infidelity...how to overcome it

[lilliesareforfun]

Married for 11 yrs. Hubby became unhappy, started being very mean & thoughtless, finally admitted to having a girlfriend(a symptom of our ailing marriage). We seperated for 4 months (marriage therapist told him to move out because of treatment of me).
Now we are together again, had sex once, no orgasm for either of us. He said he needed to concentrate on it. I've always had trouble & now it's worse because of the image of some woman and him in my mind. He never touches me on his own, I kiss him, hold his hand. How do you get over that and restore trust? Also he has never apologized. I know I need to forgive him even if he doesn't but I need an apology

[sera300]

I think you need to speak with the marriage counselor about this part of your relationship & the impact on the marrriage.

[demonbuttercup]

I would question the fact of getting back together. Yes it is good when couples can overcome cheating and move past it... but it takes effort on both sides.
If he's never apologized, then he probably sees that he has nothing to apologize for?!?
It's one thing for you to forgive him and move on w/ your life... it's a whole nother story if you are still w/ the guy.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by lilliesareforfun

Married for 11 yrs. Hubby became unhappy, started being very mean & thoughtless, finally admitted to having a girlfriend (a symptom of our ailing marriage). We seperated for 4 months (marriage therapist told him to move out because of treatment of me).

There can be several reasons why a man exhibits meanness. Among them are:
* Assert dominance
* Vindictiveness
* Retaliation to some perceived hurt
* Hope that enough negative behavior will cause you some measure of the hurt he believes he has experienced.
* That you will end the relationship so he will not have to.

Now, do you have any idea why he decided to become unfaithful? Has he told you or a therapist?

Now we are together again, had sex once, no orgasm for either of us. He said he needed to concentrate on it. I've always had trouble & now it's worse because of the image of some woman and him in my mind. He never touches me on his own, I kiss him, hold his hand.

If he isn't interested in touching you or showing physical affection, then he has no emotional connection. No connection--no relationship.

How do you get over that and restore trust? Also he has never apologized. I know I need to forgive him even if he doesn't but I need an apology

Second question, first: You probably will not be able to move on (with him) until he understands what affect his actions have had on you. He can apologize and say he is sorry all he wants yet "until he gets it", you will most likely not be able to forgive, forget, and begin to reestablish trust. You may have to spell it out as to exactly how he has hurt you and/or caused other fractures because quite frankly, guys need the dots connected and are not all that intuitive. Even with this information, if he is not willing to mend your relationship, you've essentially got nothing to work with.

If trust is to be reestablished, the usual process requires both time and behavior that is an open book.

Unless and until he is willing to apologize for how his adultery has harmed you, and until he is willing to work on building a healthy relationship, and until he connects to you emotionally, you've got little to no hope of repair in my opinion.

No apology, is like running out of gas or turning off the electric power.

An apology without knowing the type or extent of the injury is like applying duct tape.

[sera300]

What Doc said is right on. Your husband went out of the marriage, what caused his behavior? What is your part in this? How has he allowed/caused the marriage to to awry? What have you done to cause/allow it to go awry?

What caused you two to go back to being a couple? What has he done to fix your marriage? What have you done?

These are questions only you can examine & discuss w/a good counselor. And clearly define what you need from him & he needs to define clearly what he needs from you; now do both of your goals still match?

Additionally, were you ever "good together"? Or was the marriage a mistake? Is there anything left to salvage? And most importantly are both parties willing to put 100% in to making it work? Or did you allow him to sneak back in a moment of weakness?

[lilliesareforfun]

Thanks for all the feedback...have much more to think about now. We do see a therapist. And I see 2 others on my own (church LMFT and Kaiser LMFT), take Effexor and Ativan...doing much better.
Many things have put a strain on our relationship...my depression for one thing. Long term struggle and losing a baby to amniocentesis, my father and I not getting along (so much so, he told me he never wanted to see me again), him passing away on xmas with out a reconciliation, me being sexually abused as a child and I never dealt with it (have an inner voice that tells me I am a throw away person, even though I know it is not true). My depression was so bad I did not clean the house for a year...surface tidying only, went on crazy shopping sprees and created major debt trying to find happiness. I was also raised in a way that taught me to be uncommunicative...solve your own problems, don't ask for help, chin up, crying doesn't do any good...so I did not ask for help when I needed it or share my feelings (I do now, he probably wishes I'd shut up because I bring up the tough issues).
So he had some good reasons to be unhappy...not that everything is my fault....it takes 2.

We have a 7 yr old son and I focused all the "healthy" energy I had on him becuase he is my sunshine and an innocent bystander. He is number one in my life and my husband should be in that spot (after God if you are a Christian). My husband's passion is cars & I don't know where I fit in the hierarchy of his life. Kind of pathetic and sad, but I am getting into a pity party now and that will just bring me down.
I am reading the 5 languages of apology and also trying to figure out my husbands love language and mine (obviously gifts are nice but I don't know if that is my primary love language). Reading lots of other self-help books too. And the house is a mess again which really bugs me because I spent a lot of time and energy getting it clean...need a house keeper lol.

[bruins76]

Getting over infidelity can be done, but it's VERY hard & take's a lot a work on BOTH parties involved. Therapy is something you have to do, otherwise it will not work. Sounds like you guys might have gotten back together too soon & you need to deal w/ a lot of the issues that aren't being dealt with.

Talk to your therapist about this.

[EvilEvilKitten]

My, my you have been having a time of it, haven't you?
First: recognise that you are a person worthy of respect, even your own. Change your behavior - No whining. No crying.
Second: Look at your husband. Literally. Focusing right upon him right there, right now - do you want to stay married to him? No other considerations are permitted. Just him; as he is; flaws and virtues - do you want to stay married to him? TELL HIM YES or NO as the case maybe.
If No, forget the marriage counselors and get a lawyer.
If Yes, then forceably forget this other woman and quietly, firmly demand your husband to step-up, stand, and deliver whatever you need to continue the marriage. Kindess, generosity, compassion - whatever it is - demand it. If you do not get it, divorce him. Stop accomodating.

BTW cleaning your house is great therapy.

Recommended book After the Affair by Janis Spring, PhD whose work is solely counseling couples dealing with infidelity.

[Sweet Love]

I'm sorry to hear what happened in your marriage, the coming back together parts seems forced to me. You carry around emotional scars from the past and your husband is only human and prolly just went to this other woman for some sort of filling for him for the void in your marriage. I can understand him being mean coz mean comes from being unhappy. I just think life is all about mistakes, we'er suppose to make them, to learn from them and to be stronger from it. I think you need to move forward by hearing the other advices from the other posts, talking with your couselors and just making your life a better most fullfilled one you can make!!!!

[lilliesareforfun]

The coming together part was a bit forced & maybe premature...it wasn't so much for us as it was for our son who began to suffer from anxiety and depression.
In some respects the marriage is better now as we are talking about our struggles and I am definitely not keeping things in.
Th bad part is he still doesn't touch me or say any "terms of endearment" which hurts me terribly. I talk to my therapist about this. He tells me to be genuine with him and let him know how I am feeling and that I am hurting.
I am not in favor of divorce if there is hope than I will stick with my marriage and work at it, no matter what. Maybe I am a fool but I love my husband and believe in marriage being a lifetime commitment. I know it will take hard work and it will be extremely painful at times. My son is doing much better now that we are back together.
There is no place like hope...