Can't get over insecurities but want to so bad!

[Yariome]

Ok, me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 1/2 years, we've had our good and bad times as every relationship does i'm guessing. We've had our breaks to see other people, but always came back to each other. But I have little thoughts in the back of my head that I can't stop listening to or getting worried about I never come out and say it because I know they are more than likely faulse, but they mess with my head and sometimes make me very unhappy, which is hard to make her happy if i'm not happy.

I have a small jealously problem, i'm thinking i'm getting taken care of cause I don't care that she flirts anymore, but am still just a LITTLE iffy about her talking to certain guys.

I have a confidence problem, this is my kicker, I used to be one of the MOST confident guys in the world, I never knew what shy meant, after I got with her I was still good for quite awhile, but when we started having our problems I blamed myself not on purpose but that little thought in the back of my head kept popping that it was somehting I did. And now, sometimes I just don't feel like i'm good enough for her, no matter how many times I say otherwise, now this isn't all the time so I don't think it's neccary to leave her and find what's good about me or anything, sometimes I do feel really confident around her and feel like I can make her a very happy woman. I just keep having those little thoughts in the back of my head though that i'm going to screw up or i'm not good enough looking and am going to lose her or she's going to cheat. Now like I Said I won't mention these to her more than I already have because I know it's probably just me being stupid, but I don't know how to get rid of them.

Also, sex, i've been her only partner she's ever had. She says she enjoys it a lot but her sex drive has plummited, so I don't know if that's me or her. She is the type of sex partner where she can last five minutes when we start intercourse because when I hit her g-spot she gets too tendor down there she says. This isn't what i'm worried about, i'm just overly and once again it's the thought in the back of my head I want to get rid of, but i'm just worried that if she wants to explore other things, like she wants to have sex with a woman, and also wants to try using a dildo on herself because she HATES to masturbate says she finds it gross. I'm just worried that those things may be a lot better than me, and that she may lie to not hurt me and just keep the relationship happy because I know she loves me.

Sorry about being so long, I just have to get over these it's been way too long and i've tried so many things and don't know what else to do. Any advise, would be amazing, rather it's just relationship, or even sexual advice.

[HardNgood]

Perhaps a visit to a relationship therapist for yourself first would be in order. Don't make a big deal about it, you can't treat yourself, and having a professional outsider listen to you will help you tweek your issues. Consider it a tune up like you do to your car when things don't feel right! Cheers mate

[Yariome]

Just the problem of money, I have a kid now, his mother abandoned so i'm stuck with money on that, and gf is in school a lot so doesn't have much time to get a job.

[dancingdoc2]

While I will agree that there are problems that we cannot fix by ourselves and need doctor's or therapist's care, there are many problems that we can turn around. Ever heard the phrase: "Behave your way to success"? You should be able to turn this around by adopting that attitude.

Jealosy is never small; what it is is an absolute. You either have it or you do not and when you do it can be a major problem. It is tied to the following:
* self esteem
* self confidence
* trust

Please let the following scripts run through your brain instead of what you have been ruminating on.

* As was noted in a previous thread earlier today, there is no other relationship than the present one. Past relationships are in the past, do not dredge up the past.

* She is with you because she wants to be. Make the most of it.
* With each new relationship there is going to be a new Square One from which to begin. History or prior experience(s) equates to knowledge, not skill. A relationship is also a partnership and requires that both of you participate; therefore explore and learn together. There is only now, and then the future.

As Dr. Phil (McGraw) on TV is fond of saying: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. To change the future, you have to begin, now, changing the present. So, even though it might seem strange or foreign to act your way to success, the more you do it the more it will become a part of who you are. The more you behave your way to success, the better your future will have a chance to be. So, act confident, build self esteem, and do not get all bent out of shape just because your girlfriend talks to other males of the species. She is allowed to have friends of both genders as are you.

If she wants to stray, she will despite your best efforts. That she does not and is not means that you have little cause for worry.

[sera300]

If you look around through your local county health department many times they offer counseling for free or a very nominal fee. If you have health insurance through your employer, the majority will allow 6 sessions.

Take out the phone book for your area...look under "Mental Health Counseling" and you should find some ideas there.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dear Friend: her interest has plummeted because your self-confidence has plummeted and you appear to her now as a lap-dog and not as a man with a set. Your jealousy, which has always been there latent inside of you, has now come out because your emotions are involved with this woman. Now instead of being confident, smiling, and happy - you're some small yapping little thing hovering around her ankles. Stop it.

As dancing doc has said, "change the tape in your head". When the little voice speaks up, say a hearty BS! and kick it in the head!
Then consult a properly specialized medical professional if further help is required.

[Yariome]

So in all your opinions, our sex, and overall emotional parts of my relationship with her could very POSSIBLY not saying will cause obviously nothing is certain, but could be a good chance that everything might come back to normal? Like when we started our relationship and it was sex-fest 99' and every time we hung out was romatnic.

[dancingdoc2]

Say what? I think you need to add punctuation to what you last wrote.

A woman responds to confidence, among other traits. No one can tell you what she will do and how your relationship will be in the future. Mainly this is up to you and her willingness to see a change for the better in you.

It isn't so much that you "fall" or make a mistake, it is how you learn from what happened, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on that mainly matters. You should work on the jealosy issue by understanding that she is with you because she wants to be. That she talks to other men does not mean she is straying. Come on now, be realistic.

As mentioned, a relationship is a partnership. It takes two to tango. If she is a willing participant in this with you, then turn off the jealosy and replace these notions with more positive and realistic thoughts about her that are factual. As for your self confidence, this may take some time to (re)build. This happens in stages with little and ongoing successes. When something good happens between you, give yourself an attaboy pat on the back and add that to other facts that contribute to a healthy self confidence.

One way to replace those little nagging thoughts in the back of your head is with bigger louder positive input repeated over and over. Every time you digress and one of those thoughts pops up, loudly squelch it with something positive and say it over and over if need be.

> I don't know if that's me or her.

Answer: Communication. A successful relationship is built on being able to talk and discuss issues and find a solution that both of you can embrace. If you are fighting, then you are not working toward a common goal or solution. Fighting is immature and demonstrates a lack of coping and problem solving skills. I'm tossing this into this reply mainly for others reading this as you did not mention this being an issue.

> i'm just worried that if she wants to explore other things, like she wants to have sex with a woman, and also wants to try using a dildo on herself because she HATES to masturbate says she finds it gross. I'm just worried that those things may be a lot better than me,

Last things, first. Dildos are toys, either to enjoy solo or at someone elses hand. A dildo cannot replace a man's hands or penis, only augment the sensations they produce.

Please clarify, has she stated that she is curious about sex with another woman, or, is this just you being "stupid" to use your word?

[demonbuttercup]

A lot of times couples can't keep up that sexual momentum they have when they first start out.
My b/f and I first started out like twice a day....then once a day...then every other day... then 2-3 times a week... then once a week... you get the point lol.
Some couples are able to be just as sexually active as they were when they were new... I imagine EvilEvil Kitten is one of these people lol

I'm the same way as that my b/f is the only guy I've had sex w/. Of course sometimes you think about maybe you should have "experimented" but like they say... you think the grass is always greener..and that usually isn't the case.
Also, like Doc said, toys don't come even close to the real thing. There isn't anything wrong w/ masturbation and if she used a dildo on herself.. she would indeed be masturbated. I am assuming you mean she thinks actually touching herself is gross? Like if she was to finger herself...etc.
Masturbation doesn't replace sex...but even couples w/ healthy active sex lives...still masturbate..one doesn't cancel out the other.

[Yariome]

Ok, i'm starting to get what you say.

And no she does actually want to have sex with a woman, she has bisexual feelings, I have no problem that she wants to, just afraid she may enjoy it more than having sex with me.

Yeah I don't want to have sex a lot, we are down to once a week, and was in a very similiar situation as you were, i'm fine with that, just sometimes I don't know if she's truely enjoying it or not.

And i'm over the toy thing, I can understand what you guys are saying.

I just have to get up my confidence, too many failures beat me into the ground and I stupidly let them, any suggestions on such? Obviously doing successful things, but besides that?