teenager and a grown man

[Sweetness12]

My best friend is 17. She recently had a baby. Yes, very irresponsible on her part.... but it gets worse.. like, a LOT worse.

not only as she had a baby already, she had this child with a 30 YEAR OLD MAN.

He's got an 11 year old son who he never sees. We are in Georgia and his son lives in Virginia with his momma. He hasn't seen his daddy in almost 3 years cause his daddy is a sorry piece of...well, i think you get the point...
Lets say his name is Jim.
Well, Jim is a drug addict and an alcoholic who my friend, lets call her Sandy, got involved with because he was our neighbor for a little while. well, she thinks of it as casual sex and no he didn't take her Virginity.. she lost that little piece of herself when she was 12 or 13...
Anyway, Sandy and Jim hook up a few times when she was still 16. She ends up moving in with him and they move completely away from Savannah. like, 30 miles or so away from everything she knows just to be with this man. She left her parents, left her friends.. and dropped out of high school. well, a couple months after she moved out and moved away she called me so upset because she was pregnant. i didn't know what to tell her.
I really dont know if I should believe its Jim's baby because I know for a fact she wasn't faithful to him around the time she got pregnant.
Jim is big into weed and coke and sometimes meth....He's been arrested for possession of all three at once. She is scared to leave him and Is asking me what to do. She's not scared to leave him because of the baby...she's scared of HIM. she's scared he's going to find her and hurt her or the baby....

I love my best friend. I've always been there for her but now i dont know what to tell her.
I've told her to get a restraining order on him and then LEAVE. Her parents have already told her that if she wants to leave him to come back to their house. they would help her but she is scared to leave. Does anyone else have any advice I can give her??

Thanks.

[sera300]

If she feels she is in serious danger of being harmed; she needs to plan to leave him in a specific way. She should call one of the abuse hotlines and talk to a counselor about planning how to get out and stay safe. If she turns him in on drugs; she is in a bigger threat. For now skip the cops & get to the hotline so they help her formulate the plan.

[goof'schik]

This isn't so much about a 17 year old and a 30 year old it's about getting this 17 year and her baby away from this 30 year old and his issues. Maybe we now know why he doesn't see his son, and why he and his mother have moved to Virginia.
If she is afraid that he is going to hurt her or the baby because she leaves him makes me believe that he either already has or has threatened to. She needs to leave, and leave yesterday.
She needs to get an order of protection for herself and their baby. It is awesome that her parents want her to come home. It sounds like they will help her get back into school, which is where she needs to be. I hope her friends will be excited to see her and to see this baby and be the support to her she needs.
Domestic violence is not just physical violence, it is also mental abuse. Verbal threats by many are considered more violent, for the lack of a better word. You see bruises, you don't, always, see the harm from on going verbal abuse.

Get her out of there. She doesn't need to go straight to her parents, can she go to a grandparents or other relative for a few weeks. If he shows up at her parents and makes an idiot of herself have them call the police and have him arrested. They can also get a protective order for themselves.

Keep us posted, she's got a great friend.

[Brandye]

Every European nation has a children's welfare agency at a local level. They would be interested in the welfare of the unborn baby and, in some cases, would be interested in her history with this man. They provide shelter and protection. I would believe that the US has similar.

"" very irresponsible on her part." Really? How about the others who figure in this story?

[Sweetness12]

I think it is irresponsible on her because she could have prevented her pregnancy. Her mom took her to the Dr. and got her put on birth control pills but she decided she didnt want to take them.
He is a verbal abuser. I've known him a little longer than she has, we have some of the same friends, and for as long as ive known him he's always been an ass and he's always been controlling.
He calls her all sorts of names which are not appropriate to publish here, he has never hit her to my knowledge, but that doesn't mean he hasn't done it and she hasn't told me.
She tells me that she loves him and I don't know why. She says that she doesnt feel obligated to stay with him because of her little boy, but i believe other wise. If she didn't have that baby i think she would be able to leave with an easier mindset.

[sera300]

Sweetness:

Dealing with some of the individuals which are in similar situations we recommend they go through a battered woman's agency. Why? They help finding an escape plan. This needs to be determined. Why? Often people are under the misconception they get a Temporary Order of Protection (TOP) return home to parents & they are safe. In most cases this action results in a homicide; the police cannot protect 24/7. Tell her to call battered woman's association locally; let them talk to her, prepare her for what she needs to do, and let a professional determine the risks. Often they are placed in a shelter until he is contained or in Jail.

She can call the local Social Services Department & work through them as well. An Order of Protection is only as good as the paper it's written on. If she feels he will hunt her down & find her/baby--going back to the parents is not always a good idea since literally they will have to stand with shotguns to protect her 24/7...she needs to work through an agency & perhaps have him pinched on a drug charge & serve time. I would not play around alone trying to get away form an addict since you do not know what he will do when she leaves & she must be certain her choice to leave is final & not run back to him.

If she does not follow the proper channels she also can be held accountable for kidnapping...need an agency to intervene & help her.

[Sweetness12]

Or she can just move back in with me and wait for this whole thing to blow over beacause he has no idea where I live.. and if he messes with me, he messes with government property
He didn't sign the birth certificate on the baby or anything so I dont think she could be held for kidnapping...
He has no ties legally to the baby. it's all her.

[sera300]

http://www.pssfnet.com/resourceguide/

http://www.geocities.com/misskittyray/georgia.html

http://www.distel.ca/womlist/countries/usa/georgia.html

Here are a few links to begin with; search the county she is in & the needs and get in touch...the first link is a search engine. The last link is a whole host of Women's services.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Sweetness12

Or she can just move back in with me and wait for this whole thing to blow over beacause he has no idea where I live.. and if he messes with me, he messes with government property
He didn't sign the birth certificate on the baby or anything so I dont think she could be held for kidnapping...
He has no ties legally to the baby. it's all her.

You may be putting you life in danger. Even if she does move in with you and is untraceable; she needs to find a way to reenter the world without concern of what her can do to her if he did find her. And she needs to find a way to support the baby. Since he knows you; are you sure he will not come knocking or have a buddy do it, on your door? Can you protect yourself?

If he is not listed as the father on the birth certificate, be sure to check it, she is okay. He would have to take her to court for paternal rights and that takes time and ability [on his behalf]. Either way she needs to find a way to live a life free [of him, not to ever contact him] and to support herself and the baby...I assume she has not finished Highschool.

[goof'schik]

You need to be careful if she moves back in with you. If you have friends in common it could easily get back to him. A few phone calls, get a person on the other side that doesn't know that her location, or even yours, is a secret and he's on your doorstep. If he is capable of hurting her or her baby he will have no respect for property. Yours, hers or the governments.
Get the right agencies involved. They can get her out in one fell swoop, her, the baby and their things. They can help her financially so that she has money for diapers, food and all those other things she needs money for.
And keep everyone quiet. The less people that know the better off everyone will be. Let's hope he just lets her go.