Intimacy Fading - Married

[dyvar]

I've been married to a wonderful woman for 14 years. We got married very young, and I'm only 33 now. I really love her, and our relationship is great outside of the bedroom. We have morals that are similar. We don't have fights, nobody has cheated, and we have lots fun as a family. (We have one 2 year-old)

ANYWAY, the reason I've logged on is to see some other perspectives of what's going on here.

Over the last 5 years or so, the intimacy factor of our love life has faded down to near nothing. We do not engage in ANY foreplay anymore. No kissing, touching or anything. She really enjoys sex about once a month. The other times, it's more of a "favor" to me....or it at least feels this way. If you consider me putting on some lube on myself just before we start, foreplay, then that's the end of it. I can only remember one time (a week or so ago) that she's even reached out, and touched between my legs....if you know what I mean. About 5 years ago she used to give me head about once a month. Sometimes to completion, and other times as foreplay. Now, it's gone down to about once every year and a half. (oct. 2005 - june 2006 and not yet this year....I'm hoping October '07 has something in store.) There is rarely kissing when we are even having sex, and every couple of months I can put my hand on her pubis as long as I keep it still. This helps her to orgasm. The vast majority of her orgasms come from outside stimulation, and yet she has only allowed me to try oral on her a couple of times. Directly after both times, she's commented on how fun that was, and we should do it more. If I try, she'll get mad at me. I haven't tried in a few years now.

One big problem that I see developing is that I'm starting to lose "desire" for her. I still love her, and maybe more than ever, I just am starting to not care. I'm giving up. I mean there's only so many times you can have sex with someone when they hardly react before you just don't want to do it anymore. I won't leave her, and I won't cheat. I still have drive....a LOT, but when she's changing, or showering in front of me, I seem not to care anymore. I feel there's no need to get turned on anymore. If I start by curling up to her in bed, and hold her for a while...then say, start to kiss her neck, she'll say, "do you want to do it?" right then, I lose it. It's just.. you can't keep moving forward after that.

I've tried laying off, and just not "hitting" on her. I've tried to create more intimacy outside of sex. (for example) When she gets home, I was giving her a nice long hug, and kiss her. She didn't like that. For a long time I was just trying to make her feel sexy. I'd tell her how pretty her outfit is, or how sexy her hair was that day.....nothing seems to help. IF I try to talk about it, she gets angry, and the conversation turns to "What, I'm not good enough?" again:

Is there ANYTHING that I can do? Am I just doomed to feel like this forever? Do I just wait it out? Any opinions?

Sorry for such a long post, but it's been on my mind for a long time now.

[sera300]

She is having issues which she needs to talk about, there is something underlying which is making her feel unattractive, not desirable, and defensive, etc. This is with the assumption you did at one time have a good sex life early on.

As far as you feeling turned off; if you do something pleasurable and get hit in the head with a 2x4; does that not turn you off? You are beginning to assume negative reinforcement, so then why bother?

I'd send the baby off for a night to visit parents and see how open she is to sitting down and having a good heart to heart talk which is non-confrontational. Words like "I feel this way when X happens" are needed & NOT "you make me feel bad [or insert the word]".

If this fails marriage counseling...

These cycles are self-perpetuating. And unfortunately can cause the end to a marriage all because of miscommunication and misreading each other.

[dyvar]

Thanks. We don't have parents, or relatives in the area, but maybe we can find someone to babysit. I just hope it doesn't get twisted around like usual. I only want to get things out in the open.

[dyvar]

Just thought of something else.....another thing that she says when I start to talk about our sexlife, or lack of, she says is just because she's tired. Problem is that she's been tired for years.

[dancingdoc2]

Good idea, that, Sera.

How involved are you as a housemate? Are you holding up your end of the responsibilities of running the household? In other words, are you doing your share or more of interacting with your child and taking care of his/her needs? Laundry? Dishes? Cooking? Trash? Lawn care? Odd jobs that need attention or repairing? Bills? etc., et cetera, etc? I'm asking because it is not uncommon for husbands to subscribe to the notion that his responsibilities are the outside of the house, like lawn care. If the family lives in an apartment--well, no responsibilities. Whether or not the wife works, her responsibilities also include jobs inside. What you see then is the husband who comes home after work, grabs a beer, sits down in front of the boob-tube, burps and that is the last you hear of him unless he begins to bark orders.

All I'm pointing out is that a family is a partnership that is equal, meaning that both of you must recognize what jobs or tasks need to be addressed, then step up without being asked and taking care of business.

If you are an involved father and partner, then disregard this post. For others reading this that may have a problem, begin analyzing your part in all this.

Tired? She is also older, and, may have more responsibilities than before. Again, are you pitching in and doing your part?

If she is genuinely tired, then see what you can do to lessen her burden and take them on.
Next, plan on date nights in which someone babysits or you farm your child out to family or neighbor for the night. Do this regularly!

Cook meals ahead. I had a cousin who cooked two or three days a week and put the left overs in the freezer for use the rest of the week. So, for four or five days she did not slave over a hot stove for an hour or so preparing meals. While you clean up and do the dishes, draw a bath for her and encourage her to take a soak or "beauty bath" and that you will join her later. By this time the baby should be in bed.

[dyvar]

I actually own a small business, and stay home with our child. I can do most everything from here during the day. I keep the house clean, and cook 6/7 days a week. Sundays are reserved family day, and we go do stuff like art museums, kid museums, parks, and whatever else we may want to do. I do the yard work, and household repairs. I'm also in charge of car care. She does the bills, and helps with organization while I do the basic cleaning. Usually the weekly things she does like bathroom, mirrors, and stuff like that.

Although, I do get your point. Both of us still have a lot to do. She usually crashes out at 9:30, and our child falls asleep around 9.

[sera300]

Wow, you do a great deal to help. I would look in to the fatigue seeing if anything can help subside it or if there is a physical issue. Look at the General Practitioner and a gyn check up with hormone levels. If all comes back okay; the next is resolving the psychological aspect. And then getting you back into her.

Obviously you love her, you do much to keep the family together and you do more then many men. There is something happening within her. Yes, she is getting older but at early thirties she should be able to run circles around most, even with a 2 year old. Tell her you miss her, you miss the way she used to smile at you, the way she was eager to see you, etc...let her know you are lonely for her....

[sera300]

Thinking a bit more perhaps she has feelings of resentment? A bit hostile? They may be rational or merely perceived. Just a gut thought. Was she ever very sexual?

[dancingdoc2]

Well, kudos to you! I hope other guys read this thread.

Another idea you may suggest is to wake up a bit earlier than usual and have your love making session early in the morning instead of later at night.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Well, kudos to you! I hope other guys read this thread.

So true! If all men read through this and took suggestions and exhibited the effort!