different opinion that would cause resentment

[casualty]

I'm new here,
And I'm going to get right to the point. I have been with this woman for a long time and we had a scare recently that she had gotten pregnant. She has been pregnant before with a past partner and was going to keep it, but didn't due to his abuse and not wanting to be tied to him.

Through being with her for a while she has questioned how I would raise my children and we have talked about getting married once she is done school (she has three years to go). Before now she has told me (her bringing it up, not myself) that if she got pregnant she would keep it, because she loves me and she knows it will work out. Everything for the most part has been good between us.

I was raised in a very religious family and I do not approve of not keeping a baby, but can understand in certain circumstances and do not view her as being a bad person for doing what she did. But I can't seam to get over what she said to me the other day. She said that she likes school and is happy right now and if she got pregnant she didn't know what to do. I asked her about what she had said before and she told me that school is the most important thing right now and she knows that I would do everything to support her and help her, but she doesn't want help from anyone else and that she wants to wait to have kids. If I don't want to run the risk of her getting pregnant, not to have sex with her, because if she got pregnant it's her choice.

I'm not trying to say it's not the womans choice, or that it should be. But she was so worried at the beginning of the relationship that what she had done would bother me due to my views. So what am I supposed to make of this?

Saying I love you and I would keep your child, then saying I love you but I don't want that right now if it happened, isn't attractive. She is on the pill and there is basically no chance, but her saying it hurts because she knows it would hurt myself a lot. I would hate to live with that seeing there is no problem between us.

[HardNgood]

real simple solution...she is "on" the pill and beginning IMMEDIATELY, you always use a condom!!
NEVER EVER have sex with her without using a condom, that is doing the right thing dude...there is NO NEGOTIATION !!! both protected at all times,

[Ducy]

Saying I love you and I would keep your child, then saying I love you but I don't want that right now if it happened isn't attractive I guess. She is on the pill and there is basically no chance, but her saying it hurts because she knows it would hurt myself a lot. I would hate to live with that seeing there is no problem between us.

What???? Im very confused at this, I would hate to live with that seeing there is no problem between us.

She more than likely didnt want you to be hurt by telling you that she didnt want to keep it...or more than likely her view changed.

[eminatic]

Originally Posted by casualty

Saying I love you and I would keep your child, then saying I love you but I don't want that right now if it happened, isn't attractive.

well its not about being "attractive" its about not throwing her life down the drain. if she gets pregnant during school, then its over and she probably wont have another chance to go to school for a long, long time.

[katiebug]

I think you might not like my response but here goes:

My opinion is that ANYTIME you are sexually active with someone, regardless of what pill they are on, how many condoms you use, or other BC methods, you should treat sex as if you are doing it to have a baby. Because hey, that's always a possibility, no matter how careful anyone is. Unless you had a vasectomy or she had a complete hysterectomy. Assuming both of you still have all of your original parts and pieces, I think what you are talking about here is very very important.

It is important to talk about the "What If's" when you are sexually active with someone. If you have very different points of view, this is something I think you should consider in your capatibility in your relationship overall. I have very strong beliefs on some things, and I know that I could not be with a man who did not share those beliefs that are most important to me. Maybe this is something that you will find is a complete deal breaker for you and your GF. Better to think about this now rather than later, and god forbid you'd be forced to think about it if she really DID get pregnant by accident.

As far as I know, legally she CAN have an abortion if she so chooses, and I don't believe that there would be anything you can do if she made that decision no matter how much you would be against it. As far as I know, laws do not protect the potential father, they favor the woman as it is "her body". I am not trying to turn this into an abortion debate - no way. I am just saying that if the two of you do not agree on the "What If's", perhaps you should completely reconsider having sex with her at all. Everyone has their own reasons for feeling the way they do about pregnancy and a potential child. I can completely understand what she is saying - she's screaming to you that she is not ready to take on the responsibility of having a child. My answer to that is - if you KNOW you are not ready for the child, don't do the things that might possibly BRING you a child. Even if the chance is .00001%, that's a risk that you don't want to take when she is that sure she wouldn't be able to handle it.

My BF and I are not TRYING to have a baby right now. I am in your GF's shoes with school, a budding career and so on. However, we are sexually active. We use birth control and condoms. The only reason I even remain sexually active with him is because we have talked extensively about "What If's" and we both agreed on a game plan just in case something like that should happen. If we were not in complete agreement about what would happen if I got pregnant, I would not be having sex with him at all. I think it's that important.

These are just my opinions.

[Ducy]

Katie thats a good way to look at it...not to spur a debat or anything but it is the womans body and ultimately it is her choice...i do however believe the father does have a little right in her decision, not necessarily to persuade but she should at least take his reasoning for wanting or not wanting a child into consideration.

You can however still get pregnant after a vasectomy, well for like up to a month. That is why you still need condoms for like a month or two after. (as a precaution.)

Casualty something I did not mention in the earlier post...when you are in love with someone, it is not about your views being identical. In fact some of the best couples do have different views and opinions. (this helps the other see another side of the world since your opinions and views do change you view of the world).

She may have always felt this and was worried about you not wanting to be sexually active if you knew that she didnt want to keep your child....now that you are, and you are comfortable with each other, she could be using her education as an excuse for her sudden change of opinion.

[casualty]

I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts on this matter. I was not trying to be a jerk about it, I just wanted to here some opinions on the matter. I would like to thank Katiebug and ducy for their comments as they really made me think and were not hard to hear(as a matter of speaking) at all. I was confused by why she always brought it up and I never said a word, then she had a change of heart and made sure I knew. When I tried to talk with her, it goes nowhere. It's a what if, we will worry about it when it comes, if it comes. I guess it's hard to hear yes, no, maybe. Thanx again everyone.