Feeling used - how to go about telling him...?

[spider123]

In a relationship I think sex is a very important part of it. I have a very high sex drive and would love to do it like twice a day! My partner however, can go a week without anything. When we do have sex, he pulls his trousers down, pushes my head down there, then we have sex... All in all lasting about 10 minutes, with sex only being about 4-5 minutes. So at the end I am still very frustrated, knowing I could have to wait anything up to a week to get it again! He makes no effort, to kiss and cuddle, or any foreplay for me which at the moment is understandable as I am having a freak period but has been really light to nothing atall the last 5-6 days. I havent had any foreplay in about 5 weeks and when sex is lasting like 5 minutes at the moment I am SO frustrated.
I have told him again and again, dont be so blunt about the whole idea of just, 'here you go suck this now bend over' it would be nice to be watching TV and him just start kissing and stuff. I do try to do it to him but he doesnt seem interested or he will make a joke out of it as in 'ooo someones horny, someone thinks they are getting it tonight...'

The last time he pulled his boxers down and went to push my head down and I looked at him as in 'is that it?' and he said, 'kiss me first if you want' and I thought oh how nice. If I WANT to! Its like he isnt interested in anything meaningful anymore, aslong as he gets what he wants its ok. I wish I could pull my trousers down and push him down there then pull him back up when I am ready for sex and it last aslong as I wanted!

I like quickies, but not every time! I think the last time we had 'meaningful' sex must of been atleast 3 months ago. I dont like the feeling of being used to get him off and Im left frustrated and still horny.
How can I bring this up to him without hurting his feelings?
Thanks for any advice.


Just wanted to add that I cant 'get myself off' as that doesnt get rid of the frustration, to get rid of it I need sex with him for longer than 5 minutes.

[Brandye]

Have a long discussion; give him a copy of this post; make a decision. This is not going to improve.

[demonbuttercup]

Do you orgasm during sex??
I mean if you aren't able to get yourself off...then how does he do it in 4 min w/ no foreplay or anything?
If my guy did that to me... even touched my head... psshhhttt... whatever!!!

I would say you should learn how to get yourself off... I mean you can't ALWAYS depend on someone else for your needs.

And why do you care if you hurt his feelings?? apparently he doesn't care about yours or he wouldn't treat you like he does. Like Brandye said, just tell him like it is. That how he treats you is disrepectful and that you deserve a lot more than his little "offering".. you shouldn't have to beg for his 5 min!

[sera300]

Find a real man who is into a meaningful relationship. You are settling for some real garbage.

[Yariome]

God why can't I find a woman like you lol... Mind me I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but if she had the sex drive of you, i'd die without a single regret. I hate guys like that, gives guys like me a bad name, I want sex once/twice day and to last at least 30 min, if it's less it's usually not as enjoyable. Fore-play 15 min, **** 15 min, and i'm the happiest man in the world.

[dancingdoc2]

As a mentor of sorts, your story is frustrating for me, also.

What is it with guys? To shed light on the question, what do you think is going on in your guy's head?

A) He is truly clueless in the ways of Eros with regard to the fairer gender--
believing that they can be ripe and ready for sex just like he can, e.g. in
a matter of moments.

B) He is all about getting his rocks off and doesn't care whether you
get anything out of the experience or not, or, doesn't know enough
to check.

You are not alone in your complaint and frustrations. His behavior and apparent attitude are not uncommon among guys who have never had much in the way of Sex Ed.; or, even if they had, they are so macho and egotistical as not to care about anybody or anything but themselves.

What is your take on where he is positioned on the scale of things mentioned so far?

I agree that the two of you must sit down and have a discussion on the matter. If he shows no sign of caring or changing or becoming enlightened, then dump him for as Brandye stated, nothing will change.

When you have your chat, you might consider informing him that women are aroused much differently than men--something he might not be aware of. If not, go on to explain that as a woman you require lots of making out before ever getting to the foreplay, sometimes beginning hours before actually getting down to it. This means by giving you hints, cards, love notes, or making certain plans for later that he suggests.

If he is interested in becoming a caring compassionate skilled knowledgeable lover, then I recommend that he (and you) read most of the Sticky Posts listed in this Index. They are short courses in the ways of Eros which is a polite way of saying sex education. Brandye and I have given some excellent insightful information and there is something(s) for everyone.

One Stop Shopping--BEGIN HERE--w/a Partial INDEX of Sex Info 101 Sex Ed. Topics

It's possible that his ego will keep him from seeking any more information as he tells himself and indicates by his word or actions that he knows enough; however, nobody knows enough or knows it all, and the reason for this Board and its forums is to expand awareness and knowledge. So too are many of the books, magazines, and newspapers, published every year, or TV magazine shows, etc., et cetera, etc. So please do not accept this bull if he pulls it on you.

> Just wanted to add that I cant 'get myself off' as that doesnt get rid of the frustration, to get rid of it I need sex with him for longer than 5 minutes.

Please clarify. Have you learned to achieve orgasms via masturbation, or, have you not yet crossed that bridge?

If not, then you need to begin your quest for satisfaction by reading the Sticky Post on why he cannot make you orgasm.

You've got your work cut out for you before you decide to pull the plug. If he is any kind of caring partner, he will step up and join you in improving your love life, and ultimately, your relationship.

[spider123]

I dont find masterbating on my own all that enjoyable to be honest, yes it feels nice and can get rid of SOME frustration, but I would like to be able to get rid of that with my partner and not rely on my hand. I get so much pleasure from just kissing and foreplay.
When its just a blowjob for him then 5 minutes of sex I think 'well wow that went really well... when am I going to get anything...?' Yes the sex is very enjoyable for the 5 minutes and giving him oral is a turn on for me too but I would be so much more pleasured with a kissing and teasing eachother for a while then maybe move on to foreplay for a while then into sex for atleast 15 minutes.
I should add that we have a 4month old son together, but it isnt like we dont have time to do this, he is the sleepiest most relaxed baby I have ever known. He sleeps all night so we dont have sleepless nights. He is in bed at about 9ish most nights then we dont go to bed til about 10.30ish.
My partner was also only interested in quickies in the last 3-4 months of pregnancy too so Im wondering if its just become a habit for him..?

And no, I dont want to hurt his feelings, I love him. He isnt doing this to hurt my feelings I just dont think he realises.


Maybe I could try just starting off kissing etc then tell him what to do? During sex I do say 'dont cum' because its too soon but he cant help himself and has too. He used to be able to stop then I would get oral or something while he 'cooled' down a little then we would carry on but it doesnt happen anymore.
I love having sex with him as I love the feeling of being so close to him and feeling wanted... but at the moment all Im feeling is being 'used' if that makes sense.
Thanks for your replies.

[FAngel]

Wow, I have the exact opposite problem then you do. My wife would litterly love to only have sex once a month for 5 minutes. I've always loved sex, and would do anything to make her orgasam, but it's gotton so bad lately, that I'm literally given a 5 minute limit, and the latest is one now we can only have sex on weekends. i love my wife, I really do, but I cant seem to do anything to please her. I try talking to her, but it dosent seem to make any difference.
Anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

[sera300]

Originally Posted by FAngel

Wow, I have the exact opposite problem then you do. My wife would litterly love to only have sex once a month for 5 minutes. I've always loved sex, and would do anything to make her orgasam, but it's gotton so bad lately, that I'm literally given a 5 minute limit, and the latest is one now we can only have sex on weekends. i love my wife, I really do, but I cant seem to do anything to please her. I try talking to her, but it dosent seem to make any difference.
Anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

You need therapy as a couple. She is controlling you with this absurd behavior. 5 minutes? What does she expect miracles? Seek counseling for control issues.

[learning]

Spider123....you have to talk to him. Yes, the quickies in the last few months of pregnancy may have gotten him into a habit BUT it is a bad one.

He needs to know your feelings before they turn into resentment (you may not believe this can happen now, but with time and continuous treatment as per the present, it s bound to happen). A relationship is "

an emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual relations"

and the one you are currently in (or at least the state of your relationship at current) does not comply with this!

Further more a relationship is defined as

the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other, especially as regards how they behave and feel towards each other and communicate or cooperate

which is what in general the posters are recommending.

Talk to him, you need to explain your frustrations, desires, needs and concerns.....communication is difficult (In my relationship it is very difficult at times) but when something like this raises its head it is best advised to get it out in the open and rectified.

Good luck!