Wife has no sex drive...long read, please help!

[zaq]

Hello,

Sorry this is a long read…

I'm a new member and have done searches on this subject. Sorry if I may have missed it but I couldn't really find what I was looking for. I saw a few posts that may have been close. Anyway, I am writing this here because I just don't know where else to go or who to ask (I thought asking here would be best).

My wife has no sex drive, nadda, nothing, zippo, just do not bother to ask. Whereas I have a high sex drive and this has really been causing a strain in the marriage (although she doesn't think so).

A little background: We have been married for 7 years, dated for about 2 years and have two kids - 4 and 5. She works, has a long commute, gets up at 5:30 AM and gets home around 6:30 PM. Me, I work from home. I started my own business and work from home and am Mr. Mom - take care of the kids, drive them to school, doctor visits, etc.

In the beginning and up through the birth of our first child we had a great sex life. Sex was often (4-5 times a week on average, maybe even a few times a day) and really good, orally pleased each other, back door on occasion, got to finish wherever (no facials though), watched porn, went to strip clubs, she wore some really sexy outfits, etc. After our fist child sex decreased quite a bit (and understandable) and when we did, it was becoming really boring. After our second child the sex pretty much became non-existent. Now I’m lucky if I get sex once every other month (oh great, an average of 6 times a year now) and have gone as long as 3 months (I not a camel!!!).

I usually have to beg and plead for it. If I didn’t mention anything I’m sure I would have gone much, much longer without it. When we do, it is boring, stale, finish in a tissue…yawn, and is about as exciting as a blow up doll (although I think the doll would be more fun at this point). Same position, hurry up and get it over with, I’m just going to lie here, boring sex. Oral, just forget about it. I haven’t had oral in over two years. Father’s day I was told “Why do you keep asking that! I don’t like to do that, never did so don’t ask again!” Gee, happy Father’s Day! No sex that day, nor did we have sex on our anniversary.

Me, I would like to have sex 3-4 times week, anywhere from having the quickie to the really good long sessions. I really want to have sex with her like we did before kids plus other things I would like to explore sexually with her.

I have talked to her about this on many occasions and it usually ends in her making an argument over it. Her usual excuses of stress from the job, money, bills, commute. Also, that I don’t do enough around the house, if I would do as I am told (in my view I am treated like the hired help, look out if the floors aren’t swept, house spotless, toys aren’t picked up, etc.). Even though I am busting my but with my own business, about three years now, it’s not pulling in as much money as I had hoped. I think this year I will finally see a profit. Because of the lack of income from my business she treats it like it’s a hobby and takes time away from what I should be doing which is being the house maid. Therefore I should go out and get a real job - then (as here reasoning) I would be stressed and not want to have sex as much. I’m sorry but I thought this would act just the opposite for men. No sex, horny and now I’m going to go to a place where I am going to working with other women around. Yeah, that would really kill my sex drive.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I have tried talking to her about this issue many times. I asked her to try talking to your doctor about it, etc. But she blames all the stress and "I’m not in the mood issues" on me. If I would just do this, that, and all the other requests that is ordered onto me then she might be in the mood. She said she asked her doctor once and the doctor said that there is nothing she could do to help her get in the mood…WHAT!

At this point I am really longing for some good sex. I am beyond the “if” I would have an affair but “when.”


Regards,
Zaq

[Brandye]

You do not need sexual advice; you need marriage counselling. Sex is but one layer of what you describe. If she agrees to the counselling, go for it. If not, you need to make some tough decisions.

[wildzombo]

I feel for ya dude. I have been married for 27 years only to recently discover that my wife has felt for years that she does not please me sexually. She admitted that for the last 8 years she had "taken off the table" any option of having an orgasm. We got past that and she is willing to at least try again. From what you say-your wife feels like she is the one wearing the pants in the house now. I agree with Brandye-you need marriage counselling. To go months without sex just isn't right in a marriage.

[constantlylearning]

Wouldn't you never want your significant other's smile to go away. In other words, isn't
it sad when "life" complicates LOVE. Is it really Life or is it that the two people have
changed? When you love someone with everything you have shouldn't you fight
to never allow one ounce of that love to fade or be altered?

[EvilEvilKitten]

WOW!

She has absolutely no respect for you!

Marriage counseling is a must! The doctor she SAID she discussed this with is an IDIOT! Women of her age should be "loaded for bear" not grinding to a halt.

Of course she turns it into an argument - she has no justification for her behavior and arguing lets her get away from facing up to the truth. And you argue back instead of quietly demanding the truth.

"I am going to have an affair. Since you *point at her* have decided to abandon the marital bed and do not regard my feelings as being at all important, I don't see why I should consider your feelings in the matter. So, I do not want to hear a word of complaint from you."

She will argue. You do not. When she pauses for breath say - "Okay, I will contact my lawyer in the morning. You may want to get one for yourself."

The point is that it is either marital counseling, as recommended by Brandye, or DIVORCE.

(Or of course you cheat like most married Americans, both men and women, do - according to the latest survey. BTW adultery has not been considered good grounds for divorce for the past 20 years but consult your attorney to verify this as your state may be different.)

[dancingdoc2]

Isn't it interesting, albeit sad, to have the same arguable situation in reverse. Here we have a stay at home dad who is holding down the equivalent of three (3) jobs. He has is money making professional, and then he is a professional homemaker taking care of the children and the house. This is generally agreed by the experts to be the equivalent of working two full time jobs. Now you have the other half (usually the man) coming home and unhappy that the house isn't as straight away as she would want, etc., et cetera, etc.

I cannot count the number of times I've heard TV and radio counselors addressing the matter from unhappy house wives who have to put up with a bitchy complaining spouse who all too often writes out a to do list for his wife on a daily basis in order to get her to straighten up (the house or her act, I'm not sure which) and get with the program, according to him.

Her complaints about "stress from the job, money, bills, commute. Also, that I don’t do enough around the house" may be ligit., yet it is wrong to stop there. A marriage is a partnership, and whom ever works outside the house also has to bear his/her fair share of maintaining the operation of the house. That means in this situation, she needs to stop complaining, and take on a second job, that of helping you out around the house. Now, having said this, in order to validate this you have to be damn sure you are not sliding or shirking your responsibilities. In addition, the two of you must learn how to delegate responsibilities and prioritize your lives so that you do have time for each other. If her complaints are founded, then help her to come to terms with them so that she is not always fixating on them. If you work together to find solutions and make fixing them a "work in progress" then she should be able to relax a bit and become more engaging.

You have received some sage advise. These along with my insight on your plight should give you enough material to present to a qualified counselor.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I was tempted to mention that, doc, but decided to stick with the issue of respect. Starting up a business is grueling work and doing that in addition to the housework and kids - tremendous effort! The man deserves her respect and her assistance.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

(Or of course you cheat like most married Americans, both men and women, do - according to the latest survey. BTW adultery has not been considered good grounds for divorce for the past 20 years but consult your attorney to verify this as your state may be different.)

Depends on the state!

[hemmer]

I feel for you. My husband is the same way as your wife. Although I do get it a little more than you said. I also stay home, run a home business, clean, and take care of the kid.

I would suggest this because it seems to have worked for me:
You'll need to rewind your thinking a bit and it won't be easy. But neither is divorce or covering up an affair. After obsessing about lack of sex, how it impacted my self esteem & marriage, and how unloving it caused me to feel towards my husband I realized that I needed an emotional overhaul. I began to "court" him more. I told him often how much I love and APPRECIATE him, how handsome he is, etc....kind of leaving sex aside for the moment. Backrubs, babysitters, t.v. unplugged, candlelight dinners, little gifts, the whole deal. It took a while, but once he began to feel appreciated, adored, and special to me he began to open up sexually. We now have sex once a week or so. Of course I'd like to have sex 3+ times a week but there's still hope.

It's hard to put your feelings aside when you're feeling so unloved, but it's possible that your wife also feels unloved for some reason. Women have a way of talking about about crap instead of the stuff that's important. If I could suggest one more thing....if you want to save your marriage you'll have to think about putting your pride on the back burner. Telling your wife that you love her so much when she starts yelling at you like a maniac might help. It'll throw her off, that's for sure. Kiss her hand. Kiss her ass. Take a shower with her, promising no sexual advances, and wash her hair. Paint her freakin' toenails. Whatever makes her happy will eventually make you happy and vice versa. Short of that, marital couneling or have your wife undergo a lobotomy. Take care.

[constantlylearning]

Hemmer seems to have a very interesting approach. I equate it to business (probably
not the best comparison but here goes regardless). Each deal is different much like
people are different therefore different approaches are required to make certain deals happen. In other words, there are no set guidelines for every deal. So, perhaps Hemmer's reversal of actions/attitudes might just produce the desired outcome. Isn't it at least worth a try?