My Clingy Wife

[Engage!]

So I've been married to her for five days, and she's been good as gold. There's only one persistent problem - my wife is clingy. I'm glad she loves me and needs me, and I'd do anything to make her happy, but there's a limit to my ability to keep her with me at all times.

To begin with, she worries too much. She had bad dreams most of last night, so I spent several hours holding her and trying to get her to calm down and go back to sleep. It didn't work. I left for my job, but by mid morning I got a call from the desk guard at the office telling me that my wife was on her way to see me. Fortunately, with my latest promotion I am out of cubicle-land and I have a small office of my own. Cramped though it is, it's at least private. I talked to my wife, and found out that the reason she came to me was because she was lonely and tired, but couldn't go to sleep alone. I couldn't stop work just to entertain her, but I told her that she could stay as long as she was quiet. She was good as her word, and promptly fell asleep in the small couch on the side of my office. What else was I to do? My boss even came in to talk to me in the afternoon, and asked me what was going on. He doesn't mind my wife's presence, but some of my coworkers are wondering what's wrong with her. She's behaving more like a little girl than a grown woman of her age, but I don't know how to get her to stop. I don't dare say anything lest I hurt her feelings (one wrong word could crush her), and I can't bear to see her cry.

[sera300]

Engage, you have to get into some professional counseling that's what you can do for her, this is not something you can "fix". Imagine years of this clingy behavior how draining it will become especially when the baby comes and the fatigue & exhaustion sets in. Through going to therapy together the therapist can help her pinpoint issues and work separately with her.

Try to get her involved in some volunteer work to occupy her mind and to engage her mind on something other then you. Good luck

[demonbuttercup]

Yeah that would definetly get tiresome. It's one thing to be clingy at home, but when you have to coddle (sp?) her and her coming up to your job...that's another thing.
You are lucky you have an understanding boss, most wouldn't stand for that for too long! But his patience might wear out sooner than you think. If her clinginess interfers w/ your job... you might be looking for a new one.

What did you wife do before you guys moved in together? Did she still live w/ her parents? I mean was she as clingy w/ them? It's one thing to be nervous about living alone and being alone at home (since you said the neighborhood isn't the best) but she can't be under you 24/7.

You are correct in saying that she is behaving more like a girl than a woman... and especially since she is married and has a baby on the way, she has to grow up whether she wants to or not. You can't be the father to 2 "children".
I am not sure the correct way to approach the subject...but like Sera said, something has to be done before the baby gets here. Maybe just suggest going to couples counseling considering the fact that you guys had to marry "hurriedly" and the baby and all.... don't mention anything specific like that you want to discuss her being clingy w/ the therapist. All of that will come out once communication is opened up.

Have her parents ever mentioned any of this or have they noticed it??
Or does she only do this around you??

[Engage!]

She was anything but clingy with her parents, and they know nothing of this. She was never this way when I knew her in highschool, but now it's all different. In some ways, she's more of a girl now than she was seven years ago. She actually lived on her own once she graduated college, got a job (which she lost recently), and seemed fairly independent. Although she's still her daddy's little girl and always will be, she's never seemed too attached to her parents and prefers to keep her distance. She didn't tell them about being in love with me until the week before we married. She does, however, have trouble with interpersonal relationships, and she seems to be scared to death that she'll lose me. She doesn't realize that the golden band I now have on my finger means she's got me forever. Her dreams last night were that I got killed while working security. It could happen, but it's not likely. As for her protection at home, she has a gun and I've taught her how to use it. I've made sure to keep in the neighbors' good graces so that they'll look out for her, and she's made a couple of new friends recently.

Unfortunately, I think that if I suggested counseling of the professional type, she'd think that I suspect something's wrong, and it would hurt her. She is, however, open to talking with the preacher who married us, and it might bring some things out and give me time to work with her. He might also convince her to get counseling, and if the idea came from him rather than me, it would help.

I'm not sure if her parents have noticed her clinginess or not. My boss and coworkers have, and our neighbors have. It's hard not to see the expression on her face, and she never lets go of me. Sera is right. I can't take years of this, because I'm drained now as it is. I remember vividly the hours of not being able to sleep because one or two little siblings were crying and having to sometimes get up and help my mother in the middle of the night. Babies are an endless chore! And knowing my wife, I will end up doing alot of the child care. (And if you think she's going to breast-feed, guess again!)

This is a mess.

[demonbuttercup]

Oh dear
Yeah I forgot about your preacher friend...that would be a good place to start. Even if you kind of gave him a heads up.. and then just the next time you guys are together casually, or invite him over for dinner or something... I am sure some things could be discussed w/out being too "obvious".

I can kind of see her point in that she must feel VERY vulnerable finding out she's prego and wondering if she can handle it and knowing that she couldn't do it on her own.
But!! on the other hand... you have been proving yourself a million ways that you are committed to her and the baby. So she should just trust you and find comfort in that.

It sounds like she's changed a lot in the past several years... and I wonder what made her change from that independant, self sufficient adult to a needy girl?!?
We all like to feel that we are needed, but only to a point...otherwise it's overkill and like you said, very draining.. both physically and mentally.

I can imagine that you might get stuck doing the nightly baby duties since she'll be w/ the baby all day... but from what I've seen of babies (don't have one myself) but they tend to sleep most of the day... and have more trouble at night! You should do your fair share, but if you are working, you need your sleep as well. If you are passing out at work, then your job and people's security could be in jeopardy.

Just b/c she doesn't breast feed doesn't mean that she doesn't have to get up in teh middle of the night! lol.... I doubt I would breast feed either... creepy having a little creature latched on LOL... I might consider doing the breast pump thing and just having it in bottles for later. But that issue is a little ways down the road.

All I can say is that it's only going to get harder the closer Bday gets here. The stress levels will increase, etc. I know she is very early on, so it's good that you are trying to get t hings worked out asap, and not waiting until its too much at once!
Good luck!!!

[LittleFury]

For crying out loud. She's gonna be a mother. Get her into some sort of counseling so your child has a stable mother and a father that is not driven crazy by his wife. I'm sorry, but she is starting to act somewhat psychotic. Get some help, now.

[sera300]

Engage:

Some how you have to get her into therapy, get her to the preacher, have him suggest it. But you need to follow it through. Unfortunately her insecurities will become worse as time progresses. Finding the root of the problem, what occurred that caused her to go from independent to needy & insecure is the target. Without this help, you will have a neurotic wife home caring for a child, dropping into work when the baby is driving her insane.

Her dreams, she needs to get over it and needs help. My ex was a cop in an area which was full of gang bangers. I always knew when he walked out for work, might not come home. It's reality yet it's not given a second thought. Her behavior is an attempt to get your attention, manipulate, and demonstrates an underlying psychiatric condition.

If she does not get some help, you will have a major disaster when she is closer to the due date, after the baby is born, and while raising the baby. Failure to adapt is not good. If it's bugging you now, imagine a few more years of this. Make the appointment w/your preacher, fill him in before you go, and get there. Your boss may be understanding but it will soon fade if she continues this and you will be out searching for a new position. Also, see if you have help through Human Resources, they should have an EAP (employee assistance program). This may help with the counseling, or it may serve as a person (professional) for you to talk to and to help you adjust.

My greatest concern is when the baby is born, her just dropping out of society, and not being a part of any of it. Prepare yourself.

[demonbuttercup]

I was trying to read back at some old posts. So did all the "clingyness" start after she lost her job??? Or was it happening before that?
You just state that she was fire b/c of "repeated conflict w/ her boss" but didn't state anything specific. Did she have that job for a long time? b/c I know you said above that she was living alone and had a job after she graduated.

[Engage!]

She's been out of college a little over two years, and had her job during that time. Just after she graduated she moved in next door to me, and we were neighbors (no relationship at that time). I've had my job for 3.5-4 years now.

She wasn't clingy during college or when she first moved next door to me, but once our relationship began to develop she latched on to me and wouldn't let go. She eventually worked her way into my bed claiming that she didn't want to sleep alone anymore and that she was cold. I think her nightmares played a part in that. I guess she wasn't truly self-sufficient when she got out of college. It lasted about six months, and then she started hanging around me. Nowadays I know that if I offered to let her stay next to me 24/7 I would never have a moment away from her. I love her dearly, but sometimes I need a few moments alone.

She seems clingier some days. This morning when I left her she seemed fine and happy, and was lying on the living room couch watching the morning news. It's a total turnaround from yesterday - almost like she's thirteen or something..... When I think about it, there's alot about her that hasn't really grown up yet.

[LittleFury]

And yet that is the woman that will be a mother to your child. Better help her grow up really fast. Or your child will grow up with a mother, who instead of being a real nurturing parent, will instead see that child as a competition for your attention.