Mid Life Crisis

[moreplease]

Hey everyone ~ I've got a new one for you. I'm 40, married 18 years, currently separated until next March 2008 and about to retire from the military. I've suddenly have this feeling to quit my marriage and run away. It's shameful due
to the fact that I've got a great husband and life is finally where we wanted it to be. The unfortunate part is that I feel unfullfilled in SO many ways. I guess I'm just confused and need to take a breath. On the other hand there is also a guy I'm overwhelmingly attracted to. I haven't made any serious moves, but it is mutual. So am I having a mid life crisis or have I just completely lost my mind.

[Ducy]

Well if life is where you want it to be, and you have a wonderful husband, why do you want to quit. You said you feel unfullfilled but is it a flaw in your marraige? Or is it that you feel unfullfilled sexually because of this attraction to this new man?

Think carefully because your decision will live with you for a very long time. Maybe try a bit of marraige counseling, to see if you can fix these problems. You are not going crazy due to the fact that you feel attracted to another. I mean you can feel attracted to more than 1 person at a time...its okay. But if you act on these feelings while married, and without consent from your spouse, its not cool. In fact its pretty hurtful.

Give it some time, I would say take a step back from this man, and see if you can follow your vows at least ill june. That way you have time with your husbband to sort things out.

Ultimately the decision is up to you, and it doesnt necessarily sound like a midlife crisis, or unfullfillment, I think its just a new thing (attraction) that give you butterflies, and it is making the same old thing (your marraige) seem boring and unfullfilling, when in reality, it may be a lot better than you think...

[sera300]

Well at 40 I wanted to turn life upside down for some weird reason and did so but I was not married at the time.

However, having spent many years of my life married, there were times I felt I just wanted a different life, contemplated it, and decided to just "be happy". Where ever life landed me, being content with my choice was imperative as was me being happy. So since you are married, do you wish to toss away your happy life with your husband to pursue another? And where will that leave you? Alone? Divorced? Or satisfied?

If you are happy in your marriage and have a good one, stay with it. It's not worth tossing away your true love for a flame.

[Ducy]

One other thing. Im not sure about what exactly is going on, but perhaps this could help.

Try This

[machine_rat]

Just like the others have stated before, if you want out of your marriage, then be sure it is because you are unhappy with the whole situation. Don't leave just because you have found someone new.

Most relationships that start from infidelity/rebound-type emotions never last.

[EvilEvilKitten]

In a way you are having a mid-life crisis. You are leaving the structured environment of the military (I know - been there, done that, hun) for heaven only knows what and are feeling a trifle lost, dazed, and confused.

The feeling unfulfilled is due to you not seeing your "life's calling" before you. You know there's something you want to do but you haven't quite understand exactly what that is yet.

This flame of yours, is just a "bit of comfort in the storm". Really he is just a bandaid trying to stop arterial bleeding. Having sex with him will NOT help. But I leave that up to you. If you do, do not tell your husband - he does not deserve to be hurt and he will feel all the pain in the world if you tell him. You MUST bear the guilt in silence.

I recommend focusing upon answering the question: what life do you want to live? Then get on with living that life.

[moreplease]

Thanks ~ those are my emotions completely ~ lost, dazed, and confused. I feel that I've lost out on something, but not sure what exactly. The attraction I have hasn't been acted on, I've been keeping my distance. The marriage has a few intimacy and communication issues that are long standing. Separation has become an issue, but there is a daughter involved so the course of action has to be carefully thought out before anything rash is done. The problem is "What do I feel for my husband?" and if I want to continue. I think I have alot of thinking to do before I retire.

[bruins76]

It's hard b/c we always want what the other person has, the grass is always greener theory. When life is "normal" and we're "happy"... things are appealing & sometimes we try to find stuff that is wrong w/ our lives/marriages even though this is what we've always dreamed of & wanted.

I think therapy/counseling is crucial before you make any drastic moves b/c once you make a decision to throw away your marriage, that's it. You then risk being alone, divorced... do you really want that? Is this physical attraction w/ this man worth it? I've often heard that you have to EARN your way out of a marriage, make sure you've exhausted all possibilities before you can leave the marriage knowing you did everything you could to make it better & after you've done that & it's still not working for you, then sure. But I think you're making a big mistake IMO... I hope you find what ever it is you're looking for.

GL

[EvilEvilKitten]

As a more experienced woman in this field, permit me to inform you that while there are adventures available to you, you will find the dating world somewhat diminished. Everyone has "issues". Counseling - with your husband - would be the best plan of action. Perhaps you two can finally get around to resolving those long standing difficulties.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

As a more experienced woman in this field, permit me to inform you that while there are adventures available to you, you will find the dating world somewhat diminished. Everyone has "issues". Counseling - with your husband - would be the best plan of action. Perhaps you two can finally get around to resolving those long standing difficulties.

Yeap...if you believe you will re-enter the dating "arena" as a single woman post divorce--heads up (if you are anywhere near your 40's.) The gene pool is REALLY, REALLY, poor.