Lack of sex, what should I do?

[sunprincess831]

Lately my husband hasn't been interested in sex at all. We've been together 5 years, married 3 of them (minus a year and a half in Iraq). He did just get back from Iraq 5 months ago and I thought that might be the problem, but all the guys he went with are not having this problem. While he was over there nothing major happened to him and they did not lose any of their men! When we do have it I feel like I'm forcing him into it. I've tried offering EVERYTHING possible (new positions, new places, new people, role play, ect.) to get him interested in having sex with me, but nothing interests him anymore, he just says he's not in the mood?!?! I tried asking him if we could go to some counseling but he refuses. I asked if he was gay or having an affair.....both answers were no. When he first came home he said he wanted to start a family and i went off birth control (and sex was plentiful), I asked him if that was scaring him now and I would go back on birth control.....he said no. I've tried talking to him and he's never been one to talk about things period, so that goes no where. I'm just becoming very depressed and frustrated with this all. Does anyone have any suggestions????

**I'm new here and don't mean to repost this if has been posted before (did a search and didn't find anything)**

[sera300]

No sex? No kids? No effort? No couseling? Time to leave the marriage--you.

[Ducy]

how long has this been going on for? you said that sex was plentiful when he came back, but when did it start, last month, two weeks ago?

[sunprincess831]

the first 2 months he was home sex was plentiful and then it just stopped....so about 3 months of this!

[sera300]

No counseling, no marriage....easy unless you want a sexless marriage, give this behavior 20 years and see how you feel; or you go elsewhere for sex with his consent.

[sera300]

Here is a link on the same subject but she does not want sex...read Evilevilkittens long & informative reply:
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/marr...-_married.html

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by sera300

No sex? No kids? No effort? No couseling? Time to leave the marriage--you.

Perhaps she should ask him "how's this workin' for you?" I agree, although, not so fast here.

Something is going on and having an a/effect on him. Maybe it is not the result of his tour in Iraq; however, I would not be so quick to dismiss this fact. It is wonderful that he and his company returned without physical injuries; however, there is the issue of stress and the matter of seeing, hearing, smelling, and being in a less than hospitable environment with which to contend. "Tuning out" may not be the result of his exposure to war; regardless, one of two scenarios are probably at play; first, he is in fact tuning out and not dealing with whatever is troubling him; second, he is not interacting because he is consumed by his attempt to gain a handle on whatever it is that has him immobilized.

I've tried talking to him and he's never been one to talk about things period, so that goes no where. I'm just becoming very depressed and frustrated with this all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I bet if you ask him whether or not he believes a marriage is a partnership he will reply with a "yes"; that said, then one might then ask why he is not actively participating and holding up his end of the bargain. His behavior is typical, yet I have not good solution other than to encourage him to seek counseling. The base line and reason for this is in that old saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Whether he fails to recognize that there is a problem with the relationship, or, he does and hopes that by not thinking about it or stepping up and dealing with it the problem will somehow magically fix itself is self destructive.

It is now, after all else has failed, that I agree with Sera and believe you two should separate and/or end it all. Lastly--go back on the pill! You do not want to bring a third person into this non-marriage. A child will NOT fix this.

[sera300]

Gentle persuasion can work but not when a man refuses (a strong word) to seek counseling. That in it's self is the greatest barrier Doc. He has shut her off and has dismissed her.

Having had a police officer as a husband for many years who also was Army, they refuse to do anything out of the norm. & for many reasons which I will not go into. Iraq is still military or paramilitary based on what they do.

It's drilled into the mindset that men do not seek help since it's a sign of weakness & the stronger the militia the more difficulty there is for a spouse.

I responded to her for a reason in the way I did to see her response. Note: She did not lash back at me rather read the thread & the subsequent one I linked. This demonstrates much about her. She did not lash out at my behavior nor did she whimper or seek to be coddled...

I do know once I sent my then spouse packing which in return caused him to seek counseling. Then later we did divorce (many years later) and he did go to a Psychiatrist.

I do hope this helps the OP!

[sunprincess831]

Thanks for the help, I'm going try discussing it with him again and see where it goes!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Please be sure to get back with us and tell us how it is going!