Discussing previous relationships ... is this normal? Am I wrong?

[closet_monster]

Should two people who are in a relationship tell each other how many people they have been with? Let slip out once in a while things they have done with other people or laugh about situations they have been in?

When I started dating the girl I'm with, she played the number game with me, which I didn't want to do. She said she did with all the other guys, so whatever. Her being a few years older than me and having different morals. The numbers were obviously different. She didn't care before, fine. As long as she cares now.

What bothers me a lot of the time is that I know the faces, the names and some on " I know them" basis and a lot of these guys are ****ty. She says she never cared about stuff before and how she would not be controlled, but she just says whatever comes out of her mouth.

I was telling her a story about my friend and she felt the need seeing it related. To telling me that she had a guy rub ice cubes all over her. I told her I didn't need to here that. We were right in the middle of a sex board game in fact, but she wants to bring that up and tell me to get over the fact she has been in other relationships. I understand that, but I don't need to know that.

She talks to guys she has been with or just slept with on msn and says they were a part of her life and she isn't changing it. They arn't close friends or anything. But do past guys need to be on her facebook?

Should she be able to make jokes about a guy I have met and have no respect for, that she used to be with, about him pimping out girls and how she should have charged him as were on our way to a movie.

I grew up in a religious family and I guess I'm all about, you don't just give it away, but I know she did. But is it wrong to be bothered or have a problem with hearing about it. She says she just doesn't care and if I said things, it wouldn't bother her. Am I wrong to think this is because she has just been with so many guys that it wouldn't.

So I guess I'm asking. Does any of that make sense or should I get used to it?

I tell her it's not normal to say that stuff and expect your partner to want you after, but she says I'm wrong and if she slips, laugh it off.

[sera300]

Never discuss previous sex partners Period! Only tell if there is a history of STD's...

[tommy_tucker]

the past is history. joke about funny situations but never talk about numbers, unless what sear said

[sunprincess831]

In my opinion I see nothing wrong with discussing past numbers and such....as long as the other person is okay with hearing it. (I mean you cant change the past so no sense dwelling on it!) My husband and I have discussed our pasts except one guy from my past (which used to be his best friend that i dated before my husband). So we have a mutual understanding not to discuss that past relationship, but other stuff is open for discussion.

[Ephemera]

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER bring up previous relationships.

It'll only cause harm.

Only under VERY, VERY limited circumstances where something NEEDS to be said, say something, i.e., if there were problems sexually or something else that might affect the CURRENT RELATIONSHIP.

God I hate it when they took about their first and how wonderful he was in the beginning.

[BTDTWoman]

The important thing here is WHY she is telling you about these experiences, and how YOU feel about hearing them. Since you are uncomfortable, tell her so. If it is the fact that she has had sex with other men before you, get over it. If it triggers your insecurity, get over it. But if she tells you these things to shock, manipulate, or hurt you, tell her that you feel hurt or manipulated. The issue seems to be more about her level of respect for you when she communicates unnecessary information about herself with you.

Also, if you feel that her past behavior is morally objectionable, do her a favor and let her go. Find someone whose sexual behavior is not an issue for you.

[EvilEvilKitten]

When you get with an experienced woman, you have to accept ALL of her including her past, her present, and her future. This is a woman who, if you'll allow her to, will open your eyes and mind - yet you are balking.

It is important in a serious relationship to be able to discuss anything and everything. This includes past lovers. Because we learn from each other.We learn about them, about new things, and we learn a bit more about ourselves with each lover with whom we associate.

If you 'do not need to hear' all of this - why are you with her?

[casualty]

I think I can understand what he is going through, cause I can relate. But I talked it over with my girlfriend and she has made an effort to not bring things up. All has been good. I guess, really it all comes down to what type of person you are, what you have been through and what your views are. All the comments above, are all basically different. One says, never never. The other says take it or leave it. Talk to her, If you care about her you will try to understand why she feels the need and maybe she will respect your not being comfortable. Good luck

[katiebug]

I did talk with my current BF about "numbers", we each told each other how many people we have been with. My reason for wanting to know is because I do not feel good being with someone who had a very very promiscuous past. I did not expect him to be a virgin, not even close (neither was I), but if he had said that he had slept with some outrageous number of people, it would have colored my feelings about him. Some will say, the past is in the past, but I do think that to a certain point, a persons past can give you a big clue as to their morals and values. I personally felt it was important to be with someone that I felt had similar morals and values to my own, which is why I asked him for that number.

Beyond that, we discuss nothing about the past. I don't want to know any details of his sex with other women, and I don't tell him any details of my previous sex life either. We don't even talk about past relationships, who they were with, what we did with other partners even outside of the bedroom. I could not name one of his ex-GF's. He doesn't know the names of mine. He has even met a couple ex-BF's of mine, and he didn't even know it, had no idea. I felt there was no point in bringing it up since those men are not a big part of my life at all. (Both times we ran into the ex-BF's purely by chance, other than that I have no contact with any of them.) We have been together for 2.5 years and we still know basically nothing about each other's romantic past. I am perfectly OK with that.

In general when I am newly dating someone, I will ask them how many people they have slept with in the past, how recently they were tested for STD's or if they have any STD's, and how long their longest relationship was. That is all I ever really wanted to know. I think that if you are getting into a serious relationship with someone, you should be able to talk to them openly and honestly about tough topics - the past being one of them. You should ask them anything that you feel you need to know in order to be happy. However, you should tread carefully and think about how the answers to your questions may possibly affect your long term happiness with that person. Before asking anything about my BF's past, I asked myself if it was really important to me to know the potential answer and how it might affect me if I heard something that became upsetting. Sometimes learning too much can be more hurtful than helpful.

[EvilEvilKitten]

WHY is what matters - not how many.

It is NOT numbers - it is motive: sex for drugs, sex for money, using someone else's body to get money or drugs - that is where morals comes in. Sex for mutual pleasure/fun is not a moral/value issue.