Lack of sex

jebacica · #1 (**permalink**) 06-29-2008, 03:46 PM

I'm in a 2 year relationship, but we don't make love so often. We have oral and manual sex 2 times a week, but real intercourse only on vacations cause. the reason is lack of space. We live with parents and we don't want to do this in car or outdoors cause we prefer romantic.
We are also too loud to do this in our room and we prefer to be creative and non restricted.
We love each other and love sex, but we don't have conditions that would alow us to express freely, so we don't do it.
Is it normal?

Izzie · #2 (**permalink**) 06-29-2008, 04:02 PM

Sending your parents on vacation might work too

and seizing the moments they're not home (they have to leave sometime right?) :P or maybe just renting a room for the night every so often

dancingdoc2 · #3 (**permalink**) 06-29-2008, 04:30 PM

I suppose this is "normal" if you live in someone else's home and the bedrooms are not far apart. I grew up in a home that was 800 sq. ft. and my bedroom was adjacent to my parents. I never heard them and I know they made love and had intercourse.

Perhaps you should learn to be quiet when they are home and plan on cutting loose vocally when you know they will be away, even if only for an hour or so.

Motel 6 or some other inexpensive motel will work.

Now that it is summer time why not go on a field trip and hike along a bike trail or mountain trail, etc. Take along a picnic basket and a couple of blankets and pillows. Think and be creative!

Nicholas92 · #4 (**permalink**) 06-29-2008, 05:07 PM

I have kind of a simular problem..I just have to try and create situations in which me and my girlfriend can be alone, and take advantage of any opportunities we get.

EvilEvilKitten · #5 (**permalink**) 06-30-2008, 10:27 PM

Romantic? Please.

ANYTHING can be romantic if you mentally adjust. You do NOT need to strew rose petals, light candles, and sound like rutting banshees to have romance.

A mere glance can be the height of romance under the proper circumstances.

Sitting in the back seat in the car, sharing a small half-bottle of wine, listening to the moon - yeah, that can be romantic.

Sitting in deck chairs holding hands watching the sun go down while listening to Janis Joplin sing "Summertime" is also very romantic.

Stop complaining and start thinking!

plax_max_34 · #6 (**permalink**) 07-15-2008, 01:53 PM

Hey everybody. I'm new to the site and I had a similar concern that I wanted to discuss. I hope it's ok that I do it on this thread instead of starting a new one.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, but our sex life has been non-existant for the last, oh, four months or so. We go to college together, but back in the spring we stopped having sex because my girlfriend was very stressed out, and it was killing her libido. I was unable to relax her and put her in the mood because I had no idea that stress could do that to your libido. I thought she was just losing interest in me.

Anyway, now we're home for the summer and her stress is gone, but our sex life still isn't very good. We live an hour apart, but we're both working 9-5 everyday at our internships in New York City. We usually only see each other once or twice a week, and when we do, the situation is always prohibitive of sex. Her parents are always home, and the one day when my parents were away and we could have had the house to ourselves, she had plans already with her sister so we couldn't get together.

Making matters worse for me is the fact that we never talk about our sex life. This is something I was planning on discussing with her last night, but she had to work late and we didn't have the opportunity. I am going to get her feelings on our situation because I need to know that it is as frsutrating to her as it is to me.

I realize we could get creative with our love life, but I'm afraid to suggest anything too risque to her. She has some self-esteem issues and some hang-ups about sex, I think, due to some bad experiences with former boyfriends. If I don't try to seduce her the right way, she gets upset because she feels "cheap". This, however, makes me feel like it is not ok to casually talk about our sex life together. I feel that she will say no to anything exotic, like having sex in a field or in a public place, until we can have an honest and open discussion about our situation. After that, I would ideally like to have sex in a safe and comfortable situation for her, but it is difficult because we don't have a bedroom to go home to. The "safest" thing I can think of is the back of my car, but finding a private area to park near our houses always represents a challenge as well. And I strongly considered getting a hotel room, but neither one of us can afford it right now.

Any suggestions for other places we could have sex or ways that we can make it happen?

plax_max_34 · #7 (**permalink**) 07-15-2008, 02:15 PM

I forgot to mention (I'm at work right now and I was trying to submit my last post before my boss came over to say goodnight) the argument we had in the spring. When she was having her stress problems, she and I got in a fight about the lack of sex in our relationship. She accused me of "thinking with my penis", but she later said that I had a right to be upset because she wasn't fulfilling my needs for me. I knew that she was upset to think of sex in that way, especially because she had been feeling so sick and tired from being so stressed out and I clearly didn't understand all of it. I insisted that it wasn't just a physical thing, because I can handle my needs by myself. But I wasn't sure what it was. I told her that I was upset because I felt that there was no way I could possibly be fufilling her needs, and that's when she explained that she had felt no desire to have sex at all for a month or so before that, because she was feeling so sick.

What I didn't realize at the time was that I did have a need that wasn't being fulfilled. It would be selfish of me to expect her to take care of me anytime I was in the mood for sex, but what I was really missing was the affirmation of our love that is represented by sex. I missed being naked and vulnerable together, and performing an act of sincere love and trust. I missed the emotional connection that comes along with sex. And sure, there's the mutual satisfaction of knowing that we are making each other feel incredible. I wish I had thought to tell her this at the time, because I'm curious to see how she views sex with me. If she really thinks that I was "just thinking with my penis", then what does sex represent to her? What does she think that sex is? Just making each other feel good? A physical release? I really hope not.

Well, now it's been months since then and we haven't really spoken about our sex life at all since. I am completely willing to accept that she may just not feel daring enough to have sex in a car or in a public place right now. If that is the case, so be it. We'll just have to wait until we are back together at school. What I need more than anything is some open, honest communication. I need to know that she and I are on the same page emotionally.

I have been having problems with jealousy lately, because of her male coworkers. Since we have not had sex in so long, my own insecurities had been mounting for a little while. I would get suspicious of her when she said she was working late. Even last night I got worried about it, but I'm trying to get over my feelings. It isn't her, because I really love and trust her. It is just that this crummy situation has been making me feel really insecure, but I'm trying to get over it.

What do you think? Should I open up the lines of communication again and talk to her about our sex life as soon as I can?

plax_max_34 · #8 (**permalink**) 07-15-2008, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

I suppose this is "normal" if you live in someone else's home and the bedrooms are not far apart. I grew up in a home that was 800 sq. ft. and my bedroom was adjacent to my parents. I never heard them and I know they made love and had intercourse.

Perhaps you should learn to be quiet when they are home and plan on cutting loose vocally when you know they will be away, even if only for an hour or so.

Motel 6 or some other inexpensive motel will work.

Now that it is summer time why not go on a field trip and hike along a bike trail or mountain trail, etc. Take along a picnic basket and a couple of blankets and pillows. Think and be creative!

I'm sorry, just one other thing I wanted to mention about my problem. You mentioned that jebacica should try being quiet when they are making love and the parents are around. My girlfriend's parents are very religious/traditional I guess, and they are very strict. We don't kiss in front of them. We aren't allowed to stay overnight at each other's houses, no matter what. She and I can't even be alone in her bedroom together.

We could conceivably try doing things at my house with my parents home, but she hasn't come to visit me at all this summer because my sister is always really nasty to her and she is uncomfortable around my friends.