I need help(ladies or sensative men answer only plz)

[amphette]

I am 18, and the love of my life is 20. We are on different maturity levels. He told me tonight that he does not know how to handle the relationship and me growing up. I refuse to let him hold me back from my dreams, and I handle my business in very adult-like ways. I truly am a business woman, and he has never had to have a more adult-like mindset. I know he needs to grow up to be the man that I need him to be. He is committed to me, but when he loses self-confidence, he gives up on us. I have noticed that pushing him to grow up only makes him rebel against me because he feels forced. Then he wants to be involved with me, but not be in a relationship with me. It hurts me so badly for us not to be together. I honestly do not know how to handle him when he gives up on us. I'll be the only woman in his life, yet I can't be with him!? It is very easy to leave, but I don't want to. I want to make it work with him, but I don't know how to handle him when he runs away like a li'l boy/scaredy-cat.

[Brandye]

You have grown beyond him. He may catch up in a few years or may not. How long can you tolerate this without losing respect?

[dancingdoc2]

Boys are typically two-three years behind girls in maturity. It's just the way Mother Nature made things. Of course this fact does not always hold true, yet in your case you seem to have a guy who relishes the fact that you are a "little girl" in his eyes and desires to keep you in this fantasy.

My recommendation for teens and young adults has always been to date lots of different people up to the time when you want to become serious about settling down. When this time comes then you can begin to narrow the playing field if one or two guys become prominent in your life. The more people you date the better able you are at recognizing Mr./Ms. Right when s/he comes along. The more people you date the more discerning you will be because you will have sampled lots of different personalities, characters, egos, moral and religious values, goals, ideals, quirks, etc. The more people you date the more dates you will likely have, and, with greater variety.

All too often kids want "security" and believe it comes by having a guy or gal ever at the ready. This is wrong. "Security" comes with knowing thyself and being comfortable in your own skin and having a life plan and working on it. We do not need someone else to make us complete. What we need is someone else to share our life with. As such we bring to the relationship all of the above unique characteristics along with the experiences of daily life to share. From these we can grow as a person and as a couple.

Entering into an exclusive relationship, now, and before you are really mature enough to handle all the ramifications of dealing with someone else who has his own agenda usually causes a power struggle within the relationship and this leads to drama and trauma. Why put yourself in this situation? You can have the company, the closeness, the caring, the romance, the sex, the fun and games of going places and doing things with another, sharing, all without the tension and drama that exclusive expectations create and weigh us down with.

Keep this fellow as a friend if it suits you, and get about dating others. Doing so will broaden your horizons, expand your experiences, and generally mature you even more.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Amphette, the way to handle this guy is to NOT handle him. Stop trying to increase his maturity level, stop trying to make him more decisive, and stop applying any pressure to do anything. Accept that he is still too young for you and let it go at that. Then do as dancing doc advises and see other people as well as this guy.

Please understand that respecting the person you're "with" involves accepting them as they are, right here and right now. Do not ever again try to "change" someone you're dating. Simply by being the person you are, you set up a certain set of unspoken demands. When those demands are fully met then you have a relationship, not before.

On that basis, you do NOT have a relationship with this particular guy. Making 'this' work means stop pushing for this to work and just accepting him as he is and waiting for him to 'catch up' on his own.

[smattmac]

Regardless of age and the fact it often takes guys a few years longer to mature, some people never learn to "handle their business". Whether it is lack of self confidence or they just don't know how and don't want to learn. So one can never count on another catching up with their level of maturity.

To be a "business" person you must first be flexible and open minded. Following this you must master tolerance and acceptance. In business just as in personal life, you find some things will never change. When one is flexible, tolerant, and acceptant you can see past small flaws and get a clear picture of the assets or positive. In business, this is where a lot of mergers happen b/c with a merger the flaws of one business are washed away by the other. Or as in a relationship one partner compliments the other by strengthening where the other falls short or lacks.

In the end, it sounds like pushing him to grow hurts him and pushes him away. Something I have hard learned is, when there is a problem in a relationship, human nature it to try and fix the "other", but in reality is you can only work on or fix yourself. If you really want to make it work I would try being accepting of who he is now. And since you directly pushing him to change does not seem to be working, try a indirect approach by setting a example on how to do things. If you are the leader and he follows your lead eventually you'll eventually accomplish your goal.

[nursefluffykins]

I dated a guy that was not as mature as me, 4 years after our break up, he's 30, still living at home with a job that is no more advanced that what he did to put himself through college (which he never ended up finishing), but he has found someone new that accepts him that way and that's fine by me... I just bought a house with my current boyfriend of 3.5 years, we have much more similar values about work, family, etc and I'm very happy that way... But it was not easy at the time to leave the previous bf, because we got along great and had fun together, but eventually I realized that was not enough to be sustainable in the long run...

[machine_rat]

Breaking up is part of growing.

As long as things are going good (or at least passable), then he will be less inclined to improve himself. Breaking up has a way of motivating people back to the gym or back to class, if not for personal benfeit then at least as a way to meet new people.

Also, who's to say what kind of person he may become once he grows up. He might very well grow tired of you.