How do you break someones heart the 1st time?

[CoyotePrince]

How do you break someones heart the 1st time? I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, it was never the relationship that made my heart beat when she was near. I've known that kind, but those were always like that of a shooting star, short lived but takes your breath away. This was never like that. It's comfortable in the way of an old pair of shoes feel, and just can't throw away. I feel guilty for describing my relationship as a pair of old shoes, but somehow it fits. For her, i'm her 1st "real" boyfriend and love. She's 2 years younger, and has lived in a small town most of her life. She never really experienced dating and such. I have been her opposite in this and many other ways. She has many attributes that many would find appealing. Now though, they just irk me. I won't go on to bash her, but I will say that she tries to treat me like I'm a lost puppy or the like.
The only reason I stayed...Let me rephase that, the only REASONS I stayed, is fear, loneliness, and the desire to stop being a weekend boyfriend to other women. Now I feel trapped in what is to me a loveless relationship. Our families are close, and I'll be going to college with her brother, her brother and me will be even be in the same classes, not to mention she's going to the same college but for different goals.
All in all its a complicated web i've woven Now I'd like to say that i've never broken someones heart, at least...Not in a long term relationship, which is what this is to me. The worst part is I know how I'll feel after I do this. It may not have been the love I'd wanted or hoped for but over time it has become love, just not the kind where you look over in the morning and feel love for the person beside you. Before her, I was just a weekend boyfriend, meaning I dated women, had fun, sex and wild times. Although I was feeling the urge to have a meaningful partnership and out of all the women I was seeing she was the only one wanting more out of it as well. I feel I settled, and she is still in love with me.
I'm incredibly confused and terrified of hurting her the 1st time. You never forget your 1st love, I know I never have, and the pain from that time still lingers beneath my heart(even though its been close to 7 years). So...Anyone have any advise, options or ideas of how to......let her down gently?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry but there is NO easy way to do it. You have to talk to her one-on-one and endure the subsequent consequences.

[dancingdoc2]

Yup! I agree.

I just finished posting a reply to another thread about dating and what it should be all about. Please read this.

From your description of events it sounds like the two of you might be able to maintain a good friendship, only time and interest will tell. That said, begin the dating process, again, following the suggestions outlined in the other reply.

There is probably no way to keep from hurting someone when a relationship is not working and one or the other person recognizes this and desires to move on. It is not unusual for one of the parties to have more invested than the other and for them it can be a much bigger let down. These are facts of and part of dating. Your talk should be as cordial as possible, and as truthful and positive as possible.

> the only REASONS I stayed, is fear, loneliness, and the desire to stop being a weekend boyfriend to other women.

All of us can be lonely at times. It is what we choose to do about it that matters. You have to like yourself and have friends with whom you can interact and do things with, be they guys and/or gals. If you do not have m/any inside or outside interests or hobbies then you should begin developing one or more.

Dating more than one person, non-exclusively, gives you the opportunity to sample a variety of personalities and to participate in a variety of different activities that you might not otherwise do. So, for a while at least, if this means being a weekend boyfriend, then know that you are not the only one in this situation.

[Engage!]

Just because you don't have that "love" feeling doesn't mean that you don't love her. Comparing a good relationship to an old shoe is fairly accurate, because she fits you very well. If I were you, I wouldn't abandon the relationship, at least not yet. It sounds alot like she's your best friend, but not someone you would really think that you're in love with. It took me a long time to realize that my best friend was perfect for me. I had a hard time realizing that I loved her because the "love feeling" wasn't that evident. But in spite of that uncertainty, we're now married.

Give your gf a chance, and maybe you'll find that you really love her and that you two can still get along. Try to improve the situation, because the worst thing in the world is a stagnant relationship. As for the things about her that irk you - nobody's perfect. I'm not sure what you mean by "lost puppy." Through time, you can deal with the attitude.

Even though you may want to leave her now, you obviously care enough about her that you don't want her to suffer. Isn't that an indicator that the love isn't dead? Give it a chance. If it doesn't work out, you can always separate later on when you have a more definite conflict, but right now it looks like you've just hit a bump in the road.

[sera300]

Be kind and be polite but cut all strings and move on. Above all be honest (skip the part about the old shoe).

[Ducy]

I must say...you are between a rock and a hard place...but i think engage puts it best. Dont give up just yet. it sounds like you still have a good deal of feelings for her. try to work it out and see why your relationship is so...well stale. And for the lost puppy comment. I take it that you mean she treats you like a lost puppy. basically just does everything for you and just tries to nurture you and everything. this could be because you are her first love and she wants to hold onto you. it might not neccessarily be because she is naturally like that. just try talking to her and see what you can do about it. and if nothing helps...well...listen to doc.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The only reason he's with her is to USE HER AS A TOOL TO KEEP HIM FROM FEELING LONELY - she deserves MORE than that! Dammit people! Why should she have to put up with that just to save his tender delicate feelings?

Cut the ties and move on!

[Orow]

Sometimes MY relationship with my husband feels the same. But he's my best friend above all else and I always have his best interest at heart.

That said, I would never be with him just to keep myself from being lonely. I think it's rude and crude and selfish to keep people you were supposed to love (or at least have loved once) as a pet, until something better and irresistable comes by. She deserves to know the truth so she can make the best possible decisions about her life; but that's kinda hard when kept in the dark.

Meet up with her and tell her face to face that you don't love her anymore. A lot can happen in 2.5 years and sometimes the fire just burns out.

Don't be cruel to her, be polite and honest, but remember that sometimes the truth is easier to bear if it's wrapped up nicely.

She doesn't deserve to be someones "plan B" to rely on when there's nothing better around. Have a little respect for her and do the right thing.

[Orow]

Oh, and by the way:

Be honest and straight-out. Talk with her about it and answer her questions if she has some, remember to be honest and nice, not cruel.

Decide on beforehand what YOU could accept would happen afterwards between the two of you: Could you just be friends with her?
Don't tell her you can be her friend if you can't. But perhaps then you could accept being in touch with her in the beginning, so if any questions appear AFTER the breaking, she can get them answered properly anyway.

If you decide that a friendship would be good, ask her if she would be interested in that and don't get mad if she's not. Some people instinctively prefer a "clean cut".

Remember to keep the formal distance as friends, otherwise you will make it too easy for her to still love you and not move on.

I won't tell you that you can't date just after the break up, but if you decide to do so, be very discreet. It will be like salt in her wound to see you with other girls just after the breaking; that said of course you can do whatever you want when you're free of your obligations to her, it's just more considerate and gentle to go quiet at first.

Be a gentleman.

[michelle2004]

I just recently had my heartbroken for the first time...he did it over the phone on new years eve....it was the worst.

First one you HAVE to tell her in person.
You HAVE to letting her cry, ask questions, and get mad at you.
If you dont you are not worried about her feelings but sparing your own guilt.
Tell her the truth....say how wonderful she is, but something just doesn't feel right between the two of you and its not something either one of you did, its just something that happens.
Tell her all the qualities you adore about her, and that she is perfect for someone else, but not you, because something just doesn't click.
Let her be mad at you, let her call you and yell, or call you and just talk, but don't give in to sleeping with her or getting together....she will need time to hate you, let her.
But dont ignore her after either....and take time before you get with someone else, because if you do it too soon she will think you cheated all along.
Show her that losing her isn't easy.

These are things I wish my ex would have done....


quick edit:

"Having an ex say, We can still be friends, is like having your dog die and your mom saying, You can still keep it."