getting frustrated

[Kasei]

ok i'm 21 going to be 22 next month and i have been married for just over a year to my husband who is 26. ok so here is the problem. he seems uninteresed in sex at all and when i confront him about it he claims he is interested in sex and me. but the other night i went to him and told him i wanted him and tried to get him to come to the bed with me, pretty sure it was pretty obvious what i wanted, and he said no im busy and immediatly proceeds to go reorganize the dvd collection... no i couldnt help but get upset about being refused to reorganize some dvds which dont really need to be reorganized. and just last night i got to have sex with him but what happens he barely does any foreplay and goes in and comes within 2 minutes, not much fun at all in my opinion. then i ask if we can still play he says its to wet there... now my sex drive hasnt been too high since we had our daughter a year ago so this hasnt bothered me much or i havent noticed it really, but recently my sex drive has been very high i'm not sure why but it is. and i want good sex not 2mins of him having enough fun for himself... and i have no problems about doing oral on him, but when i ask for it his response is "aww... do i have to?" this isnt right and i know it... and im getting very frustrated lately and my mind has been turning toward other guys lately wondering what that would be like... i know cheating would be bad but everyday like this is upsetting my needs dont seem to be being met... and its not just sex... he doesnt sit near me really, doesnt hold me, barely talks to me, and sometimes even treats me like a child. im not really sure what to do here...

[demonbuttercup]

Well I mean has he always been like this?
Or is it something that has just started happening since you were married or had the baby?
Your marriage and baby are approx the same age... soooo .... does one lend to the other?? Did you get married just b/c of a baby? or did you really want to get married??

Maybe he's having issues w/ lasting long so he is just embarrassed or reluctant to do anything?!?

[Kasei]

its been since the marriage i believe... cuz while i was pregnant he seemed to want it all the time

and i we planned on marrying before the baby happened we were engaged the baby just came sooner i guess

[EvilEvilKitten]

He is having seond thoughts, he is having fatherhood issues, but most of all he is NOT COMMUNICATING. He's fending you off with weasel words and is not "stepping-up" as a MAN should.

Time for you to "lose your temper".

Nail him with a look, stand up straight, and sternly ask "How do you expect to make this marriage work if you continue to push me away?". Then move on to "I feel..." statements, such as "I feel angry and hurt when all we have is a 2 minute get his rocks off bit of sex." "I feel unloved and unwanted when you are reluctant to physically love me."

Lay it all out and see what he says.
If he runs or continues with the weaseling out, then it is time for him to go home to mother for a break.
The message is "I love you but you're not ready yet. Come back when you are."

[FelixLovesKitty]

Well said, EvilEvilKitten.

Instead of yelling at him, though, you might consider calmly saying the same things. Sometimes that works better.

I'm thinking since you said your sex drive went away for awhile, he may also have residual hurt over that...as in, "Well, if she doesn't want me, then I won't want her." He may have been so hurt that he is just lashing out; and he may not even realize it. Talk to him. Share with him that you want him, that you want the sex life you shared before to return, that you're sorry your sex drive left but that is part of having a baby, and that it's normal for that to happen for a little while. Not saying this to be mean, but remember, it takes two to tango. Just work with each other, give each other some breaks 'til the magic (and trust) returns.

He may just need the ice chipped away from his heart. I have been there, trust me, this is possible.

If none of that works, seek couples counseling.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Did I ever say yelling? No, I did not. One can lose one's temper, figuratively speaking, and not yell. Just stand up straight, nail him with The Look and exude waves of anger and then state your case in a stern voice. There's no need to yell.

Plus, she HAS been talking to him or trying to get him to talk for some time. He is not responding. She now has to do something different.

[FelixLovesKitty]

You're right, you didn't say "yelling" but "lose one's temper" and the general tone of that post seemed to me to be pretty aggressive, and to me it certainly implies yelling. As I said, I like what you said. But in a calm discussion.

To further clarify, my approach is "more bees with honey"...that is, she may get better results by being assertive vs. aggressive. That doesn't mean being weak or groveling, and it also doesn't mean losing one's temper. It just means calmly discussing the facts so that he understands them and can respond to her in kind...from a place of love instead of defensiveness.

I've had enough arguments about sex with my mate to know what works best for ME, and the assertive one seems to get the best results. This is also the approach I've often read that works best. YMMV. And then if that doesn't work, I'd suggest couples counseling. Which seems to be her logical next step. Perhaps after losing her temper! (But not yelling.)

It's all good. We're all just trying to help.

[EvilEvilKitten]

But she has TRIED being all sweet already!
And there's nothing wrong with being aggressive.
Too may people run from confrontation not realizing that letting things ride only makes them worse.
Confrontation has its uses and can be positive.
The next time he refuses you, dear, do precisely what I suggested.

[FelixLovesKitty]

I think there can be a happy medium...I am not a fan AT ALL of "letting things ride." Ick. I hate that. Confrontation is GOOD, I totally agree. Again, I think we're on the same page here. Talk to your man...sit down, stand up, be assertive, or be aggressive...whatever works for YOU BOTH b/w the two approaches we've suggested...no matter what, do SOMETHING to find out what the hell is going on...and if he isn't willing to BE FRANK AND HONEST, then get counseling. Good luck and I hope you get it worked out.

[Lovemonkey]

I can tell you, the second you get very aggressive, or forcefull, he will shut off. and just go into his own world. If you start the talk smoothly, and with respect you will get much farther. Is he gone for long period of times where you are not sure where he is? I had a friend that was married, he suddenly lost his sex drive. Well it appeared that way in the relationship. but what actualy was happening is, he was getting his oats in another field.

Not saying that this is definatly happening. but you need to take a look at all aspects. It is unusual for a man with a high sex drive, to suddenly not have it anymore.