Has anyone seen my libido?

[Victoria]

I am 51 years old and on my 3rd husband. We are very happy together (nearly 10 years now) except for sex. I wish I could be more giving and sexual for him, but I’m not. (He says it’s ok, but I doubt it. I feel so bad for him!) I have absolutely no desire whatsoever. In fact, the thought of it is pretty much repulsive to me. (My doctors have no answers. Blood tests, hormone levels, all normal.) This isn’t like me when I was younger. I was a swinger with my first husband (of 9 years); I worked at a massage (sex) parlor (3 years) to support myself and keep my home when I divorced him (it was huge fun!); and I was engaged in a long-term serious relationship which was very deeply high-kink S&M and B&D. I suspect my subconscious now looks at “normal” sex as being plain or “vanilla” and boring. It is a chore to please my husband, but I force myself give him oral sex once a week as I don’t want him to feel deprived, etc. We snuggle, we cuddle... I just don't want anything else. I do love him but more like a best friend than a romantic lover. I have no lovers, and no interest in having any. I am bisexual, but monogamous with my husband. I am 100% faithful. The odd thing which occurs, though, is once or twice a month I will have dreams that flash me back to my S&M B&D days, and I will wake up so wet and excited and WANTING SOMETHING, but that “something” isn’t there, so I will masturbate and have an earthshaking orgasm within minutes, sometimes seconds (no exaggeration)! Then the feeling leaves as quickly as it had come. POOF. Gone. Now hubby is NOT the S&M B&D type. We have spoken about it, so I know. In fact, I think if he tried to engage in such sex games with me that I would either LAUGH or BARF. He is SO not like that, at all. Further, he knows everything there is to know about my past, and loves me with all his heart. So, where do I go from here? Am I “trapped” in what is a very warm and unselfish and loving relationship with no desire for sex? I worry more about taking care of him in that way, because I don't feel "deprived" at all... until those dreams come, and then it's easily taken care of. Any suggestions?

[dancingdoc2]

> I do love him but more like a best friend than a romantic lover.

I have some familiarity with this scenario. Because of type of love there are no "sparks" or pheromones and this may just be the key to the problem. There probably is no fix for how you feel about someone in such a situation.

> The odd thing which occurs, though, is once or twice a month I will have dreams that flash me back to my S&M B&D days, and I will wake up so wet and excited and WANTING SOMETHING, but that “something” isn’t there, so I will masturbate and have an earthshaking orgasm within minutes, sometimes seconds (no exaggeration)!

Is your husband a sound sleeper? I ask because the few times my wife has begun to masturbate at night, the bed shakes and I wake up and will sometimes take matters into my own hand.

What "something" are you expecting to be there? Regardless, he is, so why not speak to him about these dream episodes and ask him if he will participate in the finish with you if you awaken him? It might be worth a try.

[Victoria]

Thank you so kindly for your response. Some details are omitted in that he travels for business two/three weeks out of the four each month (more or less), home from Friday night through Monday morning, then gone again until Friday afternoon. If I have one of those dreams and he is in bed, I won’t even TRY to wake him as he is up working until 2 or 3, and I am an early-to-bed individual - asleep by 9, awake by 5. I am at work (law office) from 8 to 6, while he is home (or out of town).

As far as that “something” I tried to explain... well, it isn’t so much that I “expect” it to be there. Let’s see. The best way I can put it is as if you want Chinese food. You crave Chinese food. You MUST HAVE Chinese food. You’re planning on going for Chinese food. You’ve made reservations... you didn’t eat lunch because you’re going to enjoy a huge dinner... your tummy is growling... you drive an hour to your favorite restaurant... and... the doors are locked and a sign is posted saying “closed due to sudden illness.” *sigh* You’re standing there, disappointed and STARVING, but there is no Chinese food for miles. So, you shrug, you grab a burger, and you head home, disappointed. That burger kills the hunger, but that “appetite” is still there, burbling under the surface. :-) It’s kinda like that.

I don’t want him to be “the burger that disappoints.” He is SO much better than that. And I don’t want to disappoint HIM.

Under those circumstances, I’d rather “just get it done and overwith” in sixty seconds, remembering the depth/violence of the dream scenario. It takes the edge off, and I go on.

Any ideas how I can actually learn to ENJOY “vanilla?” <winks>

Thanks again for your input.

[Brandye]

Firstly, and perhaps irrelevant, Doc: I have on quite a few occasions successfully masturbated beside a sleeping companion. Some of us get there with moving little more than two fingers.

Now, Victoria, I have some thoughts but no easy solutions. In spite of your medical checkups, it is likely that you are approaching or entering menopause (so am I). There is some change in the hormone mix that your body is responding to even with everything within "normal" limits. Think of this as puberty in reverse. Very subtle changes can result in the libido shift you describe.

One of the advantages we women have is the ability to thoroughly enjoy sex without even getting close to orgasm. For you, this joy is, for now, gone. When it gets to the point that it is a chore, perhaps a visit or two with a sex therapist is in order. I am sure that a "simple" sex life lacks some of the spark of your past but a blowjob a week would be welcomed by many men. I find it interesting that you are still willing to satisfy him orally, while vaginal sex is the chore. I know other women who are willing to lie there and accept his thrusting who would not even think of taking their partners orally - even gag at the thought. Do keep in mind that handjobs can be made most interesting with a little creativity.

All this leads me to a slight change of hormones and psychological issues. Not serious issues and maybe not even requiring his helping you to sort them out. But someone experienced and understanding such as a female sex therapist could be quite helpful.

[Victoria]

Thank you kindly for your response... that may be a part of it... for the past two years, I get up to the sixth month of counting... no period... no period... no period... - oh boy - no period... no period... -yay - no period... DRAT!!! A period.

Begin again... one... :-) I have no hot flashes, no lack of lube. Just desire. My friends are jealous because they break out in cold sweats, etc. But then again, I never had a problem period either, no cramps, etc. The Goddess surely has blessed me.

I love your tag line: Don't Wear Cheap Bras.

Darling hubby took me on adventure into Manhattan to a place called the Towne Shop, where you put your name on a list wait for over an hour to be personally fitted for bras by an expert! All types, all sizes... and VOILA! INSTANT SHAPE! We walked out of there with six bras, for a total of over six hundred dollars. I nearly fainted! (Did I mention how much he loves me?!) Then dinner at an Indian restaurant, with a fountain, on a patio... *sigh*

He is SO sweet.

That man sat there in that shop, with lingeree and bras and underwear and bathing suits and PJs hanging all around him, a gaggle of women of all ages and shapes and sizes cackling like chickens... and all he could say was "Do you want me to hold your purse, dear?"

Oral once a week is the LEAST I can do for this gem. :-)

I remember my last visit with my gyno. He's great, as is his P.A. I keep asking, hoping they'll come up with SHE-agra or something, but no, not yet. I do make them laugh, though, asking about legal prescriptions for Ecstacy, etc. They tell me I'm a piece of work. ;-)

[Brandye]

You certainly made my point about bras. Fortunately in the UK we still have the old-fashioned corsettieres and I have all mine made. Six-hundred US sounds like a bargain!

I do not know what kind of doctors are licensed where you are. Homeopaths, naturopaths and herbalists (if you can find the legitimate ones) do prescribe some herbal concactions. As a traditional allopathic physician, I am not too taken by that stuff but I am also aware that some of it is appropriate at times. If you can find a homeopathic or naturopathic pharmacy, go talk to the pharmacist. We have many homeopathic physicians in Europe (mainly on the continent) and naturopaths, especially in Germany.

I understand that health care people are licensed by State in the States and I cannot help there. I have been known to refer patients to both homeopaths and naturopaths. Please do not tell my colleagues who, publicly at least, call them charlatans. Maybe even your "good-guy" gyn will be able to refer you.

In the meantime ask the P.A. for a recommendation to a sex therapist. It will be cheaper than your new bras! And do think about all the kinky handjobs you have done. I can turn one friend inside out that way.

[sera300]

Just from scanning your thread...I would go back to the gyn. Irregular, near absent periods, loss of libido may be enough for a good gyn to trial you on some hormones a mix of estrogen & testosterone which may or may not help. You may have had a normal level on the day you were tested but they do and can fluctuate.

Also there is a few clinical studies happening for some new meds which are supposed to address your issue. Ask your Gyn or ask them to contact the urologist about potential for participation.

And see a sex therapist as suggested...

[Victoria]

Thanks for all your feedback.

I have tried an herbal remedy (called maca tincture) that some swear by, but it didn't seem to help. I put it away, but I shall try again. After all, why the heck not?

I will ask my GYN about trials next visit.

In the meanwhile, hubby loves the new bras, and I love him, so all is right with the world, more or less. ;-)

I'll keep checking in.

[sera300]

Also Victoria...

I found the better Gyns are found at the major medical centers. Their experience & expertise; moreover, the opportunity to provide thorough testing and comprehensive pinpoint care is best often done there. Even if you use it as a chance to obtain a second and independent opinion, it's worthwhile. If you feel there is something not right with your body, chances are you are correct but having to find out if it's physiological or psychological is what they do best.

[EvilEvilKitten]

It may well be menopause, which I too am going through, but thus far it has not affected my libido one bit - still rampant, thank you, in which case, HRT might be just the thing to help.

Or it could be unresolved issues from the past haunting you. Or issues re, menopause in "getting older", 'less of a woman" and those related issues. In which case a sex therapist is the one to see.

Or you two could just need to explore the finer points of boring old vanilla sex - which is not all that boring if done well. Now about those orgasms, have you pinpointed what exactly is it in those masturbatory fantasies of yours that sets you off? I do not how far along the BDSM path you went so can only conjecture that perhaps you went a bit too far and now REQUIRE "that' to orgasm whatever your particular "that" might be. I have an idea but I'm not going to say. I'll leave that to you. If THIS is the case, you may have to re-learn an appreciation of subtlety and of nuance. when you are with your husband, try fantasizing - use it to help you along the path of arousal then permit him to exhibit his skills and relax, let the feelings run, and let the orgasm happen. No need to tell him about the fantasy running in your head.

Hope this helps!