having the divorce: how to tell her?

[SadPup]

Want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice. For a quick update: after we had the debate about what my wife would rather have; horses or children (she wanted horses) we soon ended up losing our condo because she would not get a job that paid over 10$ an hour. She had a job for 9$ but lost it due to a back injury.

Now I normally wouldn't mind that if it wasn't for the fact she had lost 2 other jobs before this because of other injuries that just suddenly pop up then vanish later on in life. She apparently cannot work retail or at a desk job but she can sit at the computer for hours on end and play with her horse.

We live with my parents now. I'm trying to rent out my condo but it isn't easy. she doesn't help with any of the moving or cleaning the place out...

Anyways; I decided that I am going to divorce her. All my friends have told me how much I've changed and the final conclusion came when my old neighbor came back into my life and reminded me what I used to be like and how happy I used to be...

I dunno how to do this but I want to put all my thoughts in a letter and give it to her before work. I know that sounds rather cold and callous but I don't want to see her reaction. she has made many threats over the years "If you read porn, i'll seriously beat you bloody. If you ever cheat on me, you'll never be found alive." She has a vicious temper and I honestly don't want to be here when it happens. What does everyone else think

[sera300]

If you are living in a parents home; people are around, sit down and tell her even if you need your parents present. If she gets violent, they have a right to have her removed from their home.

You married her, you owe her a talk, even if you have to tell her a counselor's office. The worse thing to do is writing a letter, if she is that unstable, you might walk out of work and have a larger surprise. Walk away without an explanation? No since she will hunt you down for one.

You have differences which cannot be reconciled. However, she is YOUR wife. Try an attorney first if you have to and see how to proceed.

[dancingdoc2]

I agree with Sera concerning the need to talk with her. I would write the letter, and get your thoughts and feelings all out on paper; then, read it over once or twice and through it away. Summerize what you said in the letter and use this in your chat with her.

Her reaction, whatever it is, is going to happen and it is better to have your parents there, even if not in the same room.

[Brandye]

I have never been married; never divorced. You are in an untenable relationship. Follow what sera and doc have to say and the sooner the better.

She gets her horse and you get your freedom to be you.

[HardNgood]

what Sera and Doc said, first off with writing the letter, write it, read it over like Doc said, put it in a desk for 24 hrs and re-read it, if you are satisfied then present it. In your situation, and listening to what Sera suggested (talk to her), is there some way the two of you can have a meeting with a marriage counsellor or mediator to have this discussion? I know it costs $$ but at least an impartial third party will be there. Good Luck!

[oedipussy]

Yeah - for some reason I don't think divorcing this girl IN FRONT of someone would go over too well. Public humiliation tends to bring out the worst in people. Ever see the movie Carrie? 'Cause that's what's gonna happen...

[sera300]

Originally Posted by oedipussy

Yeah - for some reason I don't think divorcing this girl IN FRONT of someone would go over too well. Public humiliation tends to bring out the worst in people. Ever see the movie Carrie? 'Cause that's what's gonna happen...

No it's really not a good avenue to tell your spouse you want a divorce with another party present. However, if he is afraid to tell her point blank due to her instability she might get whacked even more & do something harmful to him, as he indicated. Leaving a letter? No. That's like the "Dear John" method and can fuel her more. At times writing your thoughts can be cathartic and allows you to re-read what "sounds" not so pleasant; therefore, causing one to examine an approach and leaves hurtful words aside. However, be certain you don't forget the letter---where she can find it and become worse then anticipated. Realize there is no way to say "its over" and its MUCH worse when dealing with a person who is not mentally stable. Trust me; hate to see this guy go to bed at night worrying he will wake up to a knife at his neck. Extreme emotional stressors can cause people to do outlandish acts out of anger.

Recall "War of the Roses" the movie? As Danny Devito said "and this makes perfect sense to you? There is no winning there are only degrees of loosing." The tape through half the house & her backing over his car (his prized possession) with her hopped up SUV? Yes it was a movie but there is much truth found within. Remember been there 2x, one okay and one I still live with [the fallout of his anger] and it's been about 8 years now since he left. Plus one called off engagement/wedding. When there is love the opposite anger at the other or anger from within causes people do do strange things. I always felt "if you want out at any time, I will sign a separation agreement, prior to [him] doing anything stupid" & would execute the document ASAP no questions asked; never wanted someone to stay out of feeling an obligation; I always gave an easy way out [found it does not work] unless the person on the other end is SANE and RATIONAL. Life would have been easier & safer if I did not marry him [#2] or just ran him over. Hindsight is 20/20.

The moment of enlightenment for me was I was looking for my outdoor boots, thought I left them in a trunk of my car, he had the keys. I had a touch pad and recalled the numbers to unlock since it was my car. In the trunk looking for my mud boots, I found a 14 page hand written "notes" where he was compiling a strategy as a defense for eliminating me from his life. I seized it and put in a safe deposit box until I got to an attorney. This was after he dug up the back yard of my house to have a horseradish farm, like how much of the root does one require, and he went scuba diving in the pool mid-winter with his wet suit on, he thought this was normal. Then came his suicidal behavior & I locked him out of the house while he had fled knowing he would return to end me. I had a male family member [licensed to carry] stay with me for a while for safety. They feared I would let him talk to me out of my emotions and wanting to straighten US out; meanwhile, they also knew he was an expert marksman on the SWAT team. They feared I could not pull it then in self-defense due to feeling for him. When you realize a persons capability; you learn to save your life & coming to terms with that alone is very difficult.

When there are threats as such, she has made them against him already, he needs to ensure his & his parents safety. She will not stop either if she is that angry & unstable if she does not take the news well.

[EvilEvilKitten]

She has already threatened you, so YES, other people MUST be there, whether she likes it or not. Next, tell the bank, investments, insurance company, pension plan administrators, and your charge cards that you are getting divorced - tell them before you tell her - they will then freeze the accounts awaiting the final court order. Get an account in your own name. Cancel the cell phones, etc. Shut down all joint accounts. Change all beneficiaries. Change the locks on the condo and tell your relator, who holds all of the keys, you are divorcing and not to let either of you into the condo.

Before you talk to her, sit down with your attorney and work out an equitable division of the assets. What you brought into the marriage remains yours. Period. Then you give to her whatever will balance that out from the assets you acquired during the marriage. You do NOT want her dragging you back into court looking for more money so do NOT get cheap now. This is called a property settlement.

Do not hand her a letter, hand her divorce papers and a copy of the property settlement. Tell her it is over since she has made the decisions she has made. Children mean everything to you. They mean nothing to her. You need say nothing more than that other than "pack you things. Goodbye."

Expect to listen for a bit but DO NOT be swayed by promises or additional threats - you MUST stick to your guns. SHE LEAVES YOUR PARENT'S HOUSE IMMEDIATELY. If her car is in your name, call her a cab.

I would not be this ferocious except she has made threats. ANYONE who can do that is NEVER to be trusted again. Do not give her an inch of rope to play with.

[sera300]

EEK is correct. Also you do not post which state you are in. Be certain you do not like in a state which holds community property distribution rights, where is your state of domicile? If Cali.? You have one big headache to follow since they follow 50/50 property splits (community property state). You might have to follow an attorney's recommendations, if a regular split, posting a notice in the paper YOU are not responsible for any debt incurred by her by such date....Other states follow "no-fault" divorces such as seen in CT, one can file without regard to the other and be divorced in 3 months without her consent.

Unfortunately, a separation agreement only settles property matters such as NYS and a divorce settles a divorce and you can execute the property distribution later (through a separation agreement)...be careful she does not claim "NUTS" or you may have to may spousal maintenance until she is well & on her feet. Remove her, your parents, from their home ASAP if required based on her mental state. Your parents only regard is protection of you & themselves.

In the end it's a contractual business arrangement. No room for emotion. Talk to an attorney which is a Mat. cert. attorney. Seal down all assets...if you have any (cash) OTB can hide $10,000 without it being discovered, cash, drain in slow, under $10,000 since this in not reported to the IRS. Though illegal put in in your parents name a safe deposit box, and allow them access for you and you can be a co-signer to getting in there. Stay above board through keeping book/log of expenditures. Pay your parents to reside there (YOU pay them rent) and they kick the cash back later...You know what you hold jointly in assets, who put in what to maintain--keep all bills and staple the to the page of your log. Document her actions and words in this log. It will only help YOU!!!! Asset distribution may be higher for you. Also gt her now out of your health insurance. Do not pay into your pension above the basics--if you do it's household money used--best off to pay her about right upon divorce rather then building equity which you split a higher retirement now then till you get your retirement...it's worth more.

GET TO YOUR ATTORNEY ASAP!!!!!

[EvilEvilKitten]

You may also want to have this final conversation recorded for the benefit of the judge, and maybe for the police, later.