Need relationship advice

[pjm1990]

Hi.
Me and my girlfriend (your probably going to be questioning yourself 'why is he in the married and long term relationship advice' section and its because our relationship isnt just a quick thing but its really serious.) have been arguing a bit lately from time to time...the last argument we had was about when we were talking about sex and i mentioned a girl i was going to have sex with and she didnt like it...thought it was 'discusting' and 'cheap' because it was only for sex...but she has asked guys for sex before...hell thats how we started going out...she asked me if i would have sex with her...so i thought it was really cheeky of her to judge me for it when she had did it before too...more times than me non the less...

but anyway...im not posting here to have a bitch about the argument heh im posting because im SO serious about her...i want to ask her to marry me and ive been planning it for next year...and i know she will say yes...we have discussed these things before...

but i dont like how much we argue...at all...it seems too much...and its all over little things we have never argued about something big...and after every arguement we seem to love each other a lot more...

but anyway what im asking you is...is what were doing (argueing) just a small patch that will fade? or is it normal for a couple too have arguements now and then...and is it an issue that we argue over little things...

thanks a lot for reading...

[bruins76]

It depends on the arguing, like if your being abusive in the arguments (physical, verbal) then "no"... getting married is not a good idea. In most happy marriages, couples often do argue & 70% of the arguments don't actually get resolved. In that, the couple will often agree to disagree. But it's all in how you come to a resolution. If you're attacking one another's self-worth/esteem, then again, this is not a healthy relationship, let alone the last thing you should do is discuss marriage.

You didn't really detail the arguments or how you argue but you discussed arguing about having sex w/ another person, which in a marriage isn't a healthy choice. Some people think it's fine to do, but marriage is between 2 people, not a third or a fourth. JMO, HIH

[sera300]

Originally Posted by bruins76

It depends on the arguing, like if your being abusive in the arguments (physical, verbal) then "no"... getting married is not a good idea. In most happy marriages, couples often do argue & 70% of the arguments don't actually get resolved. In that, the couple will often agree to disagree. But it's all in how you come to a resolution. If you're attacking one another's self-worth/esteem, then again, this is not a healthy relationship, let alone the last thing you should do is discuss marriage.

Thoughts on marriage....

You didn't really detail the arguments or howwhy you argue but you discussed arguing about having sex w/ another person, which in a marriage isn't a healthy choice--argue over sex. Some people think it's fine to do, but marriage is between 2 people, not a third or a fourth. JMO, HIH

I think maybe she may have taken it out of context; you are her g/f. have no sex with her, yet want to sleep with another lady and discuss it with the current? Past is the past. PERIOID.

Now look at the arguments; same gaols, values. priorities; how, why, and how often, does the conflift get reloved with all happy? The do you have good conflict resolution skills? Next/ do you like each other and con you compromise together and laugh together?

[sera300]

Sorry bruins...my stuff leaking into your post...so it looks edited. Then some where is mine...either way, I think the OP will have much to think of!!! And me to learn to type better!

[bruins76]

ITA Sera, no worries...

As far as arguing is concerned. It depends on how frequent the arguing happens & then how it's resolved or dealt w/ in the end. Arguing is & can be healthy, as long as you do it correctly. But if you aren't arguing "fair" then getting married is the wrong thing to do right now. Perhaps seeking couple's counseling would be helpful, this way you can talk about ways on dealing w/ your arguments & perhaps rectify them or learn if you are compatible in a sense of marriage. Marriage isn't to be taken lightly & if you're questioning if it's right for you, then it probably isn't...until you work out the "bugs" that are causing some second thought. Then, once all is hashed out & dealt w/, moving forward into a life long commitment can be a great thing to do.

Either way, GL in your decision(s). HIH
~C

[Brandye]

If you and I were getting it on and talking about it and you expressed intent of screwing someone else, there would be no argument. You would be talking to my rapidly departing backside.

No reason to marry a guy who is chasing others.

[dancingdoc2]

> i dont like how much we argue...at all...it seems too much...and its all over little things we have never argued about something big...and after every arguement we seem to love each other a lot more.

> is what were doing (argueing) just a small patch that will fade? or is it normal for a couple too have arguements now and then...and is it an issue that we argue over little things.

Much depends upon the two people involved. There are various ways to communicate, among them are:
* discussions
* arguments
* debates
* fights

I new a couple (now deceased) who were constantly at each other. Much of their communication was about correcting the other over some detail or incorrect assumption--nitpicking. He, especially was a "right fighter". Individually, these two were very nice people, and, together, they obviously loved each other and were genuinely loving, caring people, yet, they were always involved in petty bickering. This seemed to be one definition of their relationship, and as such, it became a way of life.

A debate is less passionate than an argument. Both present apposing viewpoints, however, with an argument, the participants often tend not to listen, tuning the other person out. "Right fighting" has two intents: first, in which one or the other participant needs to come out on top; second, to correct the other person. It is with the latter that a person can feel denigrated or always wrong, etc.

A "heated debate" seems to blur the definitions of debate and argument; and, bickering is simply petty. What examples can you give about the "little things" you argue about besides the one given?

This can become an issue if one or the other of you is uncomfortable or unhappy with this activity. If it continues without learning a better way to communicate then the cumulative effect will affect the relationship and not for the better. If you take the passion out, an argument will become a debate in which you can discuss the pros and cons of a certain matter.

The next step, with the facts on the table, is to negotiate a settlement in which the two of you can agree and move forward. One aspect of negotiation is to give to the other party without giving up what is important to you. You both give in order to receive what is important overall.

> the last argument we had was about when we were

It takes two. If you do not want to have a confrontation, chat, debate, or whatever, don't add fuel, just refuse to be drawn in. If you do get into it, take the other person's position and argue it; in other words, try seeing something from their side. Examine your role in the argument. Did you do or saying something hurtful? Did you promise something and then back out of your agreement? Keep in mind the other person probably has some valid points that you need to weigh and consider.

Don't be afraid to argue, as a form of communication and properly done arguments can be healthy, build trust, and create a sense of peace by knowing you can vent and not be put down or humiliated. It is important to learn how to argue. I recommend doing a net search for the details on the how-tos and pitfalls. Make certain you fight about the issues and not topics that pussyfoot around the actual point of contention.

> is what were doing (argueing) just a small patch that will fade? or is it normal for a couple too have arguements now and then...and is it an issue that we argue over little things.

What is important is in learning how to argue. Don't quit the process until the matter is solved, and, do not go to bed mad. I leave it to the two of you to fill in the middle by learning the rules of engagement, so to speak.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are arguing because you two are not communicating EFFECTIVELY.

There is NEVER any need to argue. Let us look at this latest fight:

you mentioned that you wanted to enjoy this other girl
her response was that you were disgusting and cheap for desiring 'just sex' with this girl
you felt that this was hypocrisy and called her on it

Her response was incorrect but I'm betting that you escalated this dramatic episode by getting defensive and heavy-handed when you called her on her hypocrisy (as was right).

The proper response would have been "Remembering how we met, why wouldn't I want to get with her? She's cute, isn't she? Don't you think she's worth enjoying? Doesn't come close to you, of course, which is why it is just for sex, but she seems nice enough to me."

This way, you would have brought her into the selection process, acknowledged her preeminence, reminded her of how you met, and disarmed her - all at once!

Do you see?