Ending a long term relationship

[Old Kid]

Sounds to me like you already have made your decission about this. If you are asking how to do a painless breakup, I don't know if that is possible in any case. You guys are still children in my view. Her perhaps more than you. You say her parents support her & she is in school so it's not like you are her whole world. You may actually be supprised one day to see how well she does without you. Probably have a new guy to lean on before you can blink an eye. At least you have come to this conclusion at a very early stage. Imagine what it would be like to end it after 20+ years together & you realize you can't stand her. I know, I did it & it ain't pretty!

[ThinksTooMuch]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Thinks Too Much - still enabling, still playing "Galahad". Forget that! Some people have to hit bottom before they realise they have to stand up by themselves. Sera is absolutely correct. You have to be a whole person before you can be a partner.

Move on, guy!

Well, yeah, I know he's made up his mind, and yes, it's good for them to split up, she probably doesn't have this whole life schedule she's "5 years behind" on built in. They desire different kinds of lives.

BUT.

You can't tell a person with stress and depression to get over themselves and then leave them alone.

That really does tend to have the opposite effect.

So all I was asking was whether there's other kinds of scaffolding around her. Old Kid's right; there probably are a load of other people supporting her. Perhaps it's just that TL70_3 doesn't realise he's not her entire world after all.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by ThinksTooMuch

Well, yeah, I know he's made up his mind, and yes, it's good for them to split up, she probably doesn't have this whole life schedule she's "5 years behind" on built in. They desire different kinds of lives.

BUT.

You can't tell a person with stress and depression to get over themselves and then leave them alone.

That really does tend to have the opposite effect.

So all I was asking was whether there's other kinds of scaffolding around her. Old Kid's right; there probably are a load of other people supporting her. Perhaps it's just that TL70_3 doesn't realise he's not her entire world after all.

He is not her support, he is not her husband! She had family & nor should he be responsible for attending the next 20 years of counseling with her either.

It's up to her to take care of herself, not a boyfriend, especially an ex. The poor guy should not have to feel guilty for anything. If she is that unstable she should be in a hospital.

[HardNgood]

Exactly what Sera says, spot on! The biggest disservice you can do is to try and "help" them because you feel guilty or you feel you have to...unless you have medical creditentials pertaining to psychiatry, you have to walk...sounds harsh but you could do like I did and wait 20 some years before realizing you efforts are useless!

[Orow]

Perhaps you could hint what you are about to do to some of her closest friends or family, so they're ready when you do it.

[TL79_3]

she does have outside support for depression and whatnot, but in recent years, for various reasons have really become her only non-doctor/non-family "support role" its not like she's suicidal or anything that severe, nor do i fear she would get that way, but in tough situations, she kinda shuts down.

she does use me as a crutch a lot, and expects that type of support, and thats really not something im good at, and is really the main reason i dont think i can continue on this way. But at the same time, i do tend to use her in the same way, that old "Better half" adage is kinda true, she complements my weaknesses, but I cant do the same for her.

its gotten to the point where the relationship is just at a standstill. theres nothing terrible, but theres nothing great either. we've just been sitting in limbo for months. Sexual relationship has always been erratic, but recently its been much less frequent, we dont really go on dates, i work a lot, she's in school a lot. Honestly its like we've just become the stereotypical married couple who if you saw in public you wouldnt think they were together. just 2 people existing together

[ThinksTooMuch]

Oh well if that's the case you really do have nothing to worry about. Go your separate ways. She'll be fine. You'll be fine. Particularly in the long run.

[sera300]

Even married couples have fun! It's not boring and bland, only when both no longer care to keep the relationship alive and interesting! Time for you two to part, be nice, stay on good terms, and live your lives. Your are just at very different points in life, it happens! Both should be enjoying your life to the fullest.

[2hot4him]

It sounds as you two have gotten complacent in your relationship-sometimes it's easier than confrontation.

I say end the relationship, don't worry about how she will deal with it or how it looks to outsiders. She will recover and move on, people will always find someone/something else to gossip about.

You have to live your own life. She has to learn to live hers (yes, even with depression she can learn).

[TL79_3]

well, i did it. it sucks worse than i could possibly imagine. huge part of my life for 4 years. i feel like ****, alone, like half of me is missing. first person i ever loved, first person i ever kissed, so many firsts, so many things she meant to me and always will. i still love her, and i regret nothing of the time we spent together, but tonight i feel i will regret forever. i dont know even where to begin now.

god i love her and will miss her dearly.