Disastrous sexlife - Marriage sex questions

[underpressure]

I'm sitting up by myself feeling sorry for myself and need to ask the sex-gurus a question or 2.

Here is my situation...been married 7+ years, have 2 kids... and we are on the outside the couple everyone compares themselves too...BUT..

Our sexlife seems to be a disaster!

- my wife used to be very sexual, she was always the one initiating, I never had to b/c shed did 3-4 times a week.

- we have different wants/needs in bed.
-- she feels closer and more loved by having straight intercourse...I like playing around a bit..massage, touching, oral etc
-- she only wants to do that stuff when she is "in the mood", which is about once or twice a month.

- we started using toys "for her" about 2 years ago hoping that it would spice things up a bit but it seemed to make no difference other than we use them when we have "full blown sex"

- I am interested in different things than she is. I like to experiment with anal sex, blowjobs, public sex, etc but she doesn't want to do anyting that doesn't "do it for her"
--- don't get me wrong...I am Try-sexual...to quote sex and the city. I will try anything sexual. In fact I would do anything she wanted even if I don't like it...b/c it makes her happy.



Is it wrong of me to expect that she should do the things that make me happy...if I'm willling to do the things to make her happy???
Or am I just being selfish about her selfishness in bed?

TIA

[Brandye]

The life in bed is usually reflective of the marriage. You two need to see a marriage counselor and sort out how your priorities, individual and family, have changed over the seven years.

The "seven year itch" is real and purposeful intervention leads to better resolution than allowing things to go wherever they go. That is often apart.

[bruins76]

ITA w/ the above poster. When a woman isn't into sex as she once was, there is an emotional reason behind it. Woman need to feel connected w/ a man to have sex, not just be "horny"... so something is up, she isn't feeling right. Counseling or talking is best.

GL

[underpressure]

I'm going to look into counselling. The closest counsellor is 2 hours away...anyone know of any online type of counsellor that works?

I think you two may be right on the root of the problem.

I am out of ideas "sexually" to try get her interested in me.

And anytime I am horny or try do anything sexually to interest her she becomes even more distant and even less interested.

[underpressure]

P.S. I love my wife... I know I've kind of been bashing her a bit in this thread but I wanted to make it clear that I do lovemy wife

I'm just frustrated and looking for a way to improve the one thing that is the biggest source of frustration in both our lives.

[dancingdoc2]

Counseling is not like taking a college course on line. It is one-on-one or two-on-one up close and personal with a professional; neither is it like text messaging. Bite the bullet, contact a counselor who makes this matter his/her specialty and go from there. It may be the person will want to see both of you initially, and then each of you individually depending upon what is discussed.

> - we have different wants/needs in bed.
-- she feels closer and more loved by having straight intercourse...I like playing around a bit..massage, touching, oral etc
-- she only wants to do that stuff when she is "in the mood", which is about once or twice a month.

Taken literally, this in and of itself is not necessarily bad. Have you had a discussion about your different needs with her? A marriage, including the love making part, is partially about compromise. If all else is going OK, then this may just be the compromise. Regardless, I agree with Brandye.

How long do your love making sessions generally last when there is just straight sex and no playing around a bit?

[EvilEvilKitten]

You could stop focusing upon specific sexual acts and look at her, the whole woman, instead. Who has she become? With two children in the house, she may feel uncomfortable having sex. She may fear having more children. She may think sex is ONLY for having children. She may just be too stressed out for words. Only you would know.

Effective communication is the key here. No one is to blame and I bet she misses her past sex life as much as you do but feels shy about discussing it. Stop pushing her for sex - just gently insist upon discussion because a poor sex life is corrosive to the soul. If you two cannot do this on your own, then seek counseling.