Emotional Distress

[Friday07]

Hi,
I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the past two years. Our sex life was, at least for myself, always good. She has never complained about not liking it before. Unfortunately, we are now at the point were sex is not at all enjoyable.
The problem initially started when she had mentioned to me that had been molested as a child and that she disliked the way we were doing it (the way we kissed during intercourse, kissing and touching her before and during). She prefers no foreplay or any intimacy or physical contact before we have sex which seems strange to me. I have tried very hard to make it more enjoyable for her, I've listened to her ideas and thoughts and tried to adjust to her needs, but the overall dissatisfaction is now affecting my performance in that I find it very hard to relax, I am very anxious about hurting her or not being able to perform with the end result being that I do not get hard at all or I lose my erection during intercourse even though I am very attracted to her. Of course my performance, or lack thereof, doesn't make the situation any easier.
I have mentioned to her that I really would love to be more intimate, take our time to get fully aroused, but we don't even have any foreplay at all (she won't let me kiss her or touch her in any way before intercourse. She says she doesn't like it). I have told her that sensual kissing and touching, for example, is the most exciting turn on that I have experienced, but she is unwilling to even consider trying, and when she does it seems forced, unnatural, and we both end up not enjoying it at all.
We both are very frustrated with this issue and have had many arguments about it.
I love her very much and would like to solve the issue before it is too late.
Any feedback would be appreciated.

[sera300]

SHE has to resolve the issue first of abuse, then the two of you can work on the matter, getting over the hurdle, together. It's something she needs some professional help with, not something you can do for her.

[wellmannered_squirrel]

you shoud dissociate yourself from this issue. You can be supportive to her but ultimately, she needs to resolve this herself, with professionnal help.

[a-bit-shy]

I hate to sound like a broken record but she needs to seek counselling. My ex suffered severely as a child and it manifested itself when we moved in together. So much so that he at one point called me the name of his sister who was his attacker. The only way we made progress was to seek counselling. He would go separately for about three sessions, I would go once, then, we would have one session together. It took a while but you gf has to want to seek help or else it won't work.

[LittleFury]

She needs to see a therapist. Being molested as a child needs to be worked through with someone who is trained to help.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If she won't go, then talk to her, explaining how she, yes it is her issue, that has wrecked this relationship with you, and that it will re-occur with each and every relationship everafter. Fear of Intimacy because she still carries some guilt "it was my fault" over the past abuse - nonsense, but that's from whence it comes. She fears being hurt again so she will not let you get "close". The fear and guilt act like a poison. she really does need professional help with this one. And no sex until she does get help.

[JuneMoon]

EvilEvil Kitten you have a point because I was molested as a child and as a result, my sex life took a tilt with my boyfriend (See thread "I'm a horrible lover") because I would not want to kiss or truly feel close to him. I was thinking that maybe it was my OCD or I didnt start having the "falling in love" feeling with him at first. Recently his mother gave me an excercise of forgiving myself for things that have happened in my life. Ever since I did that, and along with the talk about feeling more connection with my man, our sex is very different. I am slowly shedding the blankets of insecurity and allowing myself to fully recieve my man. Thanks to this thread, I think I understand a bit more about myself.

[Friday07]

Hi,
thanks for all the advice! JuneMoon, can you describe the exercise that has helped you with your issue? I would like to know more about it.
Also, seeking professional help seems logical, we've actually tried it even though for only a brief period of time, and I think that the few sessions we've attended have only touched the surface.

[JuneMoon]

Well, you have to know that his mom is a minister so she had a biblical approach to it. However, I am not religious per say and I do not know of your history with religion thus I will let you know of having her write down 10 things that she forgives herself for and to repeat it out loud to herself. And to keep saying it until she understands it and believes it. As for the quote I was given that also helped me I can pass it along to you privately. Let me know. It fits in well with the excercise.

[emilie]

Yep... no sex, she needs to get help, let her lead.

Prepare for a lot of cold showers.