may seem pathetic to some people...

[spider123]

I know alot of people, probably most, will think that what Im about to say is going to seem very pathetic, but I need an outsiders view.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 15 months and we have a 2 month old son together. I love him sooo much I couldnt imagine life without him even though he can get under my skin at times! Anyway I guess I should start somewhere.... Im 17, he is 24. He was a virgin til the age of 22 and I was only the 2nd person he had slept with. I had 4 other sexual relationships before him - none of whom I liked they were just '1 night stands' and yes, I was 16 with all of them so of legal age.
I know I have a problem with jealousy, and am at the moment trying to get myself over this but one thing just wont leave my mind...
This girl he was with before me, they were only together on and off for a most of 2 weeks or so and yes from that I can see not all that serious. But the night they did have sex, he did it 4 times, and came every time.
And yes how stupid am I that it bothers me the most he has done it with me a night is 3 times. I know you are all probably laughing, when I see the stupid side of this I laugh too but its when I get thinking about it it makes me feel there is something wrong with me. As in, why wont he do it with me, am I ugly? Unattractive? When we got together, he made a point of doing it 3 times so that he would be my most a night, but that doesnt make me his most. And he sees no problem that Im not his most. I know I shouldnt think about it, shouldnt care about it, whatever. But I do care about it and it does bother me, alot.
The other thing is, when he has told me about his relationship with her, there has been a few different versions, as in how they split, how they got together and for how long etc. He also rememberd the day he slept with her, when he kissed her, things he said to her, even down to the film they were watching when they kissed etc. When I asked recently if he remembers anything special about us, he couldnt remember the day we first slept together, couldnt remember special things that had been said between us etc. And yes, it also bothers me that he rememberd it with her, not me.

You are all most likely thinking Im childish, needs to get over it blah blah blah. But I dont want to be insulted, its embarassing enough that Im actually going to post this Please try to understand.
I have spoken about this to him a few times but he just gets angry saying Im being stupid etc. I also have spoken to a friend and she said that it would bother her aswell if she was in my situation.
I feel a need that I have to be the best I can be for him, and if that means things like this then I want to do it. I have a need to feel better than his ex, even though it was a on and off relationship that only lasted 2 weeks.
It makes me feel Im not a big enough turn on for him to be able to want to go again, to be able to come 4 times a night with someone else but not me, to me means there is something wrong with me. Why doesnt he want to do it? (you obviously cant answer that Im just sort of talking to myself)
I know he isnt as fit now as he was then, but when we first got together he was and he never attempted it more than twice.
His excuse for why he could come 4 times that night with her is that he had 'years worth of come built up' which I dont actually believe as it doesnt just keep building up, there is a limit. Am I right? And he said he wanted to do it more than once/twice as it was his first time he wanted to get as much in as possible... Does this sound reasonable?
I know obviously if he isnt as fit now it would be hard to do it, but to never attempt it?
Grrr, I just dont know what to think. Yes I am insecure and have low self confidence, always have but my friend who is very confident and happy with herself would also be offended by this.
Also, what was it about her that made him remember the 'special' dates with her if he isnt even with her! He didnt remember them with me.
Yep, I sound incredibly sad, pathetic... I know, but I wont be thinking in a couple days when it really bothers me that Im being sad or pathetic.
I hope you can just understand where I am coming from and I hope you will be nice about it as it does really get to me at times.
Sorry for rambling on.

[Brandye]

You know too much and do not have any idea what is accurate and what is not. You need help with your self-esteem and he may need to help you regain this. Like paying attention to you rather than to her. Jealousy is a very real and very powerful emotion. The worst part is that it often leads to behaviour that makes your fears self-fulfilling prophesies. Get some help discussing this.

[demonbuttercup]

How did all these "details" come about.
I wouldn't tell my b/f if I had done that w/ someone nor would I want to hear about his marathon night w/ some chick he knew for 2 wks?!?!
I don't ask and I don't offer up anything either..b/c once something has been said..you can't take it back or "forget" that it happened.

I mean it could have been that he finally lost his virginity and thought..wow I better do this as much as possible...who knows if this chick will be around next week...and apparently she wasn't!

But apparently he loves you b/c he's been w/ you for a LONG time compared to this other chick...and you have a baby together.
If this chick was his first...then yeah you do tend to remember that.


Once again... I wonder how all these details came about?? I mean does he just offer the information? or are you asking him this stuff?

[Sustayned]

Both of the above posts hit on what I was thinking through out your post. How do you know he was not exaggerating? Why would he? Don't have a clue. But I'm like Demonbuttercup, I would NEVER have said anything like that to my wife when I first met her or now. I would never have said anything like that to any girl I've dated or slept with. Good policy: Don't ask and I won't tell. Ask..and I still won't tell. That's between me and the girl I was with prior...no one else's business and ther'es no way to verify it anyway.
This shouldn't be a jealousy issue anyway. Like they said, he's with you now and has been with you. That means he must have some type of feelings for you or he would have long been exit stage left.

[Matador]

I do recomend you to stop asking about pass g/f. It won't get you any where, it won't help your self steem and it will just make your b/f defensive and uncomfortable. You are just putting him on position where he could lie or tell anything just to get out of that.
Now, long time ago I had a g/f that i could only see one day during the week, of course, that day all we did was having sex, and some times we did it like 5 times, but later when I was just married I could only doit like twice I a day because I did it more often.
Now, do you want him to cum 4 or more times? well, is not up to him, is up to you to "keep him up". Take that as a chalenge and try to "make him happy" and keep him awake one night. You'll see it will be more fun.

[demonbuttercup]

Originally Posted by Sustayned

Don't ask and I won't tell. Ask..and I still won't tell. That's between me and the girl I was with prior...no one else's business and ther'es no way to verify it anyway.

Right!
I mean be honest about things like...yes I have been w/ someone else and have been tested since then..etc..... but details?!?! nope!

[HardNgood]

FINALLY...a thread title that actually defines the post!...it is pathetic!! LOL

[val]

actually I seem to be the only one who understands and would act in the same way. Whether it is low self esteem or something else I still get upset about things my husband did twenty years ago but whether this is because I only found out about these things in the last year I'm not sure. One thing is for ssure, if you can't understand this girls feelings then don;t tell her to get a life.

[curious_woman]

I disagree with those who say "past relationships need to be past". Although it can be tough at first, and cause anger/jealousy (I well know both myself and my fiance are VERY jealous and possessive) we always feel closer when we share something person.

Anyways, regarding to the problem!
As (un?)important as sex can be...what matters is he loves you. Maybe its just me, but I think emotions are more important then sex. I have only been with one other guy aside from my fiance, because I chose to wait until I had a partner I loved. My fiance, has had 20+ partners, mostly one night stands etc. It doesn't bother me, because well it was before me and it was just f_ucking, not making love like it is with me.

About him remembering dates...despite how women are considered more emotional and stuff, most men I know secretly remember their first time, and are a tad nostalgic about it. I doubt it means he cared about her more then you.

I suggest calmly letting him know how you feel, and insist in a normal type voice you're not mad, or making a fuss you're just curious and want to share your feelings.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You will not find anyone more self confident or with more self-esteem than me and NO, this would not bother me in the least for I am EvilEvilKitten - the Feline of Darkness! This may seem childish to you but it does have its purpose. Let me explain something to you. Not only is each woman different than any other, but each time even between the same partners is different every time if you pay attention. You have no rivals. No one else even comes close to being all that you are - the good, bad, and the indifferent in your own unique mix. No one ever will. So why are you wasting your time and energy fighting a ghost? You have a child to raise and a man to whom you owe an apology. He is with you, not her. If you cannot trust him then your relationship is a lie - do you like being a liar? You cannot love those you do not trust. My advice to you is to decide yeah or nay - do you love him? If yeah, then love him - all of him, including his history, completely. Do it. If nay, then leave him, since everyone deserves to be with someone who truly gives a damn about them. At this point you are thinking more about yourself and your percieved inadequacies - which may not actually exist. Time to start focusing upon the others.

How would you feel if your every move, thought, and action were scrutinized for even the slightest evidence of even the smallest betrayal? How would you feel if everything you had ever done were dragged out and examined under a microscope operated by an unrelenting enemy? This is what you are now doing to him and what you have permitted yourself to become - his enemy. EMPATHY is what you need now, not jealousy. PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE and MODIFY YOUR BEHAVIOR.