Need serious help in a relationship struggle! please anyone? It's long I know.

[Pillarmerech]

Hey, I have a little problem/question but I dont know where to start, so I guess i'll just blab it all out. It's long, but i really need help and thought people should know the background.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 10 months (roughly) and we started out by a harmless kiss-which is normal, but i had a long distance relationship at that time and we ended up cheating for 5 months before I could finally decided to break it off with the other guy. (it was a mix up of me feeling bad for him, him realizing i had issues with him deciding he was bisexual after we were going out, him ceasing eating, and starting to cut because we had problems and threatening to die without me)
After that thing were going great between us, but we had spent every day together since a a couple months before we were doing anything or liked each other, we were and still are pretty much obsessed with being together, and it's really hard not to be. We really only have one friend that we mutually hang out with and he's our best friend (well his, he's just a friend to me because we dont have TOO TOO much in common and we like to argue).

We love each other a lot, but we've had our share of problems, like his addiction to porn (which i'm against in a sexual relationship with someone and he finally stopped after me crying about it for a long time) him rping (writing with someone else as characters) with this girl multiple times and it being a cybering rp (which i count as cheating and he knew WAY before that), my controling personality (as in you cant watch porn, cant talk to that girl anymore who you cheated on me with, and it is unsaid but we dont really have friends of the opposite sexes because we're both worried the other may leave us for that person because he also left his gf before me because he liked me), and finally the fights we have over all of this.

About a month ago things started to feel different. He is having individuality issues because people see us as one person instead of two, and me being upset because I cant tell with all our fights if he loves me or is in love with me still. There is no question that we dont love each other, but last week we finally realized how unhealthy it was. He's been trying to decide for a week or two if he wants to stay with me because of all the fights and how unhappy we are during them, and we have small fights a LOT. We know we love each other and talked about it (i was crying though again for him not making up his mind yet after he said it was just if being together or apart would make us both happier or not) and we decided to take a "break" not from our relationship, but from being with each other all the time. So this week we havent seen each other all weekend and only see each other in class (because we have all classes together, though today we were in the cafe in between classes because we needed each other's help on a paper and accidentally talked about this and that he's had no progress and doesnt know what to do which is why i'm writing this) and only call each other once at night to say goodnight and in the morning to make sure the other it awake for class.

Anyways, we dont know what to do. We know our relationship is unhealthy because we've each always been the one friends run to with problems and we've told people what to do in this case before, but just cant seem to do it. We dont know what to do, whether we should stay with each other or not, because it's been SOOOO hard for each of us not to run to the other's house this week and hug the other or cuddle and we cant figure out if that is a sign that we just love each other so much and shouldnt break up or if it is a reminder how unhealthy we are. We dont know what to do in this situation, so he suggested posting here (which i brouse regularly) and that maybe someone could give their input or shed some light....so maybe someone could? I know it's a weird situation and a long post, but if ANYONE has any comments or suggestions....PLEASE say so.
THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sera300]

Time to end the relationship and move forward to a healthy life for both of you. Clearly you do not have similar standards, goals, priorities, and values. And you fail to compromise.

Stay friends? Not now since you are too close to each other & emotionally co-dependent.

Focus on your college...and he on his that will determine your futures.

[Ducy]

Firstly, obssession is not good, no matter what it is. (unless an obsession to breathe lol). You should maybe have an urge to see them everyday, but it shouldnt be where it is uncontrollable.

Secondly this sounds like infatuation. I went through this for four months with my first girlfriend...saw her everyday in class, hang out with her all weekend....and we fought all the time...(plus she would break up on me on a regular basis as a "game" to see what I would do, and cheated and said it was my fault)...and I barely saw any of my friends. The controlling personality that you exhibit with him, the jealousy, and the fact that he is doing so much to try to please you (giving up porn and rping...whatever that its ) just makes it more and more clear. My girlfriend wasnt happy unless everything was her way, and although we fought all the time, we still "thought" we loved each other more than life itself.

The fact that you are struggling to not see each other everywaking moment is...well not so good...And the fact that you guys only hang out with one friend, isnt good either. I mean with me and my friend (recent ex) we went to the same school, walked each other to class, and she would wait for me after school (she got out 5th and i got out 6th period) Weekends...pretty much fridays, and eventually it went to friday saturday and sometimes a visit after work on sundays...summer time came and non stop every second. I would go to her house at 8 every morning cuz thats when her mom left, and I would leave at 4, and then we would go out around 7.

Now...err well up until our split, we saw each other maybe 3 times a week, and only 1 would be longer than 2 hours. We loved each other a lot, and still do and we were able to handle it. We would get disappointed if we were supposed to hang out and couldnt. But we werent like OMFG I need to see you NOW. Maybe after an arguement so that we could hug and settle it.

Take a step back from the relationship. Make a list of everything that is good in the relationship and everything bad...everything that you love and dislike about him, and reasons why you should be in the relationship and why you shouldnt...take it seriously though, honestly think about it for a good week, because you wont realize things right away.

I hope this helps a bit...and Infatuation may not be the case, but it is my honest opinion of what it sounds like.

[dancingdoc2]

> I have a little problem

And you are minimizing all this, why?

> My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 10 months (roughly) ... but i had a long distance relationship at that time and we ended up cheating for 5 months before I could finally decided to break it off with the other guy.

Who did what to whom? I'm confused about whether you are referring to the b/f or the LDR guy.

> we were and still are pretty much obsessed with being together, and it's really hard not to be.

This doesn't sound healthy. In a good working relationship couples contribute to it and are in it willingly for the greater good. Obsession can be equated to being needy and this means taking rather than giving. A great relationship works because the people involved give rather than take. We give in order to receive what we want.

How do you see your relationship? I can understand looking forward to being together and to learn about each other and to enjoy each other's companionship, yet this is different. Which is it, really?

There are times when it is necessary to be controlling, as would be the case when a person' behavior is going off the deep end. Under "normal operating conditions", couples give each other latitude and decide before committing whether or not the other person's character, attitudes, behavior, ideas, goals, etc., are compatible. If they are, then "control" is not part of the equation. Debating, discussions, and to some extent, arguing, are.

> that girl anymore who you cheated on me with

Although, you may be in an exclusive relationship, you are not married, therefore "cheating" is not the correct term.

> He is having individuality issues because people see us as one person instead of two,

I understand this; and, it was common with women who grew up prior to the 1960s. They were identified as Mrs. John Doe, not as Jane. Their identity as an individual was all wrapped up in their husband's. Because few women had actual autonomy, few had separate identities. If the husband passed away, first, the woman was often lost and without a rudder.

> and me being upset because I cant tell with all our fights if he loves me or is in love with me still. There is no question that we dont love each other, but last week we finally realized how unhealthy it was.

Asked and answered.

> He's been trying to decide for a week or two if he wants to stay with me because of all the fights and how unhappy we are during them, and we have small fights a LOT.

How old are the two of you?**

These last two statements sum it all up. Each of you desires companionship and are willing to settle for less rather than to require more. Why don't you step up and break of the relationship, such as it is?

Both of you need to acquire some coping skills. Constant arguing and fighting are signs that the people involved do not know how to communicate and relate. If one or the other of you is trying to be "right" then this is a power struggle that is best handled through discussion and negotiation (read: compromise).

> Anyways, we dont know what to do. We know our relationship is unhealthy because we've each always been the one friends run to with problems and we've told people what to do in this case before, but just cant seem to do it. We dont know what to do, whether we should stay with each other or not,

** If you are in high school, my recommendation is to end the involvement.
If you are in college, my recommendation is to seek counseling. If cost is an issue, then look to public agencies or a qualified minister.

What to do? My recommendation is to date and to not enter into any exclusive relationship for the foreseeable future. Here is a partial quote from a recent thread that is an often repeated theme around here:

"Teens and young adults nowadays have the misguided misconception that dating starts and stops with the first warm body who pays attention to them. WRONG. Dating is a way to get closer to a person than just being casual friends in order to see how compatible a match s/he may be for them. Put another way, dating is designed and has been used for generations as a method for sampling what humanity has to offer, so that when Ms. or Mr. Right does come along we will be better able to recognize this and make a better more informed choice.

Dating lets us get to know a variety of personalities, character, likes, dislikes, interests, quirks, habits, morals, religious values, goals, etc. By design, dating should be transitory until one or two individuals become prominent among the many you date. My answer is to date as many people as you can for the next few years and do not enter into an exclusive relationship with any until you are ready to settle down and marry. By doing this you will prevent all the drama and heartaches inherent in relationships when they end--especially if the person is a teen.***

Date more than one person at a time, and why not based upon the above ground rules.

* The more people you date, the wider circle of potential friends you build.

* The more people you date, the more chances you have of doing things with others.

*The more people you date, the busier you will be.

Of course there will be those people you have a single date with only to discover that there is no further interest or reason to continue. Fine. Consider that you had a good time, a good dinner, some conversation, and did not stay home watching reruns on TV. Some dates will continue a bit farther before they end. When they end, just let them go. ***Be sad for a bit if you must but do not invest so heavily in the person at this stage to be all broken up and devastated. Another term for dating is called "playing the field", and again, this is being with and doing things with others on a temporary basis to see if they fit your criteria for a mate.

Having a casual ongoing relationship with a person rather than an exclusive one still gives the two of you the opportunity of having a sexual component if you want. Just play it safe.

I am in agreement with the others on this, yet expressed this sentiment with a few more whys and wherefores."

The process of dating, puts people in touch with people. You mature, emotionally, refine social skills, and learn how to have relationships and make them work. In my never to be so humble opinion, this is what the two of you need to do.

I hope this is of help.

[maupassant]

Time to draw the famous line underneath and start with a new and untainted life. you have forgotten what life is like with a fine partner. I always think of the quotation,'Turn around, shake the dust off your feet and walk away.'

[sexyand17]

i have to say im going through litteraly the exact same thing almost to the word of what you just said, i just posted a thread with the exact same question. should i leave her should i not. ive come up with a solution to my problem. ive always known how my girl feels when feel the way she kisses. if she gives me a stupid silly kiss it means shes in a playfull mood but doesnt want to get into anything but if she kisses me seriously it means shes in the mood and if she just kinda trys to pull away when i try and give her a serious good kiss it means theres no passion towards me and that she doesnt want me around so im doing that next week on halloween when i see her next and if i can tell what kiss she gives it will decide for me what im gunna do. This may not work for you because ive had 2 years or so more then you to know her body language. i think you need to meet someone else. theres no point in being 30% happy and 70% unhappy in the relationship.

[Brandye]

Your title alludes to "relationship struggle." Nothing more needs to be added. Life is enough of a struggle without volunteering for more.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The absolute LAST thing this man needs in his life is such a controlling, low self-esteem, insecure, psycho-BITCH!

I'm against this. I'm against that.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Jeez, grow up already.

Yes, it is your fault - you drove an unstable guy right into the ditch. Congrats.

End it and move on.

[wet_suit_one]

EEK, I gotta say, I love your advice!

Damn! You are a great woman!

The Wet One

[machine_rat]

Bottom line, this all comes accross not as a question of the depth of your love... but more so as a fear of being alone.