Engagement - a good age?

[DruityLoops]

My boyfriend and i have been together for a year and living together for ten months. I guess i could say we have been through a few things. I was at his house when some guys broke into his house and beat him up and threatened to kill us, my mum remarried a really awful bloke who pretty much kicked me out of home, his parents nearly divorced etc etc. We are very close now. I work with him in the afternoons at his job so we spend a lot of time togther too.

anyhow, im gettin off topic here. for our anniversary we took a ten day holiday to his homeplace in New Zealand ( we live in australia) and i got aquainted with all his family and such.

while we were there he pretty much asked me to marry him. he said how much i mean to him and that ive made him happy ever since we met and that ive cared for him more then anyone his met and all that stuff.

my question is. what is a good age to get engaged, should a couple be together for a certain amount of time first?

and for the married couples: at what time did u feel that your relationship was at the level to go further the relationship to the marriage?

him and i both feel that gettin married is what we want to do. we have spent a lot of nights talking about it and we feel that we both want the same things out of marriage, we have the same values and beliefs and we both want out lives to go in similar directions.

i am 19 and he is 20. my parents were married young (my mother was 17, my father was 20) and so were his, (they were both 20) we have spoken to his parents about it somewhat and they are just saying to make sure we know what we are gettin into. ive tried talking to my mother and she just says im too young (which i dont understand)

sorry about the length but im just curious about how peopel know that gettin married/engaged was the right thing to do. cus i know that just wanting to get married isnt enough to make it work. some feedback would be great, thanks

[sera300]

If you are 19, I do not agree it's too early; however, you have to be ready. But you have to want the some things out of life, have had your fun, be ready to spend the remainder of your life together and if you want kids how to raise them. Do you get along very well, resolved issues together, values, priorities? What do you both want from you life at 40, 50, 60? Do you have a plan how to get there? There is plenty to consider and are you ready to be someones wife? Or is it better to be a gf? Have you seen him at his worst? Height of anger? Every emotion? DO you know his boundaries with each?
If you decide to do this, I would give it another year before you marry him or anyone--2 years together.

Also, be certain he is the man you want to marry b/c he is the one, not b/c he is your "only" one--you came out of home & moved in with him unexpectedly...in ways he helped you. Be certain you want him as your life long partner, not just b/c you are together right now.

[curious_woman]

Originally Posted by sera300

But you have to want the some things out of life, have had your fun, be ready to spend the remainder of your life together and if you want kids how to raise them. Do you get along very well, resolved issues together, values, priorities? What do you both want from you life at 40, 50, 60? Do you have a plan how to get there? There is plenty to consider and are you ready to be someones wife? Or is it better to be a gf? Have you seen him at his worst? Height of anger? Every emotion? DO you know his boundaries with each?

Lol by your definition I'm ready to get married. Luckily him and I want to wait a bit so as not to rush things. If we got married RIGHT NOW, our families would think it would be just so he could immigrate, not because we love each other. Besides, we know we're going to someday, its just a social symbol really doesn't make us any less or more committed to each other. At least in our opinions.

Sorry to hijack the thread, I think a good age is when you're mentally/emotionally ready. Generally at LEAST 18, but preferably after you have your life in order and know what you want. Some 18 y/o's have no clue about their lives, even some 25 y/o's, but then again you could meet a 15 y/o who had a hard life and understands. Its all perspective. For the legality and just general caution, I say 18 at the least. Besides, dunno about the US but a minor cannot even GET married under 18.

[sera300]

In the US it depends on the state the age required for marriage. If the state is 18, you can marry younger with parental consent or judicial consent. I believe in one state it's 16 and can be at 14 w/judicial consent--used to be Alabama. Scary!

Much depends on the maturity of both and their "lives" most are not ready. I see this huge shift to many waiting so long these days, I wonder how they will make it since they have not had an opportunity to grow together, rather had separate lives until the age of 36, then decide to marry, begin having kids at 40. Then you have to self-focused people trying to get along. I married at either 19 or 20...cannot remember anymore. I do think I was just going to turn 20. But I was ready, none of my friends were even close. Never regretted it, went to college & worked full time, he had his career & had graduated college, we built a house...my friends (and his) were still out partying. LOL!

The deciding factor is wanting to be married to the person, not needing to be married, and being comfortable with who you are as an individual. Knowing who you each are yet realizing you are 100% fulfilled and whole before marriage. When you do partner in a marriage you make a better team then as individuals. But you have to be real clear on all issues, no ambiguity, on child raising, finances, expectations, dreams, reality, and life goals for each ten years you are together. Do you share the same realistic goals for what you want at your life at 30, 40, 50, 60+. If you are not there, then wait.

[bruins76]

IMO, you're too young & there is no sense in rushing things. Getting married changes things on so many levels & even if you live w/ someone prior, it doesn't prepare you for that.

I say, stay w/ one another as is, have fun, travel, enjoy being a couple b/c once you are married, things are going to be at a totally different level. House, finances, kids, the whole nine, which complicates things.

As for a good age to get engaged & married, there is no good age. It's when you are prepared. You have a decent job, a good head on your shoulders, your self-sufficient. You have the ability to care for yourself, you don't need someone else to live, but then you get to a point that you want to share what you already have w/ someone else (who also has a good head on their shoulders). You don't want to be in school/college & trying to get a good job or a place to live & getting married. If you want to get engaged, there is nothing that says you have to marry immediately after getting engaged. People get engaged & stay that way (status) for years before tying the knot, nothing wrong w/ that.

Take your time, no rush. JMO

HIH & GL
~C

[DruityLoops]

thanks guys this has been really helpful.
neither of us want to get married for the wrong reasons or too soon because we've both seen too many divorced couples and broken families and we dont want to end up like that. he even has a cousin whose parents split up, the father got custody of the kids and the mother didnt like it so she arranged for him to be murdered. (but im pretty sure we wont end up like that though lol)

[bruins76]

I am all too familiar w/ mistakes & blended families. I am a product of a blended family. My son is from a previous relationship, my husband was married before & has a child w/ a psycho. Looking at the big picture, I realize that "IF" I could go back & change the hands of time, I would have finished school earlier, I would have never relocated for the jerk that fathered my first child & I would have had a completely different life.

I just have to add. I ended up getting married for the wrong reasons, not for what I could or should have. Now I look at my situation & I feel trapped. I am not married because I want to be or because I love him blah...blah... I am married for the wrong reasons & not only am I unhappy w/ him & us, but I am SOOOOO miserable w/ the exchange of his son (my step son), dealing w/ his ex-wife, dealing w/ my son's father & his wife. It's one big mess. You think custody is a heart ache...wait to you deal w/ child support. My husband who works like a mad man, takes home less money than me as an engineer/electrician than myself who is working less than part-time because of the law states he has to give almost more than half of his income to his ex-wife to compensate her butt who doesn't want to work.

Long story short. If you two truly love one another (and it sounds like you do), take time for you & him, grow w/ each other. Get that great apartment, travel, dabble your toes in a project. Look into real estate & then when it's all said & done, if you are truly suppose to be w/ one another, you will have accomplished so much & be able to look back on how you two were supportive & along for the long haul. Then when you are successful & happy as an individual, you can join in a union, be stronger & not have the regret of what you could have or would have done if you just stayed single longer & did what you wanted to do. KWIM?

I am not against marriage. I think it can work for the best of people. From watching not only myself & others I realize that 99% of the arguments not only stem from money (or lack there of), but it's based on regrets, or feeling like you haven't accomplished all that you wanted. The next thing you know, you're a mother or pregnant & you can't do those things because your children are now the priority. Then you feel "stuck"... and there's nothing you can do about it for the next 10+ years because as mother/parent you owe your child those years to "them". It's hard. I love my kids & wouldn't change them for anything but looking at my life & how it turned out, I would have done things differently. I hope this all makes sense. I am just sharing my personal experience in hopes that I can save another person from making the mistakes that I made.

Either way, only you can make such choices. Make them w/ patience & choose wisely.



~C

[aussiegal]

Hey i just have a small suggestion,you could always get enaged but have a long enagement, dont set a date for the wedding until your absolutely sure your ready, if its years then so be it, there's no rush. My aunty and uncle were enaged for nine years before they tied the knot.

I cant really offerer much advice, i dont ever want to get married, i've been with my man ten years this year,been living together pretty much since the get go. we are pretty much a married couple, we deal with everything that a married couple would. fianances ,house, kids etc.

Some people say that were not committed to one another because were not married but thats not true we are just as committed but just dont feel the need to get married.

As for the age thing, i dont know. I was 16 when my man and i got together he was lot older. we moved in together within weeks of starting to see each other. Only you know whats right for you, do what's best for you. follow your heart is my advice. but llike i said you coud always get enaged but not marry for few years.

Anyway best of luck for what ever you choose, take care .

[EvilEvilKitten]

I have been married to the same man for 29 years after dating/living with him for three years before marrying him. I will not divorce him. He will not divorce me. We both came into this with the understanding that this is IT; we'll be together until one of us damn well dies. And in spite of everything, as some of you know, we are not only happy but still in love with eachother.

That piece of paper means a WHOLE HELL of ALOT! Do not discount it. One consultation with an attorney, esp one who deals with taxation, will disabuse you of the idea that it doesn't mean much.

You have seen the results of your parents' marriages - due in part to marrying early, no doubt. The adage "marry in haste, repent at leisure" is a true one more often than not. Waiting is beneficial.

Do either of you have a life? An independent life that you have built for yourself? College? Career? Before you can ask someone to share your life, you have to HAVE a life. Not just a port in the storm or doubts about your future. He is to be your husband not your life vest.

The time to get married is AFTER you have built an independent life for yourself and find this one man - THIS man - over all others - who will joyously share it with you come hell, high water, or children. Yes, the committment HAS got to be that FIERCE and that UNRELENTING.

Because hell, high water, and children will surely come.

[DruityLoops]

i had a career and a life before i met my boyfriend, (as much of a life i could have at 18, with all of my school friends moving away to university)
we lived totally different lives before we met and after we got close we sort of 'dipped' into each others lives. he did stuff with me he didnt normally do and vice versa but we still have stuff we do ourselves. so i guess we have separate lives but we have a lot of things we always do together. does that make sense?