Just can't win

[Just can't do it!]

I think we can make it.

[sera300]

Refuses marital counselor? Then see an attorney NOW. Stop wasting your time on a mistake. Sorry this sounds harsh but really he is & he is wasting your life while you allow him to control you.

[lustforlove]

well i think you may have to see a counciller yourself find out whats stopping you frome comunicating with him. and then you can work on it.

[sera300]

Dear Just:

A heads up? FYI; sounds as if he was "advised" to return to the home by his attorney so you would leave & he would be off the hook...He has set you up into a position where you will fail & yet never win...

[Just can't do it!]

I plan on scheduling an appointment tomorrow. But how do I even think about letting the one person who I love more than anything in this world go. We have been together for almost 18 years and have 2 wonderful kids. How do I know when I have exhausted every route to make our marriage better than it ever was? Is there ever a point of no return?

[demonbuttercup]

I mean I can't pretend to imagine the situation your are in...but I don't think I could be w/ someone who treats you that way.
You said he tells you you don't communicate... yet you mention that when it comes to oral you can't get it right... no matter how much you discuss it?!?
There is a BIG difference between not discussing things at all...and then you trying your best and him STILL not being happy.

Plus, you guys are separated like a month and he wastes NO time jumping in the bed w/ someone else...and even did it prior... that's just lousy!

Even if he "thinks" he KNOWS what the problem is... his lack of taking any responsibility for anything wrong in the relationship is telling. I mean how many times have you been sick and KNOW what's wrong.. but still go to the DR anyways?!?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dear girl -
Why are you putting up with HIS UTTER CRAP?
Did your mother raise you to be a DOORMAT to some louse?

KICK HIS DEAD ASS OUT THE DOOR
EMPTY OUT THE JOINT ACCOUNTS & CANCEL THE CREDIT ACCOUNTS
TURN OFF HIS CELL PHONE AND CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBERS & EMAIL
CHANGE THE LOCKS
GET YOURSELF AN ATTORNEY WITH FANGS DOWN TO HIS KNEES
and say
SIC 'IM


This man has made you his emotional punching bag and slave NOT his wife and he DOES NOT love you. Of course he went with a 19 year old - they don't know which end is up so he could run her too just as he runs you - because YOU LET HIM.

You are not 13 any more - a man who loves you will move heaven and earth to NOT hurt you in any way. A man who would hurt you IS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE. Stop hiding from the truth - DO NOT LOVE HIM.

You have two children to protect and defend - you cannot afford to be a wimpy little girl -
NOW GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS!

[EvilEvilKitten]

The point of no return is when he returned and began saying the same old nonsense and refused to seek counseling.

Of course he refused because the counselor would have smacked him upside his head and told him to get his head out of his ass.

Sex is NOT all about pleasing HIM.

Just in case you think I don't know, I have been married to the same man for almost 30 years and have known him for 34. We have two kids. Everything a marriage could go through - we have been there and done that. BUT he has NEVER treated me with anything but respect, tender care, and love. And I may not be the best wife in the world, but I remain firmly convinced that he is the best man on the planet. We are very well-suited. NEITHER of us runs rough-shod over the other.

Sorry if my bluntness disturbed you but NOTHING so irritates me as a grown woman behaving like some "la di da wonderland 13 year old hearts and flowers girl" when she has two kids who need a TIGRESS to protect, provide for, and defend them. "How can I when I love him so?" By recognising an utter ******* when you see one and getting some self-respect!

GET AN ATTORNEY NOW

and then send the bastard to me

btw - how's my communication?

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Just can't do it!

I plan on scheduling an appointment tomorrow. But how do I even think about letting the one person who I love more than anything in this world go. We have been together for almost 18 years and have 2 wonderful kids. How do I know when I have exhausted every route to make our marriage better than it ever was? Is there ever a point of no return?

When you just asked that question...when do I know I hit the point of no return & exhausted all...you know the answer. That's why you are here.

I walked in your shoes...19 y/o included (minus the kids) & guess what? Life gets good when the pain stops--what you are allowing him to cause you. You do not have to repair yourself to suit him; you need to repair yourself to suit you; therefore, he goes. Do exactly what evil suggests ASAP...First "seize all cash assets" keep them in a new account your name only, keep a log of why you spent money (to feed the kids, clothing, etc.--do not just spend), cancel all joint ownerships credit cards, lines of credit, etc. Do this on Monday ASAP...why? He will do it first if you do not. Call three attorneys who are known for hard ball and make appointments for consultations in your area...now you just locked him out of them (Matrimonial attorney's only--certified). Next ask him to leave (while he is at work) and change the locks before he gets home. Let him go back where he came from (wherever he was staying)...see, by taking him back you just "forgave" his adultery. Do not date, mingle, or meet a man out anywhere unless he is your family, doctor, or attorney.

Let the attorneys advise you from this point; NO CONTACT with him & he is only to contact you through the attorney you choose...you have one week to pick.

Your husband has been advised to return home...trust me. He has consulted an attorney and he is waiting for you to abandon him. When he has to remove his items...he submits a list to your attorney, you are not there, a friend or family member of yours is or he sends a moving truck. Hash out the child custody issue through the attorney's.

Men who love you do not do these things to those they love...you know this & this is why you are asking. Go to counseling yourself on how to handle this & your kids...after you did the first few steps.

[sera300]

Oh one more thing...how do you let the one man go you love? You set him "free" since you decide your dignity, self-respect, love for your kids & yourself is greater. Yes, you will be a single mom with two kids but you will wonder why you allowed this horrible habit to go on for so long--mistreatment. You cannot stay with someone who does not love YOU, in both words and in his actions. Be prepared to come out of the corner ready for the battle of your life (and yes, it is worth it)...I see seven years later. It's not worse then what you are tolerating and have tolerated...

He is doing this because he knows you are weak and is taking advantage of it. He wants YOU to go to therapy so you appear to be unfit/unwell. Why did he not go to marriage counseling prior to his "return"? He knows you & will drive you away in all ways possible...he already has. Show him what you are made of; he is leaving anyway, in fact he never really returned.