Long Term Relationship -- Question about Friendships

[MrDinan]

Hi all,

Haven't posted in, wow, probably a year or so. I'm in need of some advice and figure a bunch of strangers will give me the straight-up instead of the run-around from my friends.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 1/2 years now. Most everything is great. The connection is still great, the love is great, the sex is great. We have stuck together through many of our friends failed relationships, and are becoming to the point where we're getting serious.. possibly moving in within the next year or so (we moved in last year and mutually decided to live on our own again for 2008 even though 07 went well).

Here is our main issue. We don't agree on logic and typical common sense issues. In many situations, I'll have an opinion and she'll have a different one. Not uncommon. However, here is our problem. She is more into hanging out with people she meets (in groups) such as work friends or whatnot. While I'm all for that, it takes me a good while to get comfortable enough to hang out with them after work. She wants to go out drinking and other stuff with them with only knowing them for about a month or so. While I don't typically care, it does bother me a little bit that I know nothing about them and she doesn't know them well. Am I insane here?

Also, it's like this with other situations with a select few of her friends that I just don't agree with. Some of her friends (which she doesn't see often), are garbage and I don't like her hanging out with them. However, she brought up a point tonight that made me feel pretty bad about myself, which was that the first thing she thinks of when being invited out is "how much crap is he going to give me if I go?" I feel like I don't give her much crap about most things, as we've always been faithful to one another so I'm not worried about her cheating.

I do make a big deal when she is doing something that I'm not comfortable with such as hanging out with those select friends that I don't like. I don't want to be "that guy" that "controls" his significant other. She says that sometimes even though I say "yes," it's an empty yes which means that I'm "letting" her go, but don't want her to. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let her do whatever she wants without giving her crap? Or does she need to think about how I feel about certain situations and compromise? I'm pretty confused but all I know is that I definitely want her to feel as free as possible, and right now I don't feel like that.

Please let me know, thank you and sorry for the semi-long book I just wrote

[dancingdoc2]

A relationship should be a working partnership. It works well when two people willingly join together in order to form something greater than the sum of its two parts. Each party to the relationship is there because they desire to be.

Each person is an independent entity with a separate (working) life and some social activities yet who comes together at the end of the day in order to contribute to and to be renewed by the relationship.

As I see this, you can:
A. Let her have her social life yet at the end of the day return home to you and the relationship, enriching it from all that she has done and being rejuvenated by it.

B. Decide that there is too much incompatibility and move on; that her social life is too far from your comfort zone.

C. Have a talk with her about this and any other aspect of the relationship that has become a problem and try to iron out what is wrong. Give her some boundaries or limitations that you will accept from her and if the restrictions are too confining, then move on. If she wants to work with you on changing what she does and with whom then you have the basis for a working relationship.

[sera300]

Her half of her life & her choice to hang out with. Do not try to control; just respect her choices. Pick a few night you both go out, independently, and see your friends. Works out well.

[lnt1103]

It comes to your trust in her. By the 3.5 year mark you should have learned long ago whether or not you can trust her judgment when you're not around her. If you don't know, then this situation is a symptom of a much greater problem that must be worked out-sooner than later-in order for the relationship to survive. If you know you can't, "it's goodbye time".

[Massdebator]

Is this a jealousy thing, or are you thinking that tossin' a few back with strangers isn't a good idea? If you're worried about her safety, why don't you take self-defense seminars together? While I think it's important to avoid situations that scream danger, you may feel your S.O. doesn't and should be doing the next best thing to avoidance. If you're just jealous, follow the advice of the others who wrote before me

[MrDinan]

Thanks for your replies. I trust her, but I don't trust her safety as someone brought up. She's tiny, 5'1 and around 95lbs. She puts trust in people quickly and that bothers me. For example, last year she wanted me and her to meet up with some guy over the internet because he sounded cool. He was some friend of a friend and somehow they started chatting on a rare occasion. I just don't want anything to happen to her.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by MrDinan

Thanks for your replies. I trust her, but I don't trust her safety as someone brought up...I just don't want anything to happen to her.

If this were a 'trust IN her' issue, I'd never suggest setting this precedent, but...have you thought about meeting up with her group once? Meet the people so you get a feel for what they're like. Ask her ahead of time if she'd mind, and make it clear precisely what your concerns are.

However, at some point, you're going to HAVE to learn to trust her judgment of people too.

[Beans518]

To me your girlfriend has a more outgoing personality. Even though I understand your concern for her safety, in the end it is her choice if she goes out and with whom she goes out with. Just because it's not something you would do, you expect her to feel the same. Go out with her and her friends a couple of times so you can get use to the people she's with and get to know them better. Some times it's good to do things outside of the norm. You might be pleasantly surprised and enjoy yourself at the same time. Losen up a bit, go ahead BITE THAT APPLE!

[EvilEvilKitten]

The truth is that she's MORE interested in partying with people she barely knows than coming home and partying with you.

What does THAT tell you?
How much more do you really need to know?

I would NOT move back in together. I would begin again my separate existence. If she wants to go out - fine. So will you. Not as a tit-for-tat kind of thing but more as a "call me when you're ready." kind of thing. Hang out with your buddies. No big deal.

Now if you really want to play hardball, try this one.
If she wants to stay in with you - sorry, already made a date to hang out with George and Bill, sorry, hun. Catch ya later! Then if she gives you crap say "gee I wonder how much crap he's going to give me if I go?"

If the girl wants you, say PROVE IT. Because it doesn't seem like it to me.