Brand New Girlfriend

[Engage!]

Well, perhaps she's not so "brand new" as the title suggests....
My lover and I have finally made our relationship a committed bf/gf one, and we're looking at getting married sometime in the next year. She and I have had an "open ended" relationship for 16 months (we agreed not to kill each other if one of us has a one-night fling with someone else), but during the 16 months neither she nor I have availed ourselves of the other sexual opportunities. I guess we're meant to be faithful to each other.

My question comes from the nontraditional way that our relationship has developed. We are discussing marriage, and it's not the traditional "guy proposes to girl, girl is surprised and says yes" thing.

Is this nontraditional beginning a setup for trouble? Does the sex get better or worse during a long term relationship/marriage?

[sera300]

There should not be an element of surprise when it comes to marriage/engagement. I should be something which has been discussed openly to be certain what your interests, values, and goals are prior to "a proposal". The only element of surprise, generally is the actual ring and the day and how he proposes.

How you both agreed to terms, is a good thing you must have good communication & trust. Nothing wrong, in fact, it should keep you strong as a couple.

Sex gets better through out a relationship as long as both are committed to keeping it that way. If one lets it slip along the way, then it goes down the tubes. Keep it good and it's great part of the relationship; even when you want to "kill" the other over some nonsense!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Better; as your knowledge of eachother grows, the sex gets better. You two seem to have begun well - open communication and trust. Excellent! Just keep that going and you two will do just fine.

[Engage!]

Technically, I never proposed to her, but it's already been decided that we're going to get married. Today we spent our time getting her moved into my place, and after the end of this month we will officially be living together. She wants to get married right away. Feels kind of soon for me since I've been uncertain about the relationship all along the way, but I realize that I could never live without her. Since my parents don't like her (they think she's the crazy neighbor) and her parents don't like me for the same reason, we're not worried about any fancy stuff. A preacher friend of ours is gonna marry us quietly whenever we decide.

Obviously, if I'm going to marry her, I'll have to learn to have sex more often. As I've mentioned in previous postings, our desire levels are quite different. If the sex gets better with commitment, great! I figure that once we start living together we will become even more in-sych than we already are.

I still wonder if all of this is going too quickly, and if by having sex before marriage we "placed the wagon ahead of the horse".

[dancingdoc2]

Untraditional is not a bad thing, just different; and, different is just that....

What bothers me are the words and concepts stated in your post.

> My lover and I have finally made our relationship a committed bf/gf one.... She and I have had an "open ended" relationship for 16 months.

How can you be committed and have an "open" relationship, whether you act upon the freedom to interact with someone else or not?

> (we agreed not to kill each other if one of us has a one-night fling with someone else)

What's wrong with this philosophy? "Kill"? Certainly there must be a better way of looking at this. "Committed"? How is having a "one-night fling with someone else" committed?

> I guess we're meant to be faithful to each other.

You are sort of doing this by way of omission not comission. From the way you write, I do not believe either of you has a clue what "committment" is all about. To begin with, it is the formation of a partnership for the common good in which the total (the relationship) is greater than the sum of its two parts. I do not see you working together, rather just letting things happen and if they don't--well, I guess it's meant to be.

> My question comes from the nontraditional way that our relationship has developed. We are discussing marriage, and it's not the traditional "guy proposes to girl, girl is surprised and says yes" thing.

What is your question?
How do you plan to propose? Or is there just an understanding?

> Is this nontraditional beginning a setup for trouble?

How's this reading so far?

> Does the sex get better or worse during a long term relationship/marriage?

It depends upon how much work the two of you are willing to put into the relationship. It also depends upon whether each of you is willing to listen to and hear the other when they say there is a problem and then be willing to step up and work on it instead of ignoring the matter.

> She wants to get married right away. Feels kind of soon for me since I've been uncertain about the relationship all along

> A preacher friend of ours is gonna marry us quietly whenever we decide.

Do not get married until the two of you go through premarital counseling. Meet with your clergy friend or seek another professional counselor. In addition you need to have a plan. You need to have a discussion on having children, how many, how often, how you will raise them, if one of you will be a stay at home parent or if you'll farm them out for a day care center to raise for you. You need to decide who will do what in the marriage from carring out the trash to cleaning house, to cooking, to whatever. You need to have money in the bank--especially a savings account. Begin doing this now, before marriage. Managing a marriage takes teamwork, not just an attitude of I bring home the money and you do everything else while I sit in front of the TV with a beer.

Lastly, a marriage, like flowers, requires constant care and feeding. If you do not work on it daily, the relationship can wilt and die. If you have a healthy loving relationship of which sex is the physical expression of this love, then the sex has every liklihood of continuing to be great. Just do not let it become ho-hum. Variety is the spice of life.

> Does the sex get better or worse during a long term relationship/marriage?

If you approach sex in the same lackadasical way you are approaching the way you deal with life, then it probably will not be great long term.

[Engage!]

Dancingdoc2 -

I guess I kind of failed to explain some of the other points of this relationship, that might make a difference....

She and I have been friends for several years. Since senior year in high school, in fact. We’ve been next-door neighbors for two years, and during college we worked together. We were good friends long before anything romantic came about. Even without our relationship, I would consider her my best friend.

As for the “open” relationship, we did that because neither of us was sure about what we were doing. The girl I loved at that time had just died, and so I threw myself into work to keep from thinking about it. Before our relationship, my gf had fallen in love (lust?) with a female friend of mine, and was crushed and disillusioned when the interest was not returned. So, when my gf and I began our relationship, we were both hurt and uncertain about commitment. “kill”was a figure of speech, nothing more, and we created the openness in our relationship on purpose so that if the relationship didn’t work we could pass it off as a temporary comfort phase and retain the good friendship we had before.

I am bothered by some of the same things you mentioned in your post. I too, am not really sure of how well we have planned, almost like I’m forgetting something, and the commitment is not as strong as it should be. I would rather not hurry into marrying her, and she is wanting to go faster than I do. That’s why we don’t have a plan yet.
I think our relationship has developed. We used to fight some, but we have a rule: Never let the sun set on anger. By the end of the day, we have always apologized, forgiven each other, and achieved a solution. We never argued much, and now we don’t argue at all because we’ve started to think alike. I guess we’ve gotten this far because we have an understanding, and we’re not afraid to talk.

As for marriage planning, we agree on everything. Finances won’t be a problem. I worked full time through high school and college and ran a small business in the summer, finished college in two and a half years, and after college I worked three jobs (16 hours a day) until a year ago. I should be getting my masters’ degree by next year, and I have almost enough money to buy a small house without a loan. I also have a joint account with my gf, back from the days when we worked our own small business. She would like to have two children and be a stay-at-home mom, which is perfect, except for the fact that she can’t cook. I was the chief cook and bottle washer in my family as a kid, so I have no problem doing chores. I don’t particularly mind doing a lot of the work, as long as she’s there to talk constantly. Most married guys I talk to would give anything to get their wives to shut up, but I love it when she chatters on and on.

I hope I don’t seem too lackadaisical about things, but I’m actually trying not to rush. I’ve worked a lot and been under stress for several years, and so I have to make an effort to back off. Perhaps I’ve backed off too much and become passive. I have to work at making the little moments count – going for a drive away from the city with my lover, reading a book to her or sitting down to a decent meal without taking telephone calls. I want to marry, but I’m not sure about how to go about it. My preacher friend seems to think my choice of partner is odd, my parents don’t like her, and the few friends who know my gf all had something to say like “You want to marry HER?!?!?!” I would have thought the same thing two years ago.
I will certainly take your advice on the premarital counseling. My friend will be happy to assist us, and it can only bring us closer still.

[dancingdoc2]

Thank you very much for the additional information and clarification. That changes the flavor of things considerably.

Even so, my admonishments hold. Ya just gotta work on the relationship daily and not let it become ho hum. The same goes for the romantic portion of it.

[sera300]

Purchase her a small gift now; The Joys of Cooking and let her learn!

[Engage!]

Good idea, sera. Although she already has access to my recipes and some of my mother's old files, that sounds like a good starter book. She actually cooked a meal herself tonight, and to my surprise it tasted great. Of course, even if it wasn't good, I would have complimented her on her efforts. She also sewed up a rip in one of my old shirts, and put a button on. You should have seen the smile on her face -- she's really proud of herself. I think she's beginning to have confidence in an area she was always afraid of before.

[sera300]

Learning all of these things takes time and small steps. Through practicing now and getting more proficient it makes life easier then after you are married and overwhelmed by it all! The Joy of Cooking is a great book and has all the information in it to learn the necessities of cooking (including measuring). Then also remember the Joy of Sex book is a classic too! LOL.

Always compliment her and encourage her, never forget...never forget to say "thank you".