Argueing and argueing...need advice.

[pjm1990]

Okay, so...where to start man...me and my girlfriend (coming up for a year) for the last few months or so have been argueing a lot and its really taking it's toll on both of us. I love her loads, i've had girlfriends in the past that i thought i loved and then i met her and realised that the love i felt for my ex's was nothing compared to this. Which is why this just can't end...i'm not the type of person to quit when the going gets tough.

All this argueing can't be simply put down to bad communication because we talk a lot, i know what she is stressed out about which is exams and how my mum is moving cities so its going to be harder for her to see me as i live but a small walk away. And ofcourse she knows what is stressing me out like my job stressing me out, my mum moving away also so the same problem there, money (modern apprentiships dont pay well) but mostly how everyone around me is just so pessimistic or feels that way, my friends, my family and my gf.

So i don't know what to do...splitting up isn't the answer...i'm looking for a shelter from these stress bombs. Not too ruin the one and only thing i have to be happy about.

[sera300]

Look for the root of the arguing--are you saying something out of line, treating each other unwell, who feels insecure, etc. Then once you identify this you can begin try to solve the issues at hand. If not talk to a counselor. Have you thought how compatible you both are in life? Are you ready to marry? Have you dated others to know what you want in life?

[constantlylearning]

Ok first, no "e" in arguing. Arguing rarely solves any situation and is truly
not productive. In general, if more time was spent on simply working issues
out through a little give and take more happiness would abound. As life goes
on, being able to identify problems and work them out will be a great asset to
possess (especially in business). Smile.

[gorgeous_mistake]

The way pjm makes it sound, there is nothing to compromise about. Sometimes couples just argue, over nothing.

I know one time I caught myself arguing with my boyfriend because I didn't like the tone of his voice when he said "ok". Stupid, stupid, stupid argument.

There is nothing to gain and nothing to lose in some arguments. Just about being in a bad mood, or irritated.

[dancingdoc2]

Your story has more than one twist and turn that makes giving a pat answer difficult.

> me and my girlfriend for the last few months or so have been argueing a lot and its really taking it's toll on both of us.

> All this argueing can't be simply put down to bad communication because we talk a lot

On the surface, the simple answer is to stop feeding the argument. There is a cellphone TV commercial here in the U.S. in which a person walks around or is in various places holding his phone and asking "can you hear me now" then walking to a different location and asking the same question. My point being, are either of you listening to the other and what is trying to be said or are the two of you just trying to be right?
The second part of this is just that: fighting to be right.

The key to disagreements is negotiation. "Negotiation" is defined as giving the other person as much of what s/he wants without giving up the core of what you desire. Try this. Now, to continue.

> i know what she is stressed out about which is exams and how my mum is moving cities so its going to be harder for her to see me as i live but a small walk away. And ofcourse she knows what is stressing me out like my job stressing me out, my mum moving away also so the same problem there, money (modern apprentiships dont pay well) but mostly how everyone around me is just so pessimistic or feels that way, my friends, my family and my gf.

Are the arguments over differences of opinions on the direction the relationship proceed or what the two of you should do, or, are they just posturing about this or that and not wanting to give in to the other person? In other words, I want to be heard and one way is for you to do what I want.

Determine what is behind the arguments and then change the underlying causes or conditions. You have to work together on on this if you want the situation to improve; although until you do, you yourself can refuse to be a party to the arguing and then suggesting a way to repair what is being argued over. People argue over topics and not causes. In other words, they will find fault with this or that "topic" that has no basis for the real cause. Find and fix the cause. Work together and in cooperation.

[gorgeous_mistake]

Wow Doc! My life story!!

For about a month my boyfriend and I would argue over non-sense. Turned out his problem was that he was worried. He told me that he was afraid of the future, he knows I'll get into the college of my choice and go far in life.. but he didn't want to get left behind and he felt he was. Hard to believe the stupid arguing was because he was afraid of the future.. but since then things have gotten better.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by constantlylearning

Ok first, no "e" in arguing. Arguing rarely solves any situation and is truly
not productive. In general, if more time was spent on simply working issues
out through a little give and take more happiness would abound. As life goes
on, being able to identify problems and work them out will be a great asset to
possess (especially in business). Smile.

So true. Not much is gained since the real source within a personal relationship is underlying feelings such; as one has a feeling of lack of appreciation. When the others tone, mood, words, movements are annoying the underlying matter is re-surfacing.

Debating an issue and respecting the others opinion is one matter but plain out fights? Usually is the demise of any personal relationship.

It's very counterproductive [arguing] and breaks the bond of trust between couples.

[gorgeous_mistake]

Sera did you mean to quote constantlylearning or.. me?

[sera300]

Originally Posted by gorgeous_mistake

Sera did you mean to quote constantlylearning or.. me?

Adding on to CL incorporating your topic.

[gorgeous_mistake]

Oooo Gotcha!!!