Bored of sex at 20 . . . .

[Figment]

I’ve been floating around your boards for a while, finding out useful information but now it’s time I need some advice of my own . . .

Well, let me just give you the basics, basically myself and my boyfriend took our best friendship to the next stage. I’ve known him now for nearly 8 years, best friends for 6 of those. The typical thing, everyone else saw where we were heading but us so it happened, Christmas time we decided to get together. He’s my everything, but not just my best friend, my lover, my companion, my soul mate you could say. However, personally I feel there is a problem with our sex life.
We’re both 20, he lost his virginity at 17 however I lost mine with him, which I’m happy about (he obviously did the whole, I wish I waited speech) but anyway, it seems that we’ve fallen into a routine, it’s the same every single time.
I get into bed, he gets into bed after his shower, we kiss, a little bit of mutual masturbation, missionary 5-10 minutes, finish it off with me on top. I have yet to orgasm from sex and I know you say that it’s about both partners and all that which I truly believe, but he stands for “traditional sex” kinda thing, keep it in the bedroom, standard positions, no “funny business“. But the thing is I have suggested all sorts, I would love it if he was dominant with me, maybe tied me up just a little, just trying different positions, just to try everything basically, find what‘s right for us. I’ve suggested this but he shrugs it off, and even laughed in some cases.
But what really gets to me is the fact I know he’s tried it all out with his previous partners! Trust me, I’ve heard all about it!! Drunken nights reveal a lot of things!
But now, he says he won’t “lower his standards” and do that sort of stuff, for example his first partner they used to do it everywhere, quite literally, even their bosses desk! And now he won’t even try a bit of light bondage with me! But he “just doesn’t do that kinda thing” Well, you did with them!? Why not me!? I want to share my new experiences with him, it’s our first time together!

We’ve talk about marriage, children and our future together but at the moment I can see myself living a very unsatisfied life. I would really appreciate some advice, how to go about getting to experiment a little more?! I have talked to him, but to get across to him better what I want, what I need!

I’m so sorry if this turned out a little long, rant over

[EvilEvilKitten]

He is NOT the man for you. Why? Because he is thinking ONLY OF HIMSELF. This is why you two are having these problems. You have communicated your desires to him and you may have mentioned to him that you are not happy with your current sex life. He just laughs or shrugs it off leaving you feeling like dead and debased meat. WHY IS THIS MAN STILL YOUR FRIEND LET ALONE YOUR LOVER? Obviously, he does not really give a damn about you since he isn't even willing to meet you halfway.

Move along, sister, and date more men before even considering marriage and children etc.

[Figment]

Thanks for your reply . . .

He just shrugs off in a joke like manner, it’s just it’s seems everything else is just perfect in our relationship, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not all innocent myself with the whole we’re going to live happily ever after crap. I think we need to sit down and have a real serious talk, and see where things go from there!?

Sometimes, it feels like I want to put up with it just to continue with the way we’re going. Sit and down shut scenario.

(The marriage children is only something we’ve talked about in passing, nothing major like date setting!)

[Brandye]

Get a copy of the Joy of Sex (it is back in print) and the two of you start through it together. If thast does not help, see Evil's comment above.

[Burning_tree]

It's possible that he sees kinky stuff as bad or dirty and respects you too much to bring them into your sex life. Perhaps his previous relationships were less serious, and he doesn't associate kinky stuff with loving sex in a serious long-term relationship.

What's his religious background? I was raised very strictly Catholic and was *very* uncomfortable with any kind of kinky stuff at your age. I wanted sex to be pure and sweet and spiritual all the time. Now I'm more comfortable with experimenting...but it's taken me years to get over my hangups, and I'm still working on it.

I'd explore why he's got these hangups before dismissing him as a selfish ass. If you've been best friends for so long there's probably a good foundation there. Getting a book of sex positions or just something slightly different from what you're doing now might open him up to new stuff. If not, then you need to meet your own needs. If you think there's no way you can be sexually satisfied with him, then perhaps you are better off just being friends.

[Figment]

I can see where you’re coming from with the first point, he knew he never loved them, he was really only with them for the sexual side of the relationship. I know it’s different with me, I understand that, the connection we have is amazing. I’m just trying to get him to open up. We share everything else, why not this ?! I’m the first person he’s been comfortable with, he told me this the other night however if he is how can he not talk to me and explain it to me. (Sorry went into a slight rant there)

Oh no, he’s not religious in the slightest. I really don’t know where this “traditional” ideas and viewpoint have come from?! (not saying you have to be religious to have such views, but it’s very unlike him)
But the thing is, contradicting to what you said, we’re young. We should be mucking around, we’ve only just left out teenage years. Isn’t it now the time to experiment and enjoy our youth together?

I don’t want him to be seen in a bad light, it’s just I would love to share the experiences together, if you get my gist.

And after all this I don’t think we could ever just go back to being friends, personally I feel we crossed the line a long time ago and unfortunately we can never go back to the way it was.

[Figment]

Thank you for replying.
Maybe it’s time I popped down to my local book store!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Figment - NEVER just sit down and shut up - accepting less A because of lots of B. 20 to 30 years down the road - you'll be banging your head against the wall saying "Dumb girl! Dumb girl! Dumb girl!" Sorry, but I have seen it far too often to think that those relationships ever work out well. Women tend to be "accomodating"; over looking serious problems for the sake of others' feelings and to satisfy their own needs for "security" - so they stay in bad, dangerous, or just unsatisfying relationships.

Keep to the facts: He's "close but no cigar". You have communicated, he communicated, but the fact remains the same : he has not 'stepped-up' and insists that it is HIS way or nothing. Btw he does it as a "joke" to keep you from getting angry at him. It is a defense mechanism. That he does it that way means, yes, he knows he's in the wrong here but means to have his own way regardless.

[Figment]

I know exactly where you coming from, and over the next few weeks I think it's time I sat down and truely searched my heart and see where this is all going!

We're going on holiday in a few weeks, myself, him and a couple of our friends so maybe a new place might open up to some new suggestions. I really do hope so, for all our sakes.

And thanks for replying.

[Figment]

I’ve got some good news, we sat down last night and had a serious talk.

He seriously didn’t know how I felt, and after I expressed everything, my thoughts and feelings and such he apologised profusely. He says we’re going to try anything I want from now on, share every new experience together. Needless to say I’m rather chuffed about that! We going to share every step and talk about it, and see how we both feel. I think it really knocked him into shape finding out he could lose me over something like that.

And then we made some plans for the holiday . . .

Thanks for all your help and advice! I’m still going to pop down the book store, see if I can find some light reading for the trip!