Sexual problems with husband

[jennired]

For quite some time, I have found sex with my husband dissatisfying. We have been married for over ten years, and our sex life has really declined. He is not big into foreplay -- for him, foreplay is humping, with him sitting on the couch and me straddling him and rubbing on his penis with my crotch. He doesn't seem to like to kiss, and when he tries to perform oral sex on me, he pushes too hard or moves to slowly to be able to do much for me.

In the past, I relied on an active fantasy life on my part and masturbation. My fantasies were primarily masochistic, where I was a sex slave who had to satisfy his sexual needs without regard to my own (since it's easy for me to do so). But I've grown tired of that. We have a nearly five year old son, so sex is often rushed and in the dark when our son is sleeping. That sort of explains the lack of foreplay. But when I bring up that I want more foreplay or that I'm not enjoying myself, he says stuff like "either you're in the mood or you're not, it shouldn't be so much work" or "I'm not a machine to use for yourself" or "you don't respect me now that I'm a dad, you want me to make more money" (?!). I can't really have an open dialog about it with him. I admit part of it is that for years I was afraid to hurt his feelings by bringing it up, so I either just put up with his efforts or used my fantasies (as above). But now I want something different. What should I do? Would a marriage counselor be able to help me with this?

[Want_to_be _better]

You should really consider a marriage counselor as sex is obviously not the only issue the two of you need to work on. This alone says that there are other bigger issues, such as communication issues, to deal with: "you don't respect me now that I'm a dad, you want me to make more money". Hopefully he will consider going with you.

[constantlylearning]

Kinda the old story.........Communication, finding common ground, finding
an equitable solution. Sometimes things don't always work as you had
once planned. In my opinion, putting the past behind and focusing on making
things BETTER together is one possible answer. Sometimes finding the right
words are difficult --- you can both be saying the samething but in different
ways and the understanding is lost in the translation.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay so you married an inept lover and now you find yourself growing beyond his skill level and he feels defensive and he lashes out. This is what comes from being 'accomodating' and trying to spare his feelings by NOT speaking out. Stop being "too nice". Few respect a doormat.

A marriage counselor should be able to help you BOTH forge a decent marriage out of this mess but ONLY if he goes with you and works as hard as you do on this.

Else your choices are: a mess instead of a marriage or a divorce.

No need for a fight - remember - you just quietly say "marriage counselor or name your lawyer". A simple statement of fact said in a calm manner. Pretend you don't care. Those are your terms. Accept nothing but total surrender. Remember to follow through by making the appointment and keeping the appointment. If you ever go back, you will have lost ALL credibility with him. So stick to your guns. The goal of a great marriage is worth the risk.

[jennired]

Thanks. You are right. It is a mess right now. And marriage counseling or divorce do seem like the main choices. My concern was that do marriage counselors deal with this sort of problem often?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, they do. You would be surprised at who marries whom and the messes people create!

[sera300]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Yes, they do. You would be surprised at who marries whom and the messes people create!

You got it right....

[constantlylearning]

Any updates Jenni? Are things better?