Ending a long term relationship

[TL79_3]

Im not entirely sure I want to go through with it, but over the past several months, im starting to realize this relationship isnt going to last much longer. We've been together for quiet sometime, gone through some serious ups and downs, we're both in our 20's and been dating since high school. We were each others first for just about everything.

I love this girl more than anything, but we're just not compatible, sexually or otherwise. I have to have goals and plans and when i set out to do something, i do it. she on the other hand is a wanderer, still in college, with many years to go....and still relys on her parents or me for everything...she doesnt even have a drivers license.

not to say that i dont have plenty of flaws myself, but these things im having issues with are basic character flaws that will never be changed, and im tired of trying to change them or trying to learn how to live with them. Im settling into a career, my first home and ready to be established, and she's not, and is at least 5 years behind me on that front.

Like i said, I love this girl, and thats the reason im worried about letting her down. she has a history of depression, and doesnt handle stress well. honestly that fact alone is probably why ive stuck around the past 6-8 months. I tried bringing it up before, and working out issues, and seperating has been discussed, but i just couldnt do it in fear of what would happen to her. In the past she suggested counciling, but i just dont want to get into that, and its to the point i dont believe its worth it.

i dont know if this is a rant or a request for suggestions on how to break up with someone, but comments, suggestions are much welcomed.

[sera300]

If you are realizing now you are not compatible both emotionally & sexually...time to say good bye. It will never work out in the long run, you will only be left with regret. End it nicely & on good terms.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry, but it is time to let her go. You cannot fix anyone other than yourself.
Gently but clearly say goodbye and firmly squelch any of those "Galahad" feelings of rushing to her aide. Then walk away and do NOT ever look back.

[TL79_3]

how do you get over the "what ifs"

when i said first for about everything, i mean i was a dork in high school and she was my first girlfriend. first year was amazing. no issues whatsoever. year 2 was brought out a few issues, and year 3+ has just expanded those issues. I dont want to let go. yea im ahead of her in ways, but what if its just a matter of time before she catches up and the issues go away? Im afraid of throwing it away over something that seems serious now, but maybe in a year it wont be.

people on the outside see us, and wonder when we'll get married. i wanted it sooner than later, but she wants to finish school first, which is cool, thats easy enough to explain, but us suddenly splitting isnt so easy to expain. The whys they would ask make me question the answers i would give.

[sera300]

It's not a question of what if...what you are seeing is the person more for them self. Each year they are more comfortable & more of who they really are, less on "good behavior", and now is when you find you are not compatible. Many people find these traits after they got married, not later find they are not working out.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Quite true, sera - they get comfortable and relax the 'courtship behavior' of only showing their good side.

Nevermind the 'what if'. Nevermind what people will say/ask - none of their business. If you aren't compatible - you aren't compatible.

Move on.

[HardNgood]

do her a FAVOUR...break up with her! all you are doing is allowing a codependency develop. She needs to get a grip and get the depression thing figured out...yes when you are close to someone it is natural to have sympathy for "these" continuous issues they drrag out, but unless they seek professional help, your sympathy and empathy is nothing more than enablling/codependency...

[sera300]

There is a point many on this board seem to miss in relationships or while seeking relationships...many of us dance around the real issue without coming out and saying it. When looking at a future prospective, after you have dated the world, both of you should be 100% whole as individuals before the relationship begins. Not seeking fulfillment/completion from another, you should be a partnership, who are both 100% capable and independent humans who want to pair since you are better as a team then as individuals.

[ThinksTooMuch]

I'm probably the least welcome person here for giving advice, but... I just wanted to ask; how do the two of you currently cope with her depression and inability to cope with stress? Is she receiving external help for this? It's just... an issue might be that you're her sole crutch. (Sorry, I can't think of a better word). Before you remove yourself, it's a good idea to get a replacement ready so she doesn't collapse. Otherwise you're really going to feel bad about what you've done to her. Even though it's not really your fault. So, by councilling, did you mean as a couple, or psychological councilling for her?

You need to see if you can make this the least painful it can be... for both of you. You especially.

EDIT: by "replacement", I mean something to fall back onto when you're gone, not someone to act as a replacement as a lover! Oh, and by something to fall back on, I mean supporting people or just being strong enough to take it. Not alcohol or drugs, or whatever else she might try and replace you with. I expect you share a similar circle of friends, being together for so long?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Thinks Too Much - still enabling, still playing "Galahad". Forget that! Some people have to hit bottom before they realise they have to stand up by themselves. Sera is absolutely correct. You have to be a whole person before you can be a partner.

Move on, guy!