married and i dont want to have sex

[stuck.on.stupid]

me and hubby have been married for 7 years. our sex life has never been great. hes gotten me off about 5 times and that has been recently. i used to not say anything about what i liked or wanted and it was always me giving him oral and then sex that lasted around 1-2 minutes. i dont know why i waited so long to say anything. now he has a better idea of what i want and i dont want to have sex with him, not that he does what i want. i dont want him to touch me or kiss me or anything. and now it seems like thats all he wants to do. we fight about this constantly. i want to have sex but not with him. im not really asking for advice just venting but if anyone has any insight please let me know.

[constantlylearning]

First, probably not the best use of the English language to refer to yourself as
Stupid. You certainly aren't Stupid perhaps more confused. Has there been
any open/honest dialogue about the entire issue and if so what was the outcome
of the dicussions? Maybe, a long heart to heart discussion is in order?

[stuck.on.stupid]

we usually argue when it comes to sex. he gets mad when i try to tell him what doesnt work, so no no open/honest dialogue. we arent compatiable at all in any aspect of our relationship. i want out and he doesnt. we have 3 kids.

[constantlylearning]

Again, a little communication seems to be in order. Love is never something to just
let go. Love is PRICELESS, love is the joy that warms your heart on a cold
winter's day, remember that "love" cannot be bought or sold but rather shared
between two loving hearts. Having said all that, TRY.
We all go through changes during life but isn't it special to be able to see forever in
that one special person's eyes? You just have too try each day to make it (your love)
better as obstacles or problems arise.

[wet_suit_one]

This is the reason why I fear marriage and relationships. Honestly what a disaster. I have no advice for the OP, but jeez... What a disaster...

Good luck and Godspeed in dealing with this.

[dancingdoc2]

> we arent compatiable at all in any aspect of our relationship. i want out and he doesnt. we have 3 kids.

There is an old saying: If a marriage is working well, sex is only 10% of the reason; if a marriage is not working well, sex is 90% of the reason.

Every relationship including a marriage must actually be a partnership in which people join forces to make the relationship greater than the sum of its two parts. Each of you is there because you want to be. If you want out of the relationship then set about doing what things you must in order for you to be successful. This means setting money aside, finding an affordable place to live, selling an expensive automobile for a less expensive previously owned model that is affordable, etc. However, before you do these things, there is much to be done.

First, please read "Dr. Phil" McGraw's book: "Relationship Rescue". The book will help you to repair a troubled relationship, and, it will tell you what needs to be done before you pull the plug.

If your husband wants to be in the marriage, ask him why? It may be that he is comfortable and what he has is better than the unknown of being alone. It may be that he actually believes things are OK and not too bad and has not picked up on the seriousness of the situation. If he wants to be in the relationship, ask him if he understands that things need to change and if he is willing to make them with you. Give him a "laundry list" of things to be worked on. Be encouraging, not threatening or hostile.

Regardless of his answer, he too must read Dr. Phil's book. After that, counseling seems to be called for. Perhaps he'll find it easier to talk to a third party--or not. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

My guess is that if the other parts to your relationship that are dysfunctional can be repaired then the sex will be better; although, this too may need some insight and knowledge to have happen. This is where this site and its resources can be of tremendous help. When you are ready to acquire the insight and knowledge, begin by looking at the Index, and then reading the articles listed.

Lastly, your husband must also understand the message in another old saying: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." He has to stop being complacent or avoiding trouble signs in the hope that not thinking about this or that will make them go away. Not so. As a partnership, he too must listen, plug in, and, tune in to what you are saying, doing, or not. If he wants the marriage to work, and if it can, then he needs to work at making it better, also.

[constantlylearning]

Doc's words "be encouraging" are so perfect in my opinion. Many times things
are not nearly as bad as they appear to be on the surface and with a little
encouragement perhaps an equitable solution can be achieved. Piece by piece,
conversation by conversation, day by day, work at finding something that works
for the both of you. Simply don't watch time slip by and wonder "what if." Much
like TIME is always changing so are individuals and through them their respective
relationships. Good Luck

[EvilEvilKitten]

7 years, 3 kids, and a man whose wife has changed on him and leaves him bewildered and defensive.

Baby - it is NOT just him!

Step 1. STOP ARGUING!!! Right here and right now. There are errors on both sides. No one is right. No one is wrong.

Step 2. It is NOT his job to "get you off" - it is YOURS. He assists but if you're not going to orgasm then there is nothing on this planet that he can do to make you orgasm. So, if you don't orgasm - blame yourself first. IT is your ograsm - OWN IT. Accept your sexual responsilibilities.

Step 3. Of course he wants to kiss and touch you! Jeez woman - how can you have sex if he's on the other side of the room? You want him to "think sex" at you? Your refusals he thinks are refusals of his love care and devotion to you but then you don't give a damn about him do you? It is all about you now isnt it? Stop being a "princess".

My point - you are a married woman with three children. You accepted this responsibility of your own free will. THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU NOW.
If he was mistreating you it would be a different story but he isn't is he?

Instead of thinking of wanting out - think about WANTING IN.

Think about making THIS marriage THE marriage. The marriage of your dreams! Why not? He's a decent man, you two have the beginnings in place, you have a family. Dammit girl, you want to quit before you've even really started having fun! I know all about marriage having been married to the same man for 30 years. 7 years is nothing!

NOW GET BACK IN THERE AND GET TO WORK!