No sexual spontaneity.

[cjb1981]

My girlfriend and I have been dating sense the middle of February. We've gotten to the point where we are pretty comfortable with each other. It's safe to say that both of us are passivities, we've not been in one argument or even gotten mad at each other once. Sex is pretty decent, and frequent. We have a far amount in common. But both of us have only had one other sexual partner and I think that it may have something to do with my problem. She doesn't really turn me on as much as I know she could. Physically she's cute, and she's really sweet too. The thing is, she isn't aggressive at all. She never takes control of the situation, I'm not talking about an s&m sort of thing, but i would give just about anything for her to "take what she wants". It's gotten to the point where it's affecting my performance, I'm just not that into the sex. I'm finding myself, not that attracted to her anymore, which sucks because I really want to be. She's an absolutely great person, really cute, intelligent, and kind. But there's just no sexual spontaneity. She'll be gone until the beginning of December, so I have a while before I'll be able to say something to her about it. But this may be a deal breaker, and I don't want it to be. I just wish that she was more aggressive, or sexually assertive. I've told her that I love it when she takes charge, but she's only done it once, and not even come close to doing it again. I've asked her to tell me what turns her on, in some hope that it would excite her in some way, but she just says that I'm doing a great job, and that's the end of the conversation. Any thoughts as to how to fix the situation?

[sera300]

Sexual compatibility is a must in all relationships; otherwise, as you are noticing the desire fades as does attraction. Fix it? You may be asking her to be someone she is not, there may be no real fix for the matter.

[dancingdoc2]

> Sex is pretty decent, and frequent. We have a far amount in common. But both of us have only had one other sexual partner and I think that it may have something to do with my problem. She doesn't really turn me on as much as I know she could. Physically she's cute, and she's really sweet too. The thing is, she isn't aggressive at all.

From what I'm reading it sounds like your relationship is the stuff of friendship. This is a necessary ingredient yet you make it sound like there is no chemistry between you.

My answer for your concern about what affect your prior sexual histories may play is for you to read this.

> It's gotten to the point where it's affecting my performance, I'm just not that into the sex. I'm finding myself, not that attracted to her anymore, which sucks because I really want to be. She's an absolutely great person, really cute, intelligent, and kind. But there's just no sexual spontaneity.

In regard to what I said above, let me ask you directly: is there chemistry or "sparks" between you? Having a great friendship is not enough, you must also have pheromones flying that you react to.

It is understandable that her lack of spontaneity affects your ardor and thus the passion and zeal you feel. I'm just asking you to analyze your relationship to determine if it is this or a lack of an emotional bond beyond the friendship that is missing.

> But this may be a deal breaker, and I don't want it to be. I just wish that she was more aggressive, or sexually assertive.

Yes, it might be, as Sera300 has noted. This is what dating is all about, to sample what humanity has to offer and weed out those people who are not a match for whatever reason--and, not necessarily having anything to do with their character. Dating does not start and stop with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is a process that involves interacting with several people over time.*

Is she a willing participant when it comes time to make love? Once there is some heat, is she then an active participant or passive?

If she is ready, willing, and able, and is an active partner during your love making sessions, yet not a self starter, then you have to decide whether this is enough for you over the long haul.
* If she pretty much just lays there passively letting you have your way with her, then I'd say you have grounds for getting on down the road without her.

> I just wish that she was more aggressive, or sexually assertive.

This may be due to her personality, or, lack of a strong sex drive, or, simply a lack of self-confidence. Only you can make this determination. I will say that "knowledge is power", so it just may be that all she lacks is some sex ed., beginning with why it is important for both of you to work together in partnership. I've said this many times, that making love is not what we do to each other, rather, what we do with and for each other. She may not yet understand the dynamics, in which case all you can do is to point this out to her and why this is important. It's not unlike leading a horse to water.....

Why is she away? Is she in college or the military? Just being nosy.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[cjb1981]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

In regard to what I said above, let me ask you directly: is there chemistry or "sparks" between you? Having a great friendship is not enough, you must also have pheromones flying that you react to.

I know that it sounds pretty bad, but I don't know if I'm capable of having a "spark" for anyone. I know that if she's away, I feel sad. I have had family members, that I was really close to die, and I didn't cry, but I cried when she left. I just don't have any type of reference point, to say whether I love her or not. There are times when I am sure that I do, and other times when I just don't know. I also know that I trust her, and am more comfortable with her then I've ever been with anyone, save my brother and sister.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Is she a willing participant when it comes time to make love? Once there is some heat, is she then an active participant or passive?

She's very willing. About 35-45% of the time, she's the one who will kiss me first, or make the first move. The problem is, she won't go any farther. Don't get me wrong, she is very active throughout, she just never takes control of the situation. She doesn't just lay there, she'll get on top of me. When we have sex, it can be very passionate, but she's more of the "follower" if that makes sense.

> I just wish that she was more aggressive, or sexually assertive.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

This may be due to her personality, or, lack of a strong sex drive, or, simply a lack of self-confidence.

I'd say that it's a combination of personality, and self confidence. Like I said, we are both passive people, but she is more so. I''ve asked her repeatedly to tell me what turns her on, and she won't. She just says that I'm doing a great job. She comes to orgasm both from sex, and oral, so I know that I'm doing OK,, that being said, I know that it could be better for her. She won't touch herself in front of me either, she will admit to doing it, but she is uncomfortable with the thought of me watching her. I don't have a problem with that, just using it as an example of her self confidence issues.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Why is she away? Is she in college or the military? Just being nosy.

Ha! No problem Doc, it's a learning abroad program for school. Sera, Doc, thanks for the input.

[dancingdoc2]

> Ha! No problem Doc, it's a learning abroad program for school. Sera, Doc, thanks for the input.

Understood, thanks.

> I know that it sounds pretty bad, but I don't know if I'm capable of having a "spark" for anyone. I know that if she's away, I feel sad. I have had family members, that I was really close to die, and I didn't cry, but I cried when she left. I just don't have any type of reference point, to say whether I love her or not. There are times when I am sure that I do, and other times when I just don't know. I also know that I trust her, and am more comfortable with her then I've ever been with anyone, save my brother and sister.

Once, again, this sounds like a friendship -- best friend, actually --scenario. Unless there is something psychologically wrong with you, my guess is that you have not yet found Ms. Right. When Ms. Right does step before you, you will either know immediately, or, a relationship like you describe will continue to mature and the person will cause things like weak knees, palpitations, or in the vernacular--take your breath away. This person will be captivating, not just interesting.

> About 35-45% of the time, she's the one who will kiss me first, or make the first move. The problem is, she won't go any farther. Don't get me wrong, she is very active throughout, she just never takes control of the situation.

Gotcha.

> I'd say that it's a combination of personality, and self confidence. Like I said, we are both passive people, but she is more so.

As a willing and active participant you do have something to work with. It may just be that it will take some growing up on her part with regard to the confidence matter, perhaps helped by some additional insight with regard to sex ed.

> When we have sex, it can be very passionate, but she's more of the "follower" if that makes sense.

Yes. One way to change a person's behavior is for him/her to act their way to success. Have you considered or done any play acting? When she returns try playing "doctor" or "nurse" only carrying the physical exam to the extreme. The same goes for bondage. Have her tie you to the bedstead, mattress frame, or even a captain's chair (wood chair with arms like a dining room chair) having her way with you. Just agree on a safe word beforehand.

> She won't touch herself in front of me either, she will admit to doing it, but she is uncomfortable with the thought of me watching her. I don't have a problem with that, just using it as an example of her self confidence issues.

OK. Here are some ideas.
1.) Encourage her to touch herself in total darkness. She can either touch her genitals, or, touch and caress her entire body. If she is willing to do this while you lay beside her, then after a couple of times of her doing this, ask her if you can follow along by tracing your hand alongside hers.

2.) Each of us knows the mechanics involved in how the other masturbates; however, there is more to this that I call the Fine Art. It is the specific way that is unique to each individual. Even though you can finger her successfully and she orgasms from your touch, you will no doubt do better if you learn to mimic her method. Encourage her to demonstrate how she does this and then to take your fingers and guide your movements over a few sessions. (The same works for her with you.) If she agrees, begin with the lights off, then with a night light the next time.

As part of this it is critical that you provide feedback to each other on how you are responding to their caress. For more on this, read this article.

3.) Feedback is critically important to communication. Here's why?

When we masturbate we benefit from an internal feedback that lets us modulate our movements and control our actions. The same holds true when we caress our skin all over. This internal feedback is not available when we turn the reins over to someone else. So, we must develop another form of feedback and this is accomplished with both "verbal" and "non-verbal" forms of communication.

With everything the two of you do with and for each other, feedback is key. Both of you have to provide this information either verbally or non-verbally on how you are responding to caresses and for what you may need--now; otherwise, the best that can be hoped for is a guess. With something so important, who wants to be right 50% of the time at best?

Verbal communication can be a (whispered) word or other utterance that lets your partner know how you are responding to their caress; non-verbal communication can be a squeeze of the hand or some other form of body language that conveys specific meanings that the two of you work out. I encourage the two of you to work on establishing these communication skills if you have not already done so. If she understands the importance of this it may be enough to bring her out of her shell.

Here is another nosy question: Do the two of you make love in the dark or do you also fool around in the daylight? If total darkness, try introducing the concept of a night light or daylight if for no other reason than making oral sex more manageable and stimulating, not to mention observing each other's reactions to being touched and caressed.

[curious_woman]

I agree with the doc about the whole "spark" thing. It sounds to me you just haven't met the right person. Before I met my partner...either my relationships were more friends than boyfriends, or just a warm body as mentioned above. With my fiancée its everything; from the moment we met, the moment we first kissed, the first time we made love and everytime since...I get that funny feeling in my stomach and we're best friends but we have the most animalistic sex ever .

My suggestion, talk to her about it and see if she's just shy. If not, its really her personality and I'd say get ready to move on.

[cjb1981]

Well I'm a really emotionally reserved person. I mean, I have no problem joking around, I've got a good sense of humor. I get annoyed at people, when they do stupid things. But, I usually don't have strong emotions about anything. All and all, I'm pretty mellow. I don't know if that is consistent with having, "something psychologically wrong with me."

[Ducy]

cjb i know exactly where your coming from and I am the same exact way...im pretty mellow and when i have family die its like ok ill miss them but im not upset....yet when we have broken up ive cried...and my girlfriend sounds like yours as well...she loves it when i take control, and when we first started fooling around she was a little hesitant...

But i did talk to her about it and I asked her what she liked, what turned her on and all that...at first she said she didnt know, just whatever i did, but then i started asking her a few moments after we would finish with our fooling
around "sessions" and thats when she began to open up....we've gotten open about what we want...and we have tried new things....she takes control sometimes (especially when she is like an animal) and sometimes I will....our relationship is a lot of compromise since i am horny almost 100% of the time lol.

Talk to her about it like i did, after sex, not immediately but a few minutes after the initial fuzzy feeling passes. Or ask her to try and get a little more, have her say what feels good, what makes her hot etc. it may work...if not try a sex therapist if you really want this relationship to stay.

Oh and one last thing....how long have you guys been having sex? is it fairly new or is it a long time event. I know that me and my girlfriends sex life isnt amazing, since we have just recently started plus we were both virgins so were learning what we like. It could just be she is still exploring her likes and dislikes.

Good luck cjb...I hope everything turns out well.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay so she offers or initiates sex but doesn't go further and "take charge". She's an active participant and stays invovled when you two are engaged in sexual congress by which I mean she's not looking at her watch or checking her cell phone to see if she's had any calls or thinking beige - I'll paint the ceiling beige.

Tell me, does she enjoy it if you lick the back of her left knee? Does she quiver in delight when you kiss her right hip bone? Has she run the tip of her tongue slowly up your spine and heavily kissed the nape of your neck much to your enjoyment? If you do not know, you two haven't even begun to explore the sex of which you both are capable.

You are an emotionally detached person. Insulated from emotions. She may or may not be. Chances are she's become less emotional because that is what you taught her, by example, was "acceptable". Partners teach eachother over time. Think. What have you taught her? Women are notorious for being "accomodating". How has she changed over the time you two have been together?

Leave the girl alone when it comes to masturbating. Everyone needs something just for themselves and that may be her "something".

Seems to me that you are asking her to change but you aren't willing to change yourself. This entire thread, for example, is about what you want and NOT about what you're willing to give. Perhaps some of that "emotional detachment" has to go. Generally women want eagerness and not "So, it is you again."

[cjb1981]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

You are an emotionally detached person. Insulated from emotions. She may or may not be. Chances are she's become less emotional because that is what you taught her, by example, was "acceptable". Partners teach each other over time. Think. What have you taught her? Women are notorious for being "accommodating". How has she changed over the time you two have been together?

We both have opened up A LOT about random family, work, friend issues etc. sense we started dating. We're both more comfortable in general with each other. However, as far as sex goes, I'm running through the forest blindfolded. She won't tell me ANYTHING about what she likes. I've had to go through "trial and error", to find out what turns her on.

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Leave the girl alone when it comes to masturbating. Everyone needs something just for themselves and that may be her "something".

Well, like I said, I was just using that as an example of her self confidence issues. By no means have I given her any grief about it. We talked about it, she said she didn't feel comfortable doing it in front of me, I haven't brought it up sense.

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Seems to me that you are asking her to change but you aren't willing to change yourself. This entire thread, for example, is about what you want and NOT about what you're willing to give.

I'd say that I'm pretty open to change. That's basically why I started the thread, to find out how to get her to tell me what she wants from me. What can I do to make her happier. When I say "more aggressive, or sexually assertive", I mean commanding. I want her to tell me how I can best please her. If she would do that, it would solve any "bedroom issues" that we have. Bottom line- Her getting off, gets me off. Right before she left for school,we were just getting to the point where she would orgasm 2-5 times during foreplay/sex/foreplay.

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Perhaps some of that "emotional detachment" has to go. Generally women want eagerness and not "So, it is you again."

" Perhaps some of that emotional detachment has to go"? I wish it was as easy as that. I don't know how to become more emotional. It's not a light switch that I can just turn on and off. Also, I think that maybe I've not explained myself as well as I could have. By no means is the sex bad, In fact 95% of the time, it's pretty good, I just know that it could be a lot better for both of us. Like I said, I just wish that she was more aggressive, or sexually assertive. Or if not, then at least tell me what would make sex better for her.

Originally Posted by Ducy

how long have you guys been having sex?

Sense the beginning of April. And I have tried talking to her about sex while we cuddle afterwards, she's a little more open to discussion, but not by much.