Love Like I Should?

[Beans518]

I haven't been on the site in a long time, but I find myself needing advice again.I have been with the same person for six years. It has been a constant battle. I cheated on him early in the relationship and I think he's never forgiven me. I cheated because sex with him is really bad. His stamina sucks.Anyway I digress. What I really have a problem with is that recently we had an argument in which he stated that it would be nice if I would "worship" him,for the simple fact that he goes to work and pays all the bills.MInd you I take care of home and five children. I don't do little thingss for him like rub his feet or his back you know the extra little things that makes a relationship work. Sometimes it's because it's because I don't get the same in return soometimes it's because I do so much other stuff I'm just tired.My problem is that I don't think I love him like I should. I don't like to kiss him, we have sex maybe twice a month, we sleep in the same bed but have different blankets, sometimes when he touches me I pull away.Do you think we just need to rekindle or is it just something wrong with me? I love him but now I question if I made a serious mistake. Any thoughts?

[sera300]

Beans:

You know the answer; this signifies a serious matter in your relationship--his communication w/you and your ability as a couple to talk to each other is bad. The question is do you both have it to get to help? You have to get the "house neat and tidy or clean it out". Did you marry him?

You are getting a negative response & conditioning and so is he.. many times people say nasty things in an attempt to shock or hurt the other...just for attention. Some times they are just hurtful.

[SensualPlayland]

Rubbing his back or feet, cleaning up his dinner, getting him a beer....these are all little things that don't really define how much you love him. They are just more to show your commitment to HIM. You commit yourself to cleaning the house, dinner, the kids, and the whole deal....but he is probably feeling left out.

We like the back rub or foot rubs, because it makes it so nice to come home. It helps to release the day. He's probably working so hard that he never even gets to enjoy the house that he is struggling to keep over the family's head.

I don't know that "worship" is what we are looking for. Just acts of appreciation. My wife and I have gone through this many times. She has seen it all very differently when the house, hot water, food, clothes, car and everything else I pay for....has gone away.

Discuss your commitments to each other. And stick to them.

[Beans518]

Hello sera! I have missed your funny stright forward advice. No I did not marry him. We have too many problems fo that. I don't think that we will ever have good communication;he's too sensitive to listen to what I have to say from the heart. We were in therepy but I talked and got to the heart of the problems, he denied. Sensual, Hello. I hear what you are saying, but he works eight hours there is no over time. He has his own private room in our house and when he comes home he heads straight for that room and stays there for hours.I might not have a paying job but I contribute with managing the house, the kids, the money and what ever extras there is. If all it takes to be in a relationship is paying bills;then what the hell is he here for I can do that by myself and get a better wet ass in the tub. See that's one of the problems, I'm not scared to have to go to work. I have a nursing license I worked and payed all the bills before he got this job. And there is child support. So if he feels the way you're thinking he's **** out of luck to try and threaten me with that. Having a man to pay my bills does not equal my happiness.

[browneyedgirl]

Originally Posted by Beans518

See that's one of the problems, I'm not scared to have to go to work. I have a nursing license I worked and payed all the bills before he got this job. And there is child support. So if he feels the way you're thinking he's **** out of luck to try and threaten me with that. Having a man to pay my bills does not equal my happiness.

It seems like you are saying here that you might be happier if you were working. If that's the case, do it! Would you be happier if you were both working and paying someone else to stay home with the kids and do the housework? Maybe if that were the case, you'd have more of a feeling of equality and freedom. Even working part time might give you more of a feeling of having your own life. You could also take a class of some sort (dance, yoga, drawing, whatever) so that you have some time away from the stress of taking care of your kids all the time. It seems like neither of you feels appreciated. If you were both working then he wouldn't feel like he had the pressure of bringing home the bacon and you wouldn't feel like he got to have the career. It might even things out and be less stressful for you.

It sounds like he just wants to feel appreciated and loved, and that is what you want too. You don't have to give each other footrubs and massages, but you should be affectionate towards each other if you want the relationship to work, which means: hug and kiss, have sex more frequently, say sweet things to each other, and have one night a week at least partially alone together (say Friday night you get a baby sitter and have dinner and a movie together). Also, you say that you don't feel like doing affectionate things for him because he doesn't do them for you, but you also say that he touches you and you pull away, you don't like to kiss, etc. It sounds like he is trying to be affectionate and is being rejected. Don't forget how rewarding it can be to love and care for someone, and let them love you. I know you say that you are too tired to do these things sometimes, but in a good relationship relaxing with your partner at the end of the day and telling each other how much you care should be your solace, not something you dread and argue about.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Beans, straight up now, Do you want this man right here, right now, as he is?

If the answer is no - then end it, dammit and get on with living the life you want to live with a man you can that question above as "yes".

If the answer is yes - then ask him that same question: "Do you want this woman right here, right now, as she is?"
If he says no - then move on to leaving and living your own life as above.
If he says yes - then you have to tell him that he's got to be honest - tell him the sex sucks and this is why. Be upfront about you need and listen to what he needs. It will be tough and life will be hell while you to work it out. If you can. Changing is not easy and you two might not make it.

Good luck - but NEVER be afraid to leave a man.

[constantlylearning]

Perhaps, this is a BLANKET STATEMENT and not exactly relevant to
the intent of this topic BUT (Yeah, I know). Doesn't it seem that so
many situations can be resolved with simple HONEST communication.
What good can really come out of being abrasive or hurtful to another?
Nobody should have to endure a degrading situation. Sometimes taking
a deep breathe and thinking ..."what is the RIGHT thing to do" can
help. Good Luck.

[ride100mph]

If you gave up on him, think of the person you might end up with. How would that person interact with you and your kids? He could put on a good show and end up hurting your kids more than you ever thought someone could. Its never too late to be happy in your relationship, unless your are being abused you need to make a move quick.
Please don't wait for someone else to make you happy. You can be happy and bring that back into your home without breaking it up. It takes work and it does not happen overnight but you can make it happen.

[machine_rat]

If you don't believe that he is worthy to be 'worshipped' for being the breadwinner, then you aren't entitled to be 'worshipped' as the stay at home mom. The two of you are both simply doing your jobs.

Does he inist that you stay home and out of the workforce? I've seen many a bitter couple because the wife wanted to be out working... even if it meant that her entire paycheck went to daycare.