Need advice for LTR no sex! please help!

[hotintheshade]

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, we live together. At first we had sex several times a month, and now I am lucky if we have it once a month. I have tried talking to him about it, asking him different things I can do to turn him on more, if watching porn would help, toys, yadda yadda, still no progress. He has went to two counselors and although they have helped him with some other issues in the relationship, they have not helped this issue. He claims that he just does not think of sex. He was on the anti-depressant Effexor and partially seemed to blame some of his lack of sex drive on that, now he has changed to Lexapro, which I am also on, and his sex drive has not changed at all. I have tried initiating but feel like I am the only one who wants sex, now I try not to think of it because it really frustrates me, I have a pretty high sex drive, and have pretty much had to ignore it. I really do love him, and other areas of our relationship are really good, but I do not know what to do about this-PLEASE help!

[sera300]

You do nothing--he goes and gets help to fix this. You encourage him, end of story.

[Brandye]

Ditto, sera.

Psychotropic medications are a nightmare to balance with a sex life stirred in. Everyone is affected differently by each drug. Do either of you really need the Lexapro?

[Mr. Saint]

A lot of the time in modern medicine, the treatment can be worse then the disorder. I second Brandy in asking do you both really need to be taking anti-depressants.

[sera300]

Since this thread, multiple times, has reoccurred over the years--it appears too often; teens and 20 y/o are placed antidepressants and psychotropics. Often wonder how many require the meds v. proper coping techniques. Life changes over years; however, I do not see where their is an epidemic of sudden disorders. I believe they need to be used judiciously and weaned ASAP if possible. Why? They are mood altering meds with serious complications--which is seen too often here. Those which must have them; such is life & appropriate. However, pharmacology appears to be a new cure noted in "practice" and daily situations.

To the OP: you both need to examine the reasons you require such meds and the fallout of drugs with your MD's individually.

[hotintheshade]

So I do nothing and he just continues to try and get help, since the last two counselors have not helped him with anything sexually related at all, I guess he will have to seek a counselor specific to sexual issues-which is what I suggested to him.
As far as asking if we need the drugs, and something about age was also mentioned, he is 33, and I am 36. I was prescribed the Lexapro for chronic depression, and anxiety, before taking the Lexapro I did try many natural alternatives which produced little to no results. Mike was originally on Effexor and then was switched to Lexapro and was put on these for OCD, anxiety, and chronic depression. Mike has told me that his started a long time even before he was on meds. when he was in a 1 year relationship, at some point in that relationship he started not wanting to have sex very much and thought about it alot less, in his next relationship after that he said that he wanted to have sex in the begining but then the longer they were together the same thing, and so on with it continuing on now to me. We went from having sex at least once to twice a week early on in the week-the sex was great. Now, I am lucky if we do it once a month. Thank you for all of the advice so far!

[sera300]

Sounds as if he needs to seek a good Psychiatrist with extensive backgrounds in the pharmacology end. Also, he should also have a full medical exam to rule out any underlying medical issue. Obviously you are not teens & have needs for the meds.

You can only encourage, as you know, and keep yourself in good health. Think of it this way...if your sex drive went to zero...would you not be at the doctors office? Mine did at one point, the first pit stop for me was the Gyn, & I was correct with my suspicions. Lack of a libido was not a tolerable "state of being" for me.

He needs to really want to change this and find an answer; another question would be if he was not on the meds how was his libido then? Did he ever have hormone levels done? Etc..

[EvilEvilKitten]

Please see a SEX THERAPIST. This all seems part and parcel of the same issue - depression and social anxiety - and while that may be due to chemicals not being correct - it also may stem from issues about sex and relationships. He has a pattern. Didn't you check this out beforehand?

If you have a high sex drive at age 33, it will only increase from here on out as the level of testosterone increase relative to the level of estrogen. Do NOT think you can just ignore this. You can't.

Usually, when a man goes from passion early on in a relationship to little or no passion later on - it means he's infatuated with that early rush of excitement and NOT interested in developing beyond that point. This is a sexually immature attitude totally inappropriate in a 36 yr old male. That is why he MUST see a SEX THERAPIST and find out what is going on in his head.