Really Bad Surprises..... (long)

[Engage!]

I guess this isn’t all bad, but it isn’t what I would have wished for.

Friday night, I got back to my apartment and discovered that my girlfriend had lost her job. Not just lost, but was fired for having repeated conflicts with her boss. He handed her her paycheck and told her not to come back to work again. I don’t mind that she lost her job, because she hated it anyway and her boss was a cruel SOB, but the sudden loss hurt her. My gf is emotionally fragile and doesn't take change well. She cried most of Friday night. Fortunately, as of Friday, she has been living with me and no longer has to pay for her own apartment. Since she doesn’t hardly drive anywhere, gas costs won’t kill her. She’s eating my food, using my phone and internet, so for right now she doesn’t need much money. The trouble is going to be finding something for her to do with the vast amounts of open time she now has. She gets lonely and bored easily, and even asked to hang around with me at the office, but I ended up convincing her that it wasn’t a good idea. I know that my boss wouldn’t mind, but it wouldn’t be good for me to be distracted (I’d spend more time with her than with my duties). She’s disillusioned with working now, because it was her first major job. Unfortunately she has a lot of trouble getting along with other people, and even though her boss was awful, I think she could have been more cooperative. Now she’s sworn that she will never enter the workforce again. This changes our financial situation a bit, because I hadn’t expected that she would be dependent on me so soon. It won’t change our standard of living at all because she didn’t have a very good salary, and since the expenses of living together are less than living separately, it ends up being about the same.

Saturday morning, she woke up and told me that she had a dream that she was pregnant. I told her to get a couple of those test kits, and check it out just to get peace of mind. She hasn’t even missed her period yet, but both tests came out positive!!! I should have known that this would happen eventually since she’s fairly healthy and fertile, and I guess the pill didn’t cover everything. It doesn't make much sense to me, but the idea of being pregnant doesn't bother her nearly as much as losing her job.

In the afternoon she and I went to see my friend the preacher, and I told him everything, including about the pregnancy. I could tell that he was disappointed that she and I were having sex out of wedlock, but he never really said anything to that effect. He did, however, tell us that we seem to be in pretty good shape in our relationship, but that we have to work on growing closer, and that it’s an every day kind of thing. Same stuff that dancingdoc2 said in the previous thread.. He also said that even without the pregnancy, he would approve of our intent to marry, but that the advent of a child nine months from now means that we should “strongly consider the possibility of” marrying ASAP.

Yesterday morning I took my gf home to my parents, and we all went out to church together. In the afternoon, I broke the news to my parents that she and I are getting married. They don’t really approve of my choice of partner (they thought she was crazy when we ran a business together, and they thought she was even crazier as my neighbor). At least my parents were accepting and polite, and they realize that she’s family now. The visit really stressed her out, and she didn’t let go of my hand the whole time. I can only imagine how stressed she’ll be when we visit her parents tomorrow.....

Although things aren’t the best right now, they could be a whole lot worse. My girlfriend and I have decided to get married this coming weekend. Since she’s only a week or two into her pregnancy, neither my parents nor hers will know that she was pregnant before we married.
It might be for the best that she lost her job anyhow. She got so stressed out about work, and that can’t possibly be good for a pregnancy. Her pregnancy isn’t all bad either, because it made us make a decision to get married. Neither of us is really ready, but I think she’ll be a good mother. Maybe my experience as an older brother taking care of infant siblings will come in handy. Still, I am absolutely lost when I consider the fact that I am going to be a father! My most immediate concern is: What can my gf do with her time? She can’t follow me everywhere, she won’t be looking for another job, and I don’t know anyone available during the day that she can hang out with and learn from. I also worry that she might get depressed. She has always been a bit clingy and really moody, and if she’s alone for too long depression sets in. I can only imagine that she will have more mood swings now that she’s pregnant.

The question “Where do I go from here?” is kind of pointless now. Do any of you have any tips about how to improve the situation, or have I pretty much done what I can do for the moment?

[sera300]

What can she do? Go back to work if she likes it or not, it's life and will give her a sense of value. If not, volunteer her spare time in something she cares about.

Are you certain you wish to marry? Pregnancy is NOT a good reason. Be 100% certain she is the woman you want to spend you life with.

Also, how old are you both? I wish you both the best in your choices. Why not wait another few weeks to let it all sink in first? I hate to say this, do not take it the wrong way, and I think it may have also crossed your mind. I have read your past posts; are you sure this was BCP failure and not an act of desperation?

[Engage!]

I can't force her to work if she doesn't want to. I'm not sure that she would ever really fit in the mainstream workforce. As for value - she sure knows what money is. I think she still has the first dime she ever earned!!! She's not afraid to work, struggle, and even get dirty, but she can't take emotional abuse.

Since she's pregnant, I MUST marry her. True, it is not a good reason, but it is a moral duty. It is my firm belief that if a man fathers a child, his duty is to see to the well being of the child and the mother, which includes providing a stable household with a resident father figure. I am not 100% certain that she is the right woman, but if I was 100% certain, that would be a bad sign of overconfidence. I cannot, however, envision life without her. She's becoming that "better half" that I've needed for so long.

Our age - we're both in our mid twenties. She's a month younger than I am. I've known her since my senior year in high school, and I'm very certain that she wouldn't lie to me. We're very frank and open with each other, so I asked her directly if it was an act of desperation, and she told me that it was not. I believe her.

[Sustayned]

I like your character. I know there are those who would say that all of the traditional roles such as married mother and father are a lot of hooey. But I believe that a lot of people's problems today are from non-committing.
In any case, you could be a lot worse off. You seem to really care for her and you two seem to at least not fight each other. But this emotionally needy thing bothers me. I thought the advice before was good...make her work whether she likes it or not.
Work really does give someone a reason to get up in the morning AND and this is a big AND...I fear that if she does not go to work and "mainstream", she will get worse and worse in the "needy" department and wind up suffocating both of you.
Good luck. Your resolve sounds like it might carry you through what might otherwise be a borderline situation.
Ps...I know you said she doesn't lie, but are really sure she's PG? ie: have you been to see an OB/GYN?

[sera300]

You are making excuses for her which allows for co-dependency. Having one real job at the age of 20 does not make one independent. My greatest concern is her emotional state. A woman who cannot handle a job, is clinging to you when you wanted her to back off you a while ago when you were at work, who would rather sit around an apartment all day rather then go out on her own? These are giant red flags.

I understand your morals, they are admirable, I have seen many who believe as you do. But raising a child in the midst of these issues makes for a less then happy household which is not all that much better then 2 parents who live separate & apart.

I believe with all she has said, this was an attempt to catch you when you were pulling away a while back. Her "timing" is impeccable, she has dropped herself on you in every way possible, causing you solely to be responsible for her. I am not saying I disagree with your believes with raising a child, but you are not responsible for he happiness and for her. Only she is, child or no child. There is nothing wrong with her searching for a part time job in an area which may interest to her, even if it was a non professional position. There is no reason not to go out an volunteer in an organization of interest to her. It will help her.

I suggest you both get into some counseling together to help her get it together. As a future mom, she needs to be stronger then she currently is. Emotional fragility has no place in motherhood since the number on priority becomes a child's needs, not hers.

Good luck to you both and choose wisely.

[HardNgood]

Don't do anything STUPID! You both need counselling IMMEDIATELY!!...this whole story smacks of ME 26yrs ago!!..Don't DO what you are thinking of doing! Codependancy and some mental issues reek all over this story! Don't think for ONE MINUTE acting like the "Knight in Armour riding a White Horse" is going to fix this situation! You'll be doing a disservice to yourself! Good Luck

[Brandye]

Your morals, as sera stated, are admirable. Your judgment is poor. I am willing to bet that she was skipping pills purposely and now she has you. She does not work and play well with others and each of us has seen this type person experiencing difficulty in holding jobs. They also have difficulty holding onto other relationships. You are now her meal ticket and I recommend that the two of you see a counselor about establishing a healthy relationship. Preachers are useful but many lack the skills to give you the help the two of you need. There are some things prayer does not solve.

[Alchemist911]

Ima gonna be honest.
Your screwed buddy.

You are making decisions you are Not prepared to handle and are about to take on a sh*t load of responsibility you are not ready for. Her having the dream about being pregnant and now she is seems a lil "suspect" to me.

Her losing her job...well i'd ask some questions as to what really happened with that.

Her asking to come with you to work is beyond crazy!

and now you making the decision to get married so fast is insane.

you too seem like your a mix matched pair and your gonna try to force a perfect fit.

Id say thing of everything and make better decisions.

[Engage!]

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[Engage!]

Did something this morning I've never done before - I called into work "sick." Managed to get a rush appointment with an OB/GYN, and she ordered blood and urine tests on my gf. For some reason the lab is taking a while, but we should know the results soon.
Alchemist911, don't worry about the dream stuff. It might sound odd, but she has had dreams before that turrned out to be reality. It could also be her body telling her something in her sleep. There's alot to the mind that we don't understand yet.

I don't think that she and I are mismatched. Hell, we agree completely on money, politics, religion, family, food, music, and other stuff. There is no such thing as a perfect fit. I'd rather not get married so soon, but we have to if we're going to save face with the family (there's a HUGE cultural issue here. In the religious German-Russian world, you NEVER get pregnant out of wedlock!) I need to marry her, and soon. We're seeing her parents this evening and informing them that we're getting married, and that the event is this weekend.

I don't think she intended for it to be this way, but I think that sera300 is right. She's dropped on me in every possible way. I don't think that may gf is crafty or dishonest because I know her too well for that. Yet, the state of things is too obvious. I've become the "meal ticket" but she's certainly not looking for a free ride. She's a hard worker, but lacks some social skills. Once she starts doing some house work and learns a few things, she won't be so dependent and will have something to do during the day. When finally do buy a house and move to a different town, she can become the stay-at-home mom she wants to be.