Engaged to a man that watches Tranny-porn

[Dawn80]

Hi everyone, I have never posted on this site before, but I seriously need some advice...and FAST!
Here's the deal: I am engaged, the big date is August 30th, 2008. About 10 months from now. I love my fiance with all my heart and I know he loves me....but I have some major fears and insecurities about one issue in particular. My fiance watches trans sexual pornigraphy.
It started way back when we were dating. I had only known him for about two months at the time and he asked me to house-sit while he was away on business. While I was at his house, I was on his computer and couldn't find a web page that I had vsited earlier that day. I went into the history to find it (I am NOT computer savvy at all, but my brother showed me this one trick)> Anyway, I did find my page, but I also came across A LOT of trans sexual porn sights.....ie: men dressed like women with their "parts" intact. Now, I consider myself to be fairly liberal and open sexually. I am actually ok with porn in small doses and enjoy it myself from time to time, but this particular content confused me. I confronted him about it and he said he was just curious and it would NEVER happen again. I felt sooooo much better.
Skip to three months ago: We are now engaged. This time I was into the hard drive on our computer and I was trying to find an old resume that I had saved a long time ago. I was trying EVERYTHING to find it...called my brother, he mentioned to try clicking on "hidden files" to see if it was there. I did and what I found was file after file after file of porn, including A LOT more transsexual porn, along with internet dating sites for trans sexuals. He had sites book marked for places that he travelled for work! I looked at the times it was viewed and he was viewing it after I went to bed or when I was away. I confronted him again and this is what he said: It is a compulsion, he can't stop, he can only go for so long and then he HAS to look at transsexual porn. He says he has been doing ti behind my back for the last two years that we have been together and can not stop. He assured me he was not gay or bisexual. He said he has come to accept that this is a part of him and if I can not accept that, I should leave because I will not be happy........WHAT THE???!!!! We are ENGAGED! He is chosing his tranny porn over me.....he says he can't help it. What do I do???!!!! We are scheduled to see a counselor, but I can't wait that long. I don't know whether I should just pack it up and leave because he was dishonest and is chosing porn over me....or should I accept it and not over react.....or should I try to get him help because he says this is a compulsion!????? SOMEONE...please give me some advice. I love this man, I moved to a new city for him, we own a house together and we are engaged....I can't just let that all go!

[EvilEvilKitten]

OMG you're acting as if this stuff is REAL?!?!?! JEEZ WOMAN GROW UP!!
These are images, mostly faked, on the Internet - NOT REAL LIVE PEOPLE SITTING ON YOUR BED.

NO he is NOT choosing tranny-porn over you:

He's choosing between a high-maintainance "little princess" woman with low self-esteem to whom he'd have to make concessions and compromises of who he is inside for the rest of his life (as he discovered you to be when you "confronted" him over this)
OVER
an emotionally self-aware, confident woman who truly loves him for who he really is

As he sees this, You either love him as he is or you don't. So, you damn well better get over it! Either that or get lost.

[katiebug]

Hi Dawn,

Hopefully the counselor will be able to help you guys out. I think pre-marraige counseling is a good idea for the two of you. You should not go through with marrying him if this bothers you this much, because you cant expect the wedding to make all these problems go away. I'm sure you know that. Some people are OK with porn of all kinds. Some people are not. Everyone is different, but I think it's important that you are with someone who has the same views that you do if this is not something that you feel like you can compromise on.

Just because he looks at this type of porn, it does not mean that he will necessarily go out and seek it in real life. I consider myself to be a "straight" female, but I will watch all types of porn, including lesbian porn. I won't go out and cheat on my BF to be with another girl though. Heck, you said yourself that you watch porn too, and you know full well the difference between watching that and engaging in fantasy vs. actually going out and seeking another man to sleep with. Maybe your fiance feels the same way about this transexual porn. However, if you have reason to believe that he is cheating or that he is planning to cheat on you, that is a different problem altogether. No one here knows him as well as you do, so you should probably deal with this in counseling to find out if you can get over the insecurities this is causing you. You have to figure out whether you can believe this is just a fetish for him or whether you really think he is going to be unhappy being with just you, sexually, for the rest of his life. Again, I think the counseling is a good thing for you two right now. If you have to, consider postponing your wedding date until you get this issue resolved.

One last thing. There is such thing as an addiction to pornography. I think that is also something that many people on this site may debate, but there is plenty of websites and other literature on it if you are interested in checking it out. IMO, if he is avoiding having sex with you in order to view porn, that could qualify as an addiction. If your sex life is still normal, maybe you are more worried than you should be. Google pornography addiction and read up on it to see if it fits.

These are just my opinions.

[Brandye]

He will not stop without help. You will not overcome your position without help. Sounds like you two need help. Better now than after a few years of marriage.

And an addiction is defined as perseverating on anything to the point that it gets in the way of normal relationships. He is addicted.

[wet_suit_one]

I always had a bit of an issue with that definition of addiction. If your wife doesn't like you working, and you go to work, she divorces you, arguably, the cause of your divorce was your addiction to work. Somehow that doesn't make sense.

Anyways...

Another issue, how is watching tranny porn, CHOOSING the porn over his fiance? This too, I don't understand.

What if it was ice cream, or bike riding? What determines when a partner "chooses" the activity, item etc. over the other partner? It's wierdness? Something I just don't get...

Anyways, don't marry the guy. All you'll do is make his life horrible, which will necessarily make your life horrible. That seems like the situation to me. Listen to Brandeye. She's smart. EEK, well you could listen to her if you dare, but that takes some serious cajones, know what I mean? I'm not that tuff myself, but if you're up for it, go for it. Life will be a wild ride!

The Wet One

[wet_suit_one]

Eh, reading this again, I see that I missed the tranny hook up sites. Note, these may just automatically come up merely by visiting sites (sorta like Adultfriendfinder, hit any porn site (or relationship site that has advertising ) and that damned popup is sure to show up regardless if you're looking for someone or not. A definite downer for those in relationships looking for a bit of electronic T&A)....


And so it goes...

[machine_rat]

My question for you is this: Is it the not so run-of-the-mill porn that he watches the thing that bothers you or are you afraid that he's a closet case?

There are some things that I like to watch (though very herterosexual) that my wife doesn't necessarily like, but I can tell you that I'm not chosing them over her.

Problems only arise once he sacrifices relationship time to be with his porn instead.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sometimes one needs advice put bluntly. I am your "reality check".

Consider if your positions were reversed and he was saying "Clear out these bits of yourself that I do not like and become the woman I want you to be."

Doesn't sound so good, now does it?

Does she want a Stepford-husband or does she want this man, as he is, right here, right now?

[Sirene]

Nice going, you sound like a bad attitude old nasty piece of work.

The girl didnt come on here asking to be insulted by the likes of you, how god damned rude can you possibly be?
Lose the bad attitude & get some manners will you.

It's not exactly normal for a straight guy to get off on tranny porn...

Isn't it about time ~you~ grew up instead of jumping down peoples throats for being insecure? It's terribly obvious that you do not understand in the slightest. As you do not understand you should just keep out of it.
Your piece of advice here was piss poor in the highest possible order.

You are not anyones reality check, you're just down right rude.

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

OMG you're acting as if this stuff is REAL?!?!?! JEEZ WOMAN GROW UP!!
These are images, mostly faked, on the Internet - NOT REAL LIVE PEOPLE SITTING ON YOUR BED.

NO he is NOT choosing tranny-porn over you:

He's choosing between a high-maintainance "little princess" woman with low self-esteem to whom he'd have to make concessions and compromises of who he is inside for the rest of his life (as he discovered you to be when you "confronted" him over this)
OVER
an emotionally self-aware, confident woman who truly loves him for who he really is

As he sees this, You either love him as he is or you don't. So, you damn well better get over it! Either that or get lost.

[katiebug]

Originally Posted by wet_suit_one

I always had a bit of an issue with that definition of addiction. If your wife doesn't like you working, and you go to work, she divorces you, arguably, the cause of your divorce was your addiction to work. Somehow that doesn't make sense.

Brandye gives the definition of an addiction. A person surely can have an addiction to work. Probably very uncommon, but let's say that this man in your example is at work so often that his personal relationships are suffering. He is working 24/7, nights, weekends and so on. Far beyond his call of duty, there is nothing reasonable that's keeping him at work for so many hours. He gives up normal activities in order to keep working, like eating regularly, sleeping, spending time with his family. No matter how much people in his life try to tell him to take a break, tell him that they miss him, they need him, they are concerned about him - he will not stop, he feels like he can't stop. That could become enough of a problem that a wife may consider divorce, yes? When it is something that consumes you so much that you lose your ability to keep a normal life going, that is generally when you cross the border into an addiction. Technically, I suppose you could be "addicted" to almost anything, but an addiction becomes a problem when it starts affecting your sense of normalcy and your relationships with other people. An addiction to chapstick is not going to affect your life as much as an addiction to drugs will.

In this case, she states that her fiance has told her that this is a compulsion and he feels like he cannot stop. It would be different if he did not WANT to stop (maybe he doesn't), but it sounds to me more like he feels like he's incapable of stopping the pornography. We don't know anything about their sex life, whether it's normal or not. But if he is avoiding sex with a real person to masturbating to porn, even though he has a willing participant, that to me could qualify as someone who has an addiction. No one likes to have limits put upon them, no one responds positively to someone they love putting out ultimatums and telling them that they don't want them to do something. In some cases, depending on the ultimatum, it's enough to end a relationship. However, asking someone to stop viewing, or at least cut down on viewing, one particular type of pornography does not seem like enough of a reason for a person to want to end an engagement. Maybe for some people it is, but this is a woman that he has decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Why would he want to choose his pornography over a real life relationship, a chance at a family, and so on. Personally, I do not think the request is so crazy. Part of keeping a marraige and relationship working is compromising. In this case, I think she also is coming across the problem of wondering whether his pornography viewing is signalling that he actually could be bisexual or at the worst, gay. He may or may not have been actually trying to find transexuals to hook up with in real life, while he is away on business. This is scary to think about when you are almost married to a man that you fully believed was satisfied with your sex life before this. I would want to know whether or not my fiance was really attracted to men, or transexuals, and if he was - whether or not he was really planning to seek out sex with them.

Anyway, I support the decision to see a counselor and try to work on things. He may not WANT to give up the pornography, which is completely different from having an addiction to it. In that case, you would have to make a decision of whether or not you wanted to marry him. An ultimatum in this case will probably not work. But, at least you would have all the chips down in front of you in order to make a decision. It seems a little rash for either of you to walk away from your engagement over this issue without trying to work through it first with a counselor. Think of how many other tough compromises the two of you are going to have to make later in life, during a marraige together. You'd better be able to tackle the tough issues if your marraige has any chance of surviving. I'd just focus on postponing your wedding date, if necessary, until you find out whether or not you can both come to a reasonable solution over this.

Just my opinions.