I'm a horrible lover!

[JuneMoon]

Yesterday my boyfriend of nearly 4 years was frustrated. I wasn't sure why but he complained about my lovemaking. He imagines a circle being filled but right now to him it looks like a half tube. If he wants to move forward with me he needs that portion filled so the circle keeps moving.

Just to give you back history... I had struggled with Anxiety and OCD at the beginning of my college years. It affected me greatly including sex life. Recently I have been adjusting my attitudes on myself and my outlook on life. I feel like I have a whole new pair of glasses and these past two weeks I have felt super connected to him in bed and allowed myself to enjoy sexual play. However, he thought I was being selfish the last time we had sex and not participating enough in bed, which frustrates me because I thought I was doing everything he always asked for and what I always yearned for.

To help get his feelings out we pretended as if he was talking to a friend, me being the friend. What blew me was that he said "Shes a horrible lover" and "I don't think she was ever there, mentally in bed." Which is difficult to hear because for someone going through Anxiety and OCD I was there the best way I knew how to be. So, anyway we said our I Love yous and I said we will get through this but I had a terrible sleep. Whereas I was becoming more enthusiastic about our love life, it dropped like 10 fold. I don't even want to talk to him. I'm hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

[sera300]

Putting all psychological issues aside his wording would be hurtful & damaging to any one.

Go and seek out a sex counselor. This is not a matter you can hash out together, you need a professional.

[Brandye]

That would be the end for me with all the other stuff you describe. Focus on getting help for yourself. Your mental health is, right now, more important than your sexual satisfaction. With this in the back of your mind, it could be a long time before you really get into it again.

[Chino]

While it would be the final straw for Brandye...I really think you have to consider his side (like I have all of the info) of this quite a bit. And while your mental health is the most important thing, do you want to end a 4 year relationship in this pursuit?

It is incredibly difficult to be in a long term relationship with someone who is somewhere else mentally in bed. Despite how much you say you now try to be there mentally, he is probably extremely sensitive to each and every one of your body cues because he has seen them throughout the years. Averted gaze, sighs, closed body language...among many other possibilities. Do you know how difficult it is to navigate the mental and physical mine-field that creates? Even if you have been working very hard recently to overcome these issues - he will most likely be sensitive to these things for quite some time and may even have difficulty letting go of any built up animosity towards the situation when you try to correct it. I'm not trying to justify these feelings he has...ust being pragmatic.

I, personally, think that the little scenario you played out to help him express his feelings was important. you may not have wanted to hear it, but he needed to say it. I too have often stuck my foot in my mouth in those types of "share your REAL feelings" situations. While his words obviously would (and did) hurt you, you should consider that he doesn't want this to be his feeling. He simply was very blunt and real about what he feels.

[JuneMoon]

I really do appreciate all the feedback you guys have been giving me. We talked this through and I did let him know under no uncertain terms how blunt use of language about a sensitive topic does not help me, help him. I think Chino, you pointed something out about animosity. He has said he feels ignored. In return I told him I felt left out of the equation when he only talks about ME pleasing HIM. What he has difficulty in understanding is, I want to do everything for him but not under the guise of pressure or of the blind little girl. Everything I do has to sit right with me first or else I start to build animosity. That's no fun.

As an adult, I am finally at a place where I am aware of my own body along with true feelings and thoughts. There was a time when fear ruled my life. Not anymore. I don't know if that threatens his role as a man but everytime we talk about this, he feels that he has to fix it. Like he wants to be in control and I am trying to tell him to relax. If he relaxed he will realize the glass is damn near full instead of half empty.

To note about the role playing game we did, he told me, last night he was exaggerating because if the sex was horrible, he wouldnt have stayed. Fellas, if the sex isnt that horrible then don't under any circumstance use extreme words to describe it because you'll make your lover feel like ****. I love my baby but we are clearing the air tonight because I won't stand to be in a relationship with mixed bedroom messages.

[sera300]

Maybe you want to suggest to him when he wishes to air his thoughts there are better words which can be used to say ""we need some help in the bedroom". The bluntness of his words there is no excuse for, he could have phrased it much better.

Glad to hear such a drastic issue is easily solved.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The question you have to ask is: Yes it has been 4 years but would I want to live with this person for 29 years? Future-thinking can help focus your mind to a certain extent in that it can give you the impetus to fix what is wrong rather than just let things lie. That you two are willing, and working, to fix things is an excellent sign - a testament to your commitment to eachother. But if it does not work out, regardless of how long it has been, you might have to move on. It is at that point that future-thinking hurts instead of helps. Work on it together but be honest - if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No blame - just how it is. Good luck to you both!