Stuck, sad and nearly sexless

[Airangel]

My 1st day here, but already I sense I've found a place to be me. Not sure where to begin, so I'll just jump in, forgive me if this is a bit long. I waited a long time to marry (46) for lots of reasons that seemed important then (career, independence, child hood issues) and 6 yrs ago met someone who felt like my other half, was kind, honest, open, comfortable, stimulating ... all the things a woman wants and waits for. And he is most of those things. He also has 3 failed marriages under his belt, some issues of his own that he won't own and deal with, and sometimes doesn't seem at all like the man I fell in love with.

When we first connected we were both very attentive to each others needs and wants in every area. Intimacy and sex were high on our mutual agenda and things seemed great. What I didn't know then, and in fact didn't learn until nearly 3 years down the road was that he was using Viagra nearly every time we had sex. (No wonder it was so intense!)

Cut to more recent times; we've been married 2 years and I can only say that if my husband gave my needs/wants half as much attention as I give his, I'd be back to initiating and wanting sex as much as I did in the early days of our relationship. However, since he seems to focus 99.999% of his time and attention on HIS good feelings ... lately I don't have much interest in sex with him at all.

Most nights I can predict what will happen in bed: he'll begin touching himself (something that used to really turn me on and now only annoys me) then he'll pull me to him to cuddle, which leads to me feeling like I have to service him (yes, that's exactly how it feels) and in my silence he probably reads that I'm into it. I end up giving him a bj while he rubs my back (nothing more), he cums in m mouth (yes, I always swallow) then he kisses me good night, rolls over and goes to sleep.

We've talked about this over and over again and he always promises to be more attentive to my needs, but words are a cheap commodity, and I've lost any faith I may have had that he's sincere. It's so "all about him" that I feel like little more than a hole in the mattress, and it's such an awful feeling, that some weeks I can't wait for him to leave (he's a pilot) so I can finally attend to my own needs. That said, I readily admit that a vibrator is a poor substitute for someone who loves you.

I feel so stuck and sad. My own sexual feelings (for him) are dying a slow and painful death, that I never initiate sex anymore, and do my best just to avoid it altogether. I feel like talking about it hasn't worked yet, so why keep talking? I am lonely and frustrated and angry most of the time. This isn't what I want, but it seems to be what I've got ... a marriage to someone I love but don't like very much, and I don't know what to do. I didn't wait till this age to marry only to have it go down in flames, but honestly, sometimes I really wish I wasn't married. I don't want to have an affair, but I truly miss being wanted passionately. I'm only 50 ... my sex life just can't be over yet!

It feels so good to get that out. But I still feel stuck. Any feedback will be appreciated.

[nuttychick]

oh my you certainly do have a sad life...
personally I am thinking you should get rid of this husband of yours.
why? because he makes you feel so bad.
You are only 50 why should you put up with this sort of rubbish. get rid of him and find
a real man

[Brandye]

You now know the reason for his previously failed marriages. If you really want to try to make it work, the two of you into therapy. Otherwise, nutty's insight is good - move on and try again.

[sera300]

Honestly? Time to make yourself ex-wife number 4. I doubt your marriage will take it. If you are 50...don't get married & no wasting ANYMORE time with him. Deal with your issues when you split; then date for fun. Go on with your life & don't look for anyone to make you happy...find it within.

[GuruGuy]

Airangel, firstly, well done for sharing about something so difficult. I think the advice to 'abandon ship' above seems premature to me. You love this guy and I hope there are things you can both try that will fix this aspect of your relationship. Therapy, as Bradye suggests, sounds like it could help, but I suspect your man would prefer to stick needles in his eyes. Try some of the things below, but from your first paragraph it sounds as though deeper issues might lie behind this.

Okay, so talking about it hasn't worked - however, lots of guys hate talking about sex outside of the bed and, I believe, can even blank what was said in their mind. I'd suggest the time for talking is passed, you need to decide to take control and show him what's required.

Him regularly just getting a blow job and going to sleep is TOTALLY unacceptable, and this is a habit you BOTH have to break. He's a lazy bastard (most of us are if we can get away with it) and you are indulging him! STOP IT! This cycle needs to be broken.

New rule AirAngel, you orgasm first. You can have quickies as an exception, but you need to break this habit by making it clear to him that you are not going to make him come until you have.

(If you do have quickies where you just give him a BJ, I suggest you try to keep them outside of the bedroom, and at the very least not at bedtime.)

Quite a lot of this behaviour might be explained by his concern about erectile disfunction. He might be worried about not being able to keep hard, and so hurries the whole process through to his orgasm, after which he doesn't care. And that has led to this horrible habit. That's not an excuse, just a possible initial cause.

The fact that he gets himself hard by masturbating first is interesting. There could be a few things going on here. Firstly, he thinks that he has to be hard to be engaged in sex of any kind - the previous viagara use suggests that too. We need him to be getting hard by playing with YOU, rather than himself.
Is he still using viagra? If not, this would deal with that. But also I think that you can help by telling him how much you like his flaccid as well as erect penis, that both are sexy.

Something else that MIGHT be happening is that he has a particular fantasy that he uses to get himself hard which he hasn't shared with you. Ask him what he thinks about.

The ideal is that he gets hard as he watches how much you enjoy him pleasuring you. That is the GOOD habit that you want to develop.

A key tactic I would suggest is to try getting bossy in bed. As is often said on these forums, us guys can't take a hint. Most of us, especially when aroused, LOVE to be told what you want and what to do, with plenty of feedback on how it feels. Don't do it too seriously, it should be fun and something to giggle about. But do use 'naughty' words if you both like it.

It also sounds like a good idea to try some non-penile techniques. Specifically bringing you to orgasm with his hand, and his mouth. Telling him clear instructions such as 'make me come with your hand while you kiss me honey', I want to look into your eyes while you put your fingers in me'. And then there's the cunnilingus - I'm making a guess that he doesn't do it much... You need to ask him to do it, tell him what feels great, (lots of tips on the forums here). Lines like 'I want to come on your face' are an enormous turn on for guys.

Another idea is to tell him you fancy being tied up. Just use some simple silk scarves, they are less threatening than proper bondage kit, and you only have tie your hands. A couple of reasons for this, one, it's something different and that may excite him, but most importantly he's can't be passive if you're tied up. Again, keep it light, and be prepared to return the favour, oh, and read up on how to get tied up safely.

Check out the two sticky posts in the Married and long term relationship forums on The Program and Body Worship. Plus there is one about sex cards giving different ideas for each time.

I'd look to advice from other women on this, but if you need to get your own sexual desire levels up you may need to take time out to re-engage your fantasy life and self-pleasure a bit on your own, particularly remembering when you had better sex.

Stepping away from the sexual side (I think that's allowed on these forums ) try to engineer some romantic evenings, maybe taking it in turns to plan them, so you can connect again strongly to the man you love on an emotional level.

I hope that helps.

[sera300]

It may appear on the exterior that jumping ship is wrong but someone who has no feelings or caring about the other (added the other failures) he has to change (through some therapy) not get her to change her ways to accommodate him--this is not a sexual issue that is just the manifestation of his behavior. All he is using her for is a masturbation tool--putting sex aside what else is he providing for (in this marriage) for her? Great feelings of resentment! The psychological issues run deeper then any of the sexual ones. His attitude, lack of forethought for her is the matter. If he does not want to see it, no one can make him. Much like an alcoholic they know they are doing harm but changing begins from within; the alcoholic wanting to stop drinking and the other person not allowing the degrees of dependency.

She can demand him to do whatever in bed, take a Viagra, etc. However, when one cares so little about the other spouses feelings and has repeatedly made mistake after mistake--there is not much latitude for change. Much less getting him to care how SHE feels. For now, he would not be in the same bed with me. If he wanted to change he would be at a Psychiatrist and then we would be in Marriage Counseling. When he demonstrates some understanding about her needs is when I would re-think the bed issue. But night after night..he just rolls over and forgets how he just left her? There is no acceptable reasons for that.

[EvilEvilKitten]

STOP!

Take charge of him, AirAngel and do NOT take no for an answer! Forget everything you have been taught or told and the next time he starts touching himself, POUNCE on him and ride him until he's a quivering mass of protoplasm and has forgotten his own name.

Attentive to your needs be damned! YOU be attentive to your needs. It is well past time you told this man to "Stand and deliver!" and you make it stick.

www.wickedwomangroup.us - check it out.

Then you both go in for counseling. This what comes from NOT getting out there earlier btw. Get the guy a supply of Cialis - works longer and better than Viagra - have fun with him.

[GuruGuy]

I agree Sera, therapy would be great, but getting a guy to therapy can be bloody hard. I'm just trying to offer some practical suggestions for what else Angel could try.

It's not as if these guys haven't had great sex in the past so I don't think this should be written off as a hopeless case as easily as was suggested by most early posters. AirAngel still loves this guy, and just the fact she's taking action here by asking for help suggests to me she would be willing to try some things to improve her situation.

Clearly her husband is being incredibly selfish, but it sounds to me like it has become a habit, which she has indulged, and maybe, by breaking that habit and being more assertive things could improve.

I think you're right though, chucking him out of the bedroom is an alternative approach that might be a shock tactic to shake him out of his bad habits. Whatever she tries, she needs to stop indulging this destructive behaviour. Personally, I prefer to try the carrot before the stick.

PS Yeah, what EvilEvilKitten said too!

[sera300]

Guru:

Trust me I am not for tossing marriage out the door...having said that also know I have been down the isle twice. First was bi (told me after the marrige) and his bond was stronger with the b/f. Second, years later, fine until I watched him go off the deep end. I dragged us to a Marriage Counselor, etc. What it came down to was I spend many years trying to appease him & his wants...let my own go. The end fact was he was too selfish to tell me the truth and that and other issues drove me locking the door.

When another places their life burdens upon you and puts you aside and you allow it? You have to put it to a halt and fast. Basically doing as EEK said or sleep elsewhere. When your spouse will not look after you, you are all alone, which is what Angel is just finding out. We do things in marriages to compromise and need to be able to depend upon each other & when one stops caring; you have to look after you. Either demand change or you change lifestyles.

The carrot works but you can not make him eat it. Especially when one spouse declares--I am not hungry! He has just tossed her to the wayside and apparently does not think much about it since if he did; he would be happy to please her as well; if that happened once? different story but over & over; promises to change--doubt it. There are times where it's 50/50 & others where it's 90/10 but if one is not balancing and being the offset to help the other [in all aspects of marriage] & it's all about one--there is no room for the other. Based on his record? I doubt he will reciprocate. In the marital bond one has a duty to the other; sexually & emotionally.

Later, I dated a man for a very brief period of time who was much like this. This selfish behavior ended any relationship between us--not b/c of the sex, rather b/c he failed to do anything to make life better, to take ownership. Which showed me two things about him in particular he was selfish and lazy--in all areas. We were not compatible.

[GuruGuy]

Sera, I agree with all that your saying there. But there is love, there was good sex and I hope (perhaps against the odds) that AirAngel might find that this is a habit that she can help break.

Good luck AirAngel, we feel for you and wish you the very best.