Things are headed south...

[blue-eyez]

Ok, this is my first post on this account. I had another account a few years ago, but I can't remember what my username was. Sooo..anyways.. moving on.

I am 24 years old, and have been with my boyfriend, 31, for what will be 6 years next month. We have lived together for 5 years.

For the first year, everything was great sexually. We did it regularly, and it was passionate...there was everything from the long drawn out sessions to quickies and all that in between...sometimes 2 or 3 times per day. Year two was also pretty good, except the 2/3 times per day thing became pretty rare. Since then, its dwindled down to once, maybe twice a week if I'm lucky.

It is very frustrating to me because I have a high sex drive. Ideally, I could go for it almost every day ( ), but realistically I could settle for less. But its not just the quantity..the quality is not so good. It's always a quickie now and all about him....never any foreplay. It lasts maybe 5 to 10 minutes nowadays. Nothing exciting. And he always makes the first move. He never kisses anymore during sex either, which I really enjoy...it adds to the closeness. So now it just feels distant........ and I am feeling like he doesn't care.

I understand he's a little older than me, so maybe he's not as raring to go as he would have been at my age. And I suppose I could deal with the once a week far better if he actually showed some kind of passion or caring or enthusiasm. I used to make an effort to make the first move. I don't even bother that often anymore because he's rejected me enough.. That really hurts.

I have brought up the issue with him before. He said it is because he is afraid of getting me pregnant. He seems fixated on this far too much and I don't really understand it. We don't use condoms anymore, we gave that up a loooong time ago. Neither of us really enjoys them. I won't use birth control, and he was always cool with that and has never asked me to or anything. So basically...every time he pulls out....... which is a total mood killer, IMO. I love it when he goes inside me and finishes that way...that's how it is supposed to be, and it is so much sexier. He would even agree, but he is too afraid to do it very often. ARgh. Will he ever get over this? Do all guys worry themselves to death over it?

When we got together... early on we talked about future things. He said he wanted to get married and have 10 kids (I said I wanted kids too but ten is a bit much!). He begged me to marry him twice, but that was when he was drunk...and well, I suppose he forgot and I didn't take it all that serious because he was so drink. Another couple times he told me he wanted to make a baby. But then he'd go back to his freak out mode about getting me knocked up, and how we're not financially ready.

I don't know what to do. I am not happy with the way things are, but I do really love him so much. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want my life to carry on this way. I deserve a better sex life, and I honestly would like to do the whole settling down thing and having kids. I'm afraid to even mention it anymore because it always comes back to a money issue... he's like "I would.... but we don't have the money." SInce when has that stopped people from getting married or having kids? And, if what he says is true... is the whole baby thing that's ruining our sex

He's not the first guy I was with sexually. I was with a couple others before him, but they were just one time things.... he's the first that I've been with more than once. He is nice and sweet, and cares about me...but nowadays, when it comes to intimacy, he's just not there.

Ugh. Sorry for the long-winded post. I just don't know what to do. I need some guidance and advice. How do I bring these things up to him again? And how do I get him to chill out and not worry so much about everything? We're far from being poor, and both have decent jobs.....but money seems to be something he worries about..

[HardNgood]

the two of you have to sit down 'heart to heart" or with a couples counselor and figure out if you BOTH are on the same page about having children...you are 100% correct when you feel his sex drive has diminished due to him "not wanting" to get you pregnant...just the thought of pregnancy is a SEX MOOD/SEX PERFORMANCE KILLER for a lot of "guys"....

[sera300]

If it's just a pregnancy issue perhaps. What's wrong with you using a cervical cap or diaphragm?

Sounds as if the relationship has cooled down; you are not getting married why? He has commitment phobia!

[HardNgood]

If a guy has NO intent of having kids, you cannot even fathom the terror he has when it comes down to having/performing sex...it is a NIGHTMARE..if both are not on the same page,,that is why a counsellor would be most appropriate for this couple...there is a huge underlying factor here!...I'm just sayin' that if you are not fertile...contact me...I can make myself available at a very "low" fee!!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop!!
Yeah, yeah you love him and all but he's being STUPID and you are being a WIMP.

Now then, get on birth control, period. Take responsibility and control over your own body.

Next move out. Yes, I know - but he's got everything he wants and you're not getting anything you want - so it is time for him to be alone. He has to step-up. This time, it is marriage, and right now, or get lost, buddy! Do not move back in with him until AFTER the wedding.

This all may sound very harsh but think of it as being up-front about what you want and what you want your life to be. Apparently your fellow needs a bit of tough love to see clearly. But if he waits much longer to have kids, he's never going to be able to stop working -never.

You've spent 6 years on this man - it is about damn time he got on with it!

[Brandye]

Of 100 women having regular, unprotected sex, about 85 will get pregnant in a year. Withdrawal is pulling at the very moment each of you should want to push. Talk about a mood killer. Anyone who dislikes condoms but will with draw (or push out) in preference is settling for half a loaf or less.

Sounds to me like you two have more serious issues than not screwing enough.

[Knight]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

[...]
Next move out. Yes, I know - but he's got everything he wants and you're not getting anything you want - so it is time for him to be alone. He has to step-up. This time, it is marriage, and right now, or get lost, buddy! Do not move back in with him until AFTER the wedding.
[...]
You've spent 6 years on this man - it is about damn time he got on with it!

What would marriage change? How would it solve any of their problems?

To the OP, unless I misunderstood, when you brought up the lack of intimacy he responded by saying that he is afraid of getting you pregnant? That doesn't make any sense, your still having sex anyways (without protection). The only thing that will get you pregnant is that unreliable withdrawal birth control method (dare I even call it that). You need to better communicate your needs to him, heck, even refuse him if he still doesn't see the point. You can also re-show him what you like, not all your pleasure has to come from the intercourse itself. Besides, foreplay, fingering and oral sex won't get you pregnant if he (or you) is truly that concerned.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The point being that he's hanging back and waiting for what - the tooth fairy to come along and fix things??

Get on with it or get out!

Life is far too short as it is. The man's 31 for heaven's sake!

[bruins76]

I can see what you mean, quality...not quantity. It makes a difference.

Perhaps talking about forms of birth control (pills, IUD, shot, ring..etc.) would be your first thing, then take it from there. You'd be surprised how he might be less inhibited about being intimate w/ you if he was less worried about getting you pregnant. Sounds like a no-brainer to me. If you think that he's worried about getting you pregnant, I can see why he doesn't want to have sex w/ you, he knows that if he has sex w/ you, he has to pull out (and pray) or go in you which means might get you pregnant. He is obviously not ready for that & doesn't want it right now. He is thinking about long-term, doesn't want to get himself into something (being a dad) that he's not ready for, that's a good thing. Too many men (and woman) don't think that way, then they bring a child into the mix that they're not prepared for. A child is forever & too many people look at having kids as fun & not serious as they should be. Children don't have a say in being born, so it's up to the parent(s) to make that decision & he's making a good one if he's not ready for a child right now.

Being less interested in sex, well...it does happen in many relationships/marriages b/c after time that's how things happen, if you let them (life, kids, marriage)...but you guys don't have the marriage or kids so I don't get how much can be stressing you out to be too tired not to have sex. Maybe try to spice things up, get some lingerie or something new to try, take a vacation, all sort of different things you can do to spice up a sexual relationship.

[browneyedgirl]

He has very good reason to worry about getting you pregnant!!! Get on birth control or use condoms. Why won't you go on birth control? You know that this is why he doesn't feel like having sex, and then you wonder why? I wouldn't be having sex with you either. I definitely wouldn't be able to enjoy sex if I knew that every time I was gambling with having an 18-years-to-life commitment - a baby! Be responsible here, and get onto birth control or use condoms. Otherwise, be prepared not to have sex, not to mention that you should be saving up for the baby that you are bound to become pregnant with any day now.