Long post, good advice needed!

[arella]

This is also in the "other sex topics" area, sorry for the redundancy!

Let's start with some background: my boyfriend C.J. (29) and I (22) live together and have been in a committed relationship for close to a year. When it comes to our sex life, the intimacy between the two of us is the real spark, though we do enjoy being just plain freaky. However I've lately become concerned about some of his fantasies that he would like to try out with me. I think this may be due in part to his choices in porn.

C.J. and I have recently began having anal intercourse regularly and comfortably (took me a while to get worked up for it, but now I see what I was missing!) but I can tell that as far as he's concerned, he could be very happy to never do anything but the butt. I've spoken with him about the other parts that need lovin' and he's been better lately, but one of my concerns is that he'll again forget the joys of oral and vaginal intercourse. My biggest concern, and the reason I'm writing in, is that now we've reached anal, what's next?

Lately, C.J. has begun watching porn again. He used to tell me that he didn't need it because our sex was so fulfilling, so even though I try not to take it personally, I can't quite help it. I've watched porn with him before and I wouldn't mind so much if the women weren't treated (whether pretend or not) like they were less than dirt and it wasn't all so obviously geared towards what men want to see, not mutual pleasure. Now that he and I have fulfilled his anal fantasies, it's as though he's pushing for the next step in freaky. Not involving other people, but involving human waste.

For me, this is not something that I would be at all inclined to do. He saw that "2 girls, One cup" video recently and I can tell that it's stayed with him (according to my browser history, he watches it every few days). There is very little that I am uncomfortable doing in front of him, so I may consider letting him watch me do my business, but that's it. The thing is, I'm afraid that if I do that, what is he going to want next? To involve other people or something that's just plain bacterially dangerous?

The more I've thought about this, the more it seems like porn is to blame for all the areas of our sex life that are problematic. For example, we are intimate maybe twice a week, and that occurs on the weekend when we have the time to lay down for hours and talk dirty to each other. He masturbates the whole time, always keeping himself from cumming, and loves to watch me masturbate too. Personally, I get pretty numb down there after a while, even with good lube, and also, I can masturbate any old time, what I want when I'm with him is to get some! Another problem is that he barely touches me at all because he's so busy keeping himself stimulated. The most touch I often get is when he's actually on me once he finally is ready for intercourse. It's like he wants to watch me doing the things he loves to see in porns more than he actually wants to have sex.

I don't mind having sex in this fashion most of the time, but that's how it is 95% of the time. I try to make advances constantly, offering oral sex almost daily, but he just tells me "later" and it never happens. He used to be better about just randomly having sex with me, which I love, but it seems like he doesn't feel like making an effort anymore. His job is rather physically demanding, but I think there's more to it than him being tired; he seems to have plenty of energy for other things when he comes home from work.

This is disheartening to say the least. I've actually lost over 50 lbs since we began our relationship and I look better than I ever have before (now 5'6" and 145 lbs). I get compliments all the time, but the only person I care about being attractive to is him. With this recent decline in sexual activity, increase in porn watching, and his desire to push sane, healthy limits despite my improving appearance and the addition of anal sex, I think he may have what I've heard called a porn addiction. It seems like for him, the lines between fantasy and reality are blurring and I don't want to be unable to fulfill his fantasies if they begin to clash with my morals or become just plain unsafe.

I would never forbid him from watching porn, however I feel about it, because it's personal fun time, but if I tell him it upsets me or try to find another reason to dissuade him, he may just start being secretive which will very much damage our relationship, especially if his limits are constantly extending towards things I won't do but others will. Also, he's a healthy normal individual and I'm not even sure if he is naturally turned on by the human waste thing, or if it's just a preoccupation due to the way all that trashy, free internet porn is presented.

I love C.J. very much and we both plan on spending the rest of our lives together. But I need to be enough to stimulate him and keep his interest if we're going to be successful. Because if anal sex has become run-of-the-mill now, what's going to happen in a decade or two? Is he going to run off with some other chick who will do disgusting things because sex with me has become predictable?

When I've tried to speak with him about this, he gets very defensive and tells me that I'm just being stupid and insecure. How can I talk to him and keep him from being defensive? Are my concerns legitimate, or am I really just reading waaaay too much into what might be a phase he's going through?

Help please!

[sera300]

Well if you are at this point in a year; sounds as if you have to discuss the matter with him. Set your sexual limits & boundry's--do not be afraid of asking him to do what you want. Sounds lop-sided to me.

As far as the bathroom issue; too personal for me & don't want/need someone there. Not a place I personally would choose to go & would be straight up about it.

There are no guarantees where you both end up in the future; need to know each other for 2 years of exclusive dating before deciding on marriage since all the "bad habits come out after a year...even if you live together.

If porn is impeding your sex life? Seek couseling for this.

[Yariome]

Yeah, sera it it right on the head with the one thing of "bad habits come out after a year." I didn't know my old lady until a bout a year and a half into our relationship, the first year is about keeping them around, or so i've been told.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Yariome

Yeah, sera it it right on the head with the one thing of "bad habits come out after a year." I didn't know my old lady until a bout a year and a half into our relationship, the first year is about keeping them around, or so i've been told.

Year 1 to 2 is where the real identity is and our good manners tend to slip to reveal who we are.

[lnt1103]

You're telling him your concerns and he's calling you stupid? Buh-bye! But that's just me being intolerant of bad behavior.

[Yariome]

lol slip isn't quite the word I was looking for, but I suppose that would work in some cases. My delima was "I like to go clubbing, I like to dance with guys, I will never cheat on you, get over it." Now, she posed a very good arguement, but this was one of MANY things that will come out, the "true attitude", and the nasty things.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Yariome

lol slip isn't quite the word I was looking for, but I suppose that would work in some cases. My delima was "I like to go clubbing, I like to dance with guys, I will never cheat on you, get over it." Now, she posed a very good arguement, but this was one of MANY things that will come out, the "true attitude", and the nasty things.

Yes, being very inconsiderate of the other & taking the other for granted...are similar to what you describe. Many feel comfy & than the "real person" emerges...this is when you have to figure is this the way I wish to live for the remainder of mine/her life????

[EvilEvilKitten]

IN HIS MIND, SEX IS ALL ABOUT HIM.

Tell me again WHY you love this lout and want to spend the rest of your life with him???? Esp after he calls you "stupid", etc.??? Stop being his toy and a doormat.

From now on, he gets ONLY what you choose to give him. Sex is your way or nothing. No need for drama - just state your requirements and be prepared to stop and ignore him at any time. Fini.

No more anal unless it is HIM receiving it via a nice vibrating dildo while you give him manual stimulation. Not oral, just "milking".

Change the pornography to femdom pornography. It is a real 'eyeopener' to men such as yours. Google "femdom" to find the required information.

Sorry to put you through this but when a man permits his fantasies to override his affection for his lover - he has lost it and needs to be brought back - fast. Or gotten rid of.

[raez]

You should be doing only what YOU want to do and are comfortable with. Sex is about pleasing EACHOTHER, and SHARING an intimacy that belongs to the two of you alone. Tell him he is being selfish and if he can't mend his ways, theres plenty of other guys out there who are interested in pleasing their partners as well as themselves.

Also I know what you mean about the porn, definitely try the femdom thing. I had a friend who was going through a similar experience w/ her bf and porn. All she did was tell him how knowing he watched certain kinds of trash made her feel. In the end it was just a case of lack of communication. He didn't realize that she thought he would be wanting to treat her like the women in those trashy porns, and she didn't realize that he actually was only so into the porns because he DIDN'T view her like those women or want to treat her in that way. For him it was just a way of experiencing something different without disrespecting or hurting her, or so he thought.

Talk to him, but don't put up with anymore selfish crap. And if he can't even talk about your concerns without getting huffy and defensive ( and they are legitimate concerns!)..he's unworthy anyway.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Pornography does NOT reflect real life. Unfortunately, that is where most men learn about sex. But feeling threatened or diminished by totally fake images is also UNHEALTHY. Pornography is NOT the issue. Being selfish is.