Long Term 4yrs, still teens, everything failing apart, tons of questions!

[DrG]

Hey there folks,

I'm a long time member, but forgot my old nick. So, unfortunately I had to make a new one for the mean time. I have been going out with my girlfriend for the last 4years or so. We've both been together since she was 14 and I was 15. She is now 18(almost 19) and I'm 19(close to 20). We've only been together, and not with anyone else. My concern is that she's sexually bored. She recently cheated on me. We had a sit down and talked about stuff thats happening.

She told me shes bored, and was sexually bored since day 1. She was my first, so I have absolutely no skill in this, not even a bit. My problem is that I want her back. We are common law(we live together). I'm frustrated because I love her to pieces, and I want her back. But everytime we do stuff in the bedroom, it only lasts for a couple of minutes because I cum rather quickly.

I don't know why, but within 5 minutes I'm done, and I hate that. She's never had an orgasim and I think thats where I fall short. I'm still working on that, but..

We're now in an open-releationship and it feels akward, she wants us to see other people and see if this was meant to be? I'm confused, I tried condoms, and I tried a dickring, nothing works.

I'm on the verge to try pills, whats the percentage of the people that try them that work? Can anyone suggest anything? Pills, a specific dick ring, hell even a dick pump.

I'm desperate to be with her, and I absolutely love her, so anything that you guys can think of I'll try.

Thanks,
DrG

[Ducy]

Let her go...I know it hurts to hear this...but believe me when i say you should just let her go.

[browneyedgirl]

I agree with Ducy. If this relationship were that important to her, she wouldn't have cheated on you. She wants you to go out with other people and experiment. You shouldn't deny her that or she will resent it later. If you are meant to be together, then you will be in the end. Otherwise, you may both learn a lot and realize that there is someone better for you. You have been together for a long time, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I am sure you have changed a lot over those important years. You got together when she was 14, now she's 19. She wants to explore new things and be with other people now. Unless you actually want to be in an "open relationship" you should move out, stop seeing her, and try to move on with your life. Open relationships do not work when they are initiated by one person. This is her way of making it easier for herself by not quite breaking up with you, just allowing herself to be with other people while you wonder what is going on.

In terms of sex... I want to point out that how long you last should not be nearly as important as your sexual imagination. Are you saying that she has never orgasmed period, or that she has never orgasmed from sex? Because if she hasn't orgasmed in her life, then SHE is the one responsible for her sexual pleasure, not you. If she can't make herself cum, neither can you. She has to know what feels good to her so that she can impart that to you. If she doesn't orgasm from sex alone, then she is one of 75% of women, and you shouldn't worry too much about it. Regardless of how long you last, you should spend a lot of time on FOREPLAY, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc. A lot of people like to incorporate elements of light S&M - think handcuffs, and whips if you are into that. Role play, dressing up, talking dirty. See EEK's sticky "Body Worship" for some more fun ideas. Communication is also key. If you JUST found out that she has been bored with your sex since day 1, then it does not sound like you have been communicating about sex. You need to be open and talk to each other and about what you like, what you want to try, fantasies, etc. Being a good lover has little to do with how long you can last. I rarely orgasm from sex (tho I definitely enjoy it), but my boyfriend always makes sure that I orgasm before we start having sex. We usually start off with him going down on me, mutual masturbation, or with him watching me get myself off. Once I've had an orgasm, I am begging to have sex and he can't wait either. On average he probably lasts 10 or 15 minutes, but I am always satisfied. Plus, we can always have sex again in 20 minutes and it'll be longer. Or I can go down on him or give him a handjob or whatever we both feel like. Sex does not always have to be intercourse.

That said, you can increase your stamina with practice. Work on it by masturbating and seeing how long you can last. You should be able to postpone a climax by slowing down your movements or thinking about something else when you think you are going to cum. Have you ever had a blowjob where you felt like you were going to cum and then the girl paused for a moment so that it took another ten minutes before you actually came? Well you can do that to yourself and sex will be better for both of you. Another thing is that if you build up good athletic stamina (say running), it should transfer into sex to some degree. You can also get yourself off right before you know that you are going to have sex so that it will last longer. Or she can start out by giving you a blowjob, then you can go down on her or do body worship for a while, and finish with sex. Good luck!

[dancingdoc2]

You have been given some excellent insight and recommendations. Here is one more:

> I have been going out with my girlfriend for the last 4years or so. We've both been together since she was 14 and I was 15. She is now 18(almost 19) and I'm 19(close to 20). We've only been together, and not with anyone else.

Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is a way for two people to become closer than is possible with a casual friendship in order to learn more about each other and whether or not there is any compatibility, and how much. The time honored purpose of dating is so each person can learn more about what humanity has to offer so that when Mr. or Ms. Right does come along we will be better able to recognize the person. Dating lets us learn more about character, likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, goals, etc. By its very nature, dating is temporary and transitory until one individual becomes prominent.

Both of you need to experience life, and experience lots of other people, make friends, and find your place in the world. Up to now the two of you have stunted your growths, socially and worldly. Even if the two of you had no more than normal difficulties, statistics are that one or both of you would become tired of the relationship before long.

> My concern is that she's sexually bored. She recently cheated on me. We had a sit down and talked about stuff thats happening. She told me shes bored, and was sexually bored since day 1.

This may not be the entire truth. I rather doubt that she was bored from day one unless she is self centered and had unrealistic expectations perhaps based on the story lines of romance novels and just general chit chat among friends. Boredom may have arisen over the years as a result of not having a lot of knowledge and skill about all aspects of life.

> She was my first, so I have absolutely no skill in this, not even a bit.

Why not?

There are dozens of books available in bookstores and libraries that have information on people skills, relationships, romance, and, sex. This Board and its Forums have many Sticky posts that address these and other matters of importance. Why haven't you (and her) continued to acquire knowledge? I would think natural curiosity would have encouraged you to learn more. So, you have no skill in this--why not?

All too often guys become complacent and comfortable with the status quo. This can be the bane of any woman. If you make love the same way most of the time with little or no variety, always with the same script, over shortly after it begins, then you have much to learn.

> My problem is that I want her back. We are common law(we live together). I'm frustrated because I love her to pieces, and I want her back. But everytime we do stuff in the bedroom, it only lasts for a couple of minutes because I cum rather quickly.

The chance of repairing the relationship while not impossible is slim. If it is to happen, most probably it will after some life experiences.

As noted, having little staying power is not the end all be all of sex. Sex, including all the romance, can begin hours before becoming physical.
* A word or hint before leaving for work in the morning can prepare both the man and the woman emotionally for what will likely follow that evening.
* Intercourse with little or no preparation is what "Quickies" are made of.
* When more expressions of love than lust is desired, then a couple should plan on devoting an hour or more to the activities. Forty five minutes or so should be spent on fooling around, making out, Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting--and then Foreplay.
* Variety is spice.
Make out in different ways often
Make out in different rooms or at least backwards on the bed
Make love at different times
Make love using a variety of positions
Make out with no predictability
If you do not change what the two of you do, vary the way and/or order.

> I don't know why, but within 5 minutes I'm done, and I hate that.

Have you heard about or read about a condition called "Premature Ejaculation?" There are three common ways to control this. One is masturbating sometime prior to making love, the other two are described in this article:

Squeeze & Training Exercise for Controling Premature Ejaculation

She's never had an orgasim and I think thats where I fall short. I'm still working on that, but..

Each person, male and female, is responsible for his/her own orgasm. We do not give them away. All any of us can hope for is to help our partner achieve theirs. I recommend that you read the following articles:

The Anatomy of the Female "O", Answered by Brandye & Dancingdoc2 & Inspired by Godiva

Female Sexual Response

For Women Only- Help! Why Can't He Make Me Orgasm?

How Do I Get Him/Her to Orgasm From a Hand/Blow Job?

> We're now in an open-releationship and it feels akward, she wants us to see other people and see if this was meant to be? I'm confused, I tried condoms, and I tried a dickring, nothing works.

Asked and answered.

> I'm on the verge to try pills, whats the percentage of the people that try them that work? Can anyone suggest anything? Pills, a specific dick ring, hell even a dick pump.

You are grasping at straws. Pills, potions, pumps, and other stuff are not cures for what ails you. Other things to try besides what has been mentioned are:

* Beginning intercourse when you are not on the verge of a climax. This will provide more time for stroking and building your arousal.
* Pause or stop stroking when you recognize that sense of urgency to continue or else
* Pull out, let the sense of urgency subside, then begin again.

> I'm desperate to be with her, and I absolutely love her, so anything that you guys can think of I'll try.

I also recommend going your separate ways for awhile. If you are meant to be together, you will be in time, after you learn more about the world, experiencing life, and others who cross your path. Date lots of people for the next couple of years and if she wants, keep in touch with or continue to be friends with her.

--BEGIN HERE--w/a Partial INDEX of Sex Info 101 Sex Ed. Topics

[Brandye]

Make it easy for both of you - move on and you can each get on with your lives. Neither of you knew what you were doing when you started and, somehow, that is staying with you. Life partners are rarely chosen at the age of 15.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - here's what you can do:

Within the rules of your open relationship - GET SOME SEXUAL SKILLS by going out with other, more experienced women. Then practice what you learn at home with her. Guy, you're being offered the chance of a lifetime that most men, esp older ones, would KILL for! A swinging wife! It does not get much better than that! she'll learn a few things too and I am sure she'd be most happy to practice them at home with you too!

You have to separate the emotional bond (love) from the physical act (sex) - the two do NOT necessarily go together.

Sincerely give this lifestyle - grandiose as the term is - a try. If you truly cannot handle it, then another talk is in order.

Suggested Open Relationship Groundrules:
1. You only SLEEP at home with me... period.
2. I come first. I am the only one you LOVE... period.
3. We ALWAYS hunt together
4. I MUST approve of your potential play partner.
5. BCPs and condoms are MANDATORY.

Please notice that the rules are gender nuetral, meaning they apply to both spouses. She approves of his playmates and he approves hers. He puts her first beofre all of his playmates and she put him before all of her playmates.
THEY are all PLAYMATES. THEY are NOT LOVERS.

For further counseling on open relationships, please consult your local swing group.