The doors are locked

[mrartist]

LONG POST WARNING: I read the posts by the women who are dealing with a lack of libido. Well, I'm a man whose wife is suffering. I guess I'm suffering from her lack too.... The last time we did anything was two years ago, when we evacuated from Katrina.

A little background to help: My wife was diagnosed with hypothyriodism several years ago, and she's taking medicine and has regular checks to maintain her levels. She is also an anorexic; she was in in-patient treatment in 2004. She's back to a healthy weight. Me, I have a short temper and can be hot-headed and very sarcastic.

For the past four years, I have been going to school part-time to finish my bachelor's degree. I just graduated this summer. Obviously, school has taken some time away from us. In fact, when I started going back, she decided she'd go back as well. We'd alternate nights so one of us would be home with the kids. But the pressures triggered her eating restrictions which led to her stay at the treatment center.

Sexually, she's never been very gung-ho. She liked it, but she wasn't interested in experimentation. I attempted to perform oral sex once, but she didn't feel comfortable with it. Her idea of experimentation is missionary facing south instead of north.

About the same time she went to the treatment center, all desire just left her. It's easy to say that her anorexia was the cause, but her desire had been waning for years. it just culminated at his time. And later in her treatment, when she was allowed to come home on weekend furloughs, we had the best sex we ever had on one of the furloughs. It was one of the last times we would.

I've tried connecting with her on the same level we did during the furlough. It has been hard since I have been going to school. But when I try, she always seems to come up with something that's more important.... laundry needs to be put in the dryer, the dog needs to go out or come in, garbage needs to be taken out in two days. She doesn't want to take anything much further than holding hands. She's been to counseling (part of her treatment), and she gets regular check-ups for her hypothyroidism. She's even tried testosterone, which helped once but the efficacy of further treatments diminished.

I've been patient and supportive through all this. But it's frustrating. I suppose I just really wanted to vent, unless someone has some suggestions. Thanks for reading.

[sera300]

First what are you doing to help alleviate the degree of work around the house? Why not take the garbage out or do some laundry?

Second, has she seen her gyn and had all her hormones checked? Testosterone has limited effects, you need a balance of Estro. & Progest. I would say she needs to have them checked...

Third, marriage counselor.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stress, hormones, mindsets - they all play a part but in YOUR case - it is her mindset. She is thankful that she can give up having sex.

1. never felt comfy, uninhibited
2. never was the slightest bit intrigued - "wonder if he'll like this"
3. is currently not at all upset at her lack of desire

I strongly recommend that you do body worship, tie her down onto the bed if you have to, until she is screaming for you! No excuses, woman! "Stand and deliver!" Say that while toe-to-toe then wrap her in your big strong arms, kiss her for at least 20 seconds like you MEAN it, then carry her to the bed forthwith! Exhibit exuberance and enthusiasm! Don't take no for an answer either!

[NorthernPixie]

Gosh! It must be so frustrating for you! Obviously you're being really patient, and that's great. I agree with EEK's suggestions above. Exuberance, enthusiasm and confidence could have a really positive affect, approaching the situation with a loving and caring attitude- making love rather than having sex. I imagine that when she suggests that you 'don't take no for an answer' that doesn't mean that you should carry on if she is distressed. If you do, I think that that would be a fair recipe for ensuring that you NEVER have sex again!

All the very best!

[EvilEvilKitten]

There is such a thing as "marital rape" but marriage means BOTH "bed and board" - which means not eating together and denial of marital sexual rights.
Consideration by both for eachother - if a wife stops having sex it is just as actionable as a husband forcing his wife to have sex against her will. Remember that people.

But he has to communicate in a way which will break down her barriers that she will understand, and accept. IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT HER. His desires are just as valid as hers. Hence the "stand and deliver" attitude I recommend.

Yes you both love eachother but Come on! Something's got to give here or the marriage will will fail one way or another.

[yuna]

energy healings. www.quantumtouch.com

[EvilEvilKitten]

more to the point: www.wickedwomangroup.us

[machine_rat]

I suppose one question that I would ask is does your wife see herself as a victim?

Does she blame all the problems in her life around her medical problems?

I'm not saying that they don't affect her, but so many people get caught up in feeling sorry for themselves and limit their own potential by hiding behind their diseases or conditions.

[redgold18]

It's possible she doesn't feel attractive anymore or doubts your lust for her. I'm sure a lot of women can relate to this...no matter how many times your guy tells you how sexy you are and how much he wants you, we'll see that stretch mark on a breast, or the flab on a thigh, and we'll start wondering, "How can I be sexy???"
Especially if she was never gung-ho with sex to begin with, maybe part of the issue is just how she views herself, and how she thinks you view her.
Just a theory, a possibility...maybe it's a mental thing, her perception of herself, and not a physical issue she's having. Just something else to consider as a possibility.