Once a month if I am lucky

[marriedwithnosex]

This isn't a new problem. It has been like this since before we were married over 2 years ago. We had no problem having tons of sex in the begining of our relationship. Then it fizzled. I am the type of person who would love to have sex everyday. Him not so much. In the past 2 years it feels like I have tried everything. For 6 months I wore sexy clothes to bed, just to feel like a fool when he rolled over and went to sleep. The next 6 months I decided not to wait around for him to try and start something so I tried almost every night. Only to be rejected. So then I started to make peace with it and just decided to take what I could get and get over it. That lasted for quite a while and now I am completely fed up. The last time we had sex was 6 weeks ago and a month to the date before that. Both times were him masterbating on to my chest and then getting me off with a toy. To night he reached over grabbed my boob out of no where and I just flipped on him. I am tired of taking what I can get. What the hell happend to kissing, just for the sheer joy of kissing. Or making out like high schoolers. There is no passion in our relationship left. Just frustration on my part. I have tried talking to him several times over the past few years and it seems to be better for a few days and then back to once a month or so. I know that I am guilty in this as well as there are two of us in this relationship, but I can't think of how to handle this anymore or differently. I can't go to a shrink because to be honest I can't even discuss this with my girlfriends let alone some stranger. So here I am on some faceless nameless website asking you if you know how to help.

[Ducy]

Counseling...not for you....but for him....go with him of course, to get to the bottom of this. If you dont mind me asking, how old are you guys? Because I mean although a lot of women seem to have higher sex drives then guys nowadays, I don know a youngin alive who would want to have sex less than once a week...Also if this has been going on since before you got married, how did you expect it to change?

[marriedwithnosex]

I am 27 and he is 32. It slowed down when we were planning the wedding and he said it was just stress and it would get better. Then the one time we had sex in Feb after the wedding I became pregnant so he was worried about having sex and hurting the baby. Which was totally stupid but I could follow the way he was thinking. So I figured that it would get better once there was no baby in my belly. She is now 2. Its not better, I have to give him credit for trying every now and again... but I still am not happy. It has now gotten to the point where I am having dream sex with random men. Never in real life I wouldn't do it. And I always feel guilty when I wake up. But I can't control what happens in my dreams right?

[sera300]

Your dreams are part of your sub-conscious; therefore, you cannot control them. Rather enjoy them, perhaps they fulfill what you miss.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Something is definitely holding him back. A healthy male of 32 does NOT go to bed "hungry" unless something's wrong. The problem is that he's not doing anything to change his behavior. He needs to seek a sex therapist/marriage counselor - now!. It will only get worse until he does, sweety!

So why DID you marry a man whose libido was less than your own?

[marriedwithnosex]

It wasn't a problem when we were dating... or even during our engagement until close to the end. He said it was stress and I just went with it. Other than this he is the PERFECT husband and father. He is and always will be my best friend. He just lost his spark somewhere along the way. I just am running out of ideas on how to find it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Truthfully - this is HIS problem - he needs to see a counselor/therapist - SOONEST. You will stand by him etc - as long as he is sincerely seeking/working on a solution. No need for an ultimatum- just a statement of fact. But if it irks you now - think about spending the next 40 some odd years with nothing changed.

[lonelyman]

Hi all,

I have been lurking on this site for some time now. I’ve found a great deal of information, but this thread really caught my eye, so I felt I had to post. I have a very similar problem – the only difference is that it’s my wife that doesn’t want to have sex. I think this is more commonplace than what most people think. Some of my friends have similar problems, although not as bad as mine.

Marriedwithnosex, I don’t mean to steal your thread, but maybe we can somehow help each other, I don’t know. I’m 44, and my wife is 40. It’s been two years since we’ve slept in the same bed – partly because she snores very loud, and I just can’t sleep in the same room. She has seen doctors for the snoring, with no help. She never used to snore, until recently when she has put on some weight. Right now half of our queen size bed is piled high with clothes and books and stuff, on my half of the bed, where I used to sleep. She has done this, it seems, to ‘kick me out’ of the bed. At least that’s the way I see it. We haven’t had sex in over three months. She plays the same games – she will say ‘no’ whenever I try to initiate it, then when she wants it (like every month or so), she’s surprised when I say ‘no’. I don’t want to simply take “what I can get, when I can get it”. My sex drive is almost as strong as when I was 18. I would love to have sex 3 or 4 times a week, not 3 or 4 times a year. I love oral sex – both giving and receiving. My wife isn’t too fond of giving it, and it’s obvious she doesn’t want to give it to me. She LOVES it when I give it to her, though. I have talked with her about our problems in the past, and she usually cries, and says she doesn’t want to hurt me, and so on. Things may change for a week or so, and then things go right back to the way they were.

In addition, when we do have sex, she very rarely kisses me. I try to kiss her, but she turns away, or just moves to stop it. I have asked her if it’s my breath, or what the reason is, and she says she just doesn’t like it very much. She said it’s also hard to breathe while kissing (???).

Our problems have been festering for years, and getting worse. When we first got married, we would go at it like rabbits, several times a week! After our first child was born, the problems began, slowly, to emerge. There are other things that she does, but I’m trying to keep this short. I would like to see a counselor, but she isn’t too sure. She is somewhat oblivious to the problem. She thinks I'm just being difficult. Who knows, maybe I am. I have some other friends that know our situation, and some of them have told me our marriage is “toxic”, and I should get out of it. They see me as VERY sad and lonely, and I can’t disagree. We’ve been married 20 years, with three kids. I work a lot, and give my family everything I can. I have never been unfaithful. I will be honest though; I have been looking at other women differently. If the opportunity to have an affair came up, I don't think I could resist. I know some of you may think I’m a pig for saying that, but I'm sorry - it’s the way I feel. I’m not sure how much more hell I can take. Masturbating is not the same as a warm, caring woman in your bed.

Marriedwithnosex, I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. Many of the things you said in your original post hit home with me. The lack of kissing just for the hell of it, the frustration, and I’m sure you are feeling the pain I feel. If nothing else, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Hopefully, some of these good people in this forum will help us out.

[EvilEvilKitten]

lonelyman - I feel for you, hun. This is a story I hear far too often with "vanilla" couples.

She says she doesn't want to hurt you - so ask "Why are you then?" The lack of physical intimacy gradually erodes a man's self-confidence; gradually making him feel that he's nothing more than just a paycheck. A woman who's told NO too often begins thinking of herself as "unattractive" and "just a housekeeper".

The point to effective communication is to explain how you feel. "I feel unloved.." "I feel unwanted.." and so on. Yes, you are applying a bit of pressure but you aren't blaming anyone you just want reasons - why or why not. The issue is happiness. Yes, you do love her/him but we have a problem.

So she's/he's gained some weight - we can deal with that. Just stop hiding from me and stop running away from problems.

Do you both see?

[constantlylearning]

That is sad to hear Lonely. Communication seems to be at the root
of so many problems just not personally but professionally. That is bad
because most times simply talking and listening can solve so many issues.
Of course, it takes patience, time, understanding, and effort to talk and
listen but isn't the desired outcome worth it? I really like the insight that
Evil seems to always give---the straight forward, head-on, let's find out
what the problem is type approach. It works and most times saves a great
deal of hassle. Good Luck