Caught him masturbating - Just gutted

[Justanormalgirl]

I hope I'm in the right section, as I'd like to think 2 and a half years is classed as a long term relationship. I just need help and advice before I do something I'm really going to regret.

The other day, I was laying downstairs with my boyfriend watching TV when I fell asleep. I woke up around an hour later, to realise he wasn't there. Deciding I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him masterbating on our bed, whilst on his laptop. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he's doing there. When I walk in the door, he shuts his laptop, hides himself under the covers and claims "I was just checking my email".

After about 10 minutes of feeling really annoyed, I confront him and ask him why he lied to me. He admits it, but doesn't think there's a problem! Now, this really upset me as the thought of him watching other girls naked and having sex makes me feel someone cheated on. I know it's usual for a guy to masterbate, but after nearly 3 years of being with someone, do I really mean that little to him?

The worse thing is our sex life is rather...dead. I feel like I'm always coming onto him, but he's just not interested. When I asked him why, he said I wasn't very enthusiastic. Fair enough, I may not be screaming with pleasure like the girls in the porn he watches, but I feel like he has a completely unrealistic view of how sex should be. He was my first, but I wasn't his. He was a lot more experienced when we got together, but I feel like I'm being punished for that. When I say anything, he just has this 'I'm going to do it anyway as I'm being myself' attitude.

What can I do?

[sera300]

What is the big deal he masturbated to porn? Think he is the only one? If this is going to annoy you, staying away from men might be your best option. Now of you sex needs to repaired, you both have to want to do it. It's done through talking and communication. He needs to know porn is not real & your attitude towards sex is not so great. Get your lives back...why sleep on the couch? And not go up to bed & have some fun?

So you break up with him? Going to divorce your husband when he watches porn?

[HardNgood]

Uhhhh JANG, every male on this board(except for me due to religious issues) wanks...you best get used it or don't go snooping...and I'm not a liar either!!! ROFLMAO

[Ducy]

Seriously...wow...big deal he was masturbating...maybe he didnt wanna wake you up....

Perhpaps he does have a problem with masturbating too much so his sex drive is gone...the only thing you can do is to take him to counseling...

[sarah_rsl]

The expression a second class shag is better than a first class wank comes to mind. Not that I'm calling you a second class shag.

You don't seem to be buying into to the whole masturbation is perfectly normal line, and good for you. Masturbation is a lonely lazy act and the idea that he'd masturbate at a time when he's not satisfying you in bed is pretty self centred and selfish of him.

There's this whole line of psycho babble floating around these days that everything sexual is perfectly healthy and everybody should indulge in instant gratification. This line of thought would classify you as a prude for daring to question your bf's antics.

If you're in a relationship both partners have obligations to the other. Sex is just one of these but it is important, it might be slightly different if you weren't willing to have sex, but you aren't, you're making the effort and he's not. It just apathy and laziness that has him wanking instead of engaging with you through sex like he should.

Don't let him get away with it

[Ducy]

Wait wait wait....obligation? No sex is NEVER an obligation...sex is something both people need to want first...if its an obligation then a man could go out with a girl...ask her to be his girlfriend and then rape her and say....well it was an obligation we were a couple and she is obligated to have sex with me.......the fact of masturbating is not lazy or selfish....I mean...when I started having sex, I never finished....so I masturbated...did it piss my girlfriend off...no...she was a bit sad that I couldnt finish from having sex(used to my hand and not a vagina so yea) but she liked that I would still get off...It is also not a lonely act...I have masturbated tons of times with my girlfriend....nothing lonely about that.

I forget who said it best, but it was in the thread "offensive masturbation situation" or something along those lines...Guys need to ejaculate...to maintain a healthy prostate...and at least twice a week to lower the risk of prostate problems...So the fact that men should indulge in instant gratification isnt psycho babble its proved medical fact...

Obviously this guy has some issues if he isnt initiating and is masturbating rather than have sex...Most likely a low sex drive since he doesnt initiate and needs porn rather than his girlfriend...

What she needs to do rather than get upset and feel as if she has been cheating on....is to sit down with her boyfriend and COMMUNICATE the issue...I thought everyone was crazy when they would sit there and reitterate communicatino in every post, but its true...you need to talk about this problem with your boyfriend....if this is someone you can see yourself marrying, then take him to counseling....if he is someone you are comfy with but not too interested in marrying....try to talk to him give him a week or so then kick him to the curb...

JANG you have NOT been cheated on...you never were...and you need to get that whole "I should be the center of his fantasies and he should only need me and the thought of me to get off" Why? Because your going to really be put into a rock and a hard place when you realize almost every man in this world has a fantasy not generally involving his gf....and not every man in this world will think about his girlfriend every single time he masturbates or gets a hard on...Believe me if you were really cheated on...your boyfriend with another woman...engaging in intercourse...it would be a much much much different feeling then finding out he is thinking about someone else....I should know...

[sarah_rsl]

Originally Posted by Ducy

Wait wait wait....obligation? No sex is NEVER an obligation...sex is something both people need to want first...if its an obligation then a man could go out with a girl...ask her to be his girlfriend and then rape her and say....well it was an obligation we were a couple and she is obligated to have sex with me

Ducy I'm sure you know that by obligation I wasn't in any way implying a licence to rape. But as a point scoring exercise I suppose its fair enough.

Normalgirl's boyfriend is in a long term relationship and not meeting his partners sexual needs, instead he's wanking while watching porn. This is showing such massive disrespect towards his partner I'd have shown him the door straight away. I'd personally only consider it justified for my partner to masturbate if somehow he wasn't getting enough sex.

A relationship is all about obligations. Obligations towards a person other than yourself, sex is just one area. If for some reason sex isn't possible then you owe your partner a proper explanation.

In the past I had to stop having sex for medical reasons, and when I did I explained why I had to stop to my partner because he was my partner and I owed him an explanation.

Anyway I don't want to harp on about communication, unless he's stupid he should know already that his behaviours unacceptable.

[Brandye]

The concern is not the masturbating. I have masturbated every week or so since I was thirteen irrespective of any relationship I may have been in. My guess is that most men and a lot of women do it more often than I.

The concern is the computer. We all fantasize while masturbating - and sometimes during real sex. The concern is why use the computer with a willing partner right there, willing and available. I, too, would be upset (though maybe not to such an extent). With a less than active sex life, I owuld feel less than a woman if her preferred his own stimulation to the various tricks I have.

This issue is not the base of the proble. These situations often indicate much deeper problems in the relationship. Get some help - either a counsellor or a moving crew.

[Ducy]

Indeed brandye he does need some sort of talking to...be it a dear john letter or a counselor.

[sera300]

If she has failed to keep the sex alive & prefers to sleep; then he must do what he must. Now, the main issue is what has she done for this entire time of no sex & porno like sex acts? Gone along with it? Why has it gone one this long?

I doubt the issue is anything to do with masturbating with a computer screen; it's what has been happening over the time in the relationship and the degrees of ignoring some issue.