Pornography addiction

[Kitten_McKat]

I know there was a post about this (Porn vs. a relationship type thread) further down the page, but it didn't completly meet the same issues as I am having right now.

Okay, so my Fiance and I have been together for a while, and when we first started dating, I realized he liked porn. But so what, right? Alot of people like porn, both men and women. I didn't mind, even though I dont watch it, but then I realized HOW in to this porn he was. His entire computer (TWO hard drives, and another old computer in the other room) were Full of it. When I would come over and walk downstairs- if he didn't hear me coming I would walk in on him watching it, even though he had expected me to come over. I just .. tried to shrug it off for quite a while. But I couldn't continue to do it.

He has almost every copy of Maxim, playboy, Cheri, etc. and all are in perfect condition. He likes to collect, and I realized this. He also has an entire folder on the computer called 'wallpaper'.. in alphabetic order, different actresses all wearing little to no clothing.
Anyways, we moved in together, with the knowing that we were going to be wed in the future, and are now engaged. We have no relationship issues, except for the porn. A few months ago I woke up one night, he had slipped out of bed because he couldn't sleep, and was sitting on the computer watching porn! He never even noticed I had sat up in bed and looked at him.

Or, I would come home from work, and he would be on the computer downloading it, or looking at clips of it, could barely trust him to be in the bedroom alone, for if I was not there for one minute- he would be on a porn site. He admitted he was addicted. It was hard to stop.

He was a virgin when we first started dating, never had a girlfriend before. Very reserved, and very openning expressed his respect for women- but he still watched these pornographies of women giving themselves to men in every direction possible! So I understand he had a collection of porn to keep him occupied- but now he has me. We -were- very sexually active, he is amazingly concerned about making me happy in bed and everything, but letting go of his pornography collection seems a little bit too hard for him. He put it away in boxes, but last night admitted that he still has urges to go look it up online. We always get sex toys from online, and they send free gifts with each order.. and they sent a Dvd. I never thought anything of it, was going to throw it away, when he handed it to me and said, "I have the urge to watch this, will you do something with it please?" I respected it, but then he admitted that he still peeks at the stuff online. My sex drive has dwindled. Incredibly due to the thought of this pornography- as I have issues with confidence, and always have ever since I started dating (Will explain below), and I am finding it hard to get my labido back (May also be caused by my birth control, so I changed it in hopes it would help)

He wants to have kids after the first year of marriage, as do I- yet right now the only other room in our house is kept as 'storage' for boxes of his pornography! He has boxed of magazines in perfect condition, DVD's in perfect condition, etc!

Okay okay, I know this all comes back at me- why do I care? Well.. I am ashamed to admit it but I was in very sexually abusive relationship before him, where whenever I was not up for sex my ex BF would become enraged. He cheated on me daily behind my back for months.. yet still expected me to stay with him and let him pound memercilessly during sex, only to finish himself off and never care about my sexual desires (Not that I had anymore for him) He forced me to give him head, and held me down just so that he could cum all over my face. In my eyes, up my nose etc. We broke up over this of course, it took me a while as I was VERY afraid it would become an assult issue with physical abuse, but luckily it never did. This was just over a year ago- but how do I let go of the past so easily when it haunts me each and every day?

Now.. I ask my fiance what his biggest fantasy is- and he says it is to cum all over my face. (He told me this before I told him about the abuse of my past bf) It is just something he likes. It is the reason he watches porn.. but, I cant bring myself to do it. It makes me break down, I cry myself to sleep, etc!! What do I do!?! I want to make him happy! I want to make him excited to know that I am going to be marrying him. I dont actually think he doesn't look forward to it, I just feel that him having to give up porn without me sacrificing anything of my own, makes me feel guilty.

[Brandye]

OK. Addiction is addiction no matter what the object is. Addiction is described as the desire or need for something to the point that it gets in the way of normal relationships. He is addicted to porn and will not easily be cured. Certainly not without professional help.

Do you want to live with this indefinitely? Do you want it around while you are raising kids? Do you want him expecting you to participate in re-enactments of what he sees? Do you wish to be feeling inferior as he passes up a romp with you to view his recent downloads? Your saying you "cannot trust him" in the bedroom alone speaks volumes on how you feel about this issue.

You have been sexually abused - about one woman in five has been - and this has affected both your self-esteem and willingness to particpate in some of his fantasies. (As an aside, I have never been abused but the idea of some guy squirting all over my face for his enjoyment offends me). You are well enough to have entered into another sexual relationship and can continue to re-establish your self-esteem and trust of men. Perhaps, but not with a major distraction reminding you of your past pain.

You two have some heavy lifting to do to get beyond his addicition and your past pain being re-ignited by his addiciton. Is it worth the effort to you? Is it worth the effort to him? Do you really think he will change? Do you really think you can accept that he will have changed? Can you really move beyond this?

Women who have been sexually abused are typically "ashamed to admit it." Why? It is shameful to be the abuser; it is not shameful to have been the object. Carrying that shame indicates you still have some healing to do.

Sorry for all the "good" news. You need some help yourself and then, perhaps, the two of you need some help - either to come together or to come apart. You are in a high risk situation. The resolution is not some quid pro quo that you each "give something up" of approximately equal value. He is diseased. He needs to be cured. There is nothing you need or should have to give up as a trade for his cure. You have been abused and have some limitations. Lord, we all have limitations without having been abused. If something either of you desires is beyond the limits of the other, there is no trade to be made. Limits are limits and none of us should be forced to cross those limits.


Think. Pray. Reason. Talk it out. With your mother. With your shrink. With your priest. With your hairdresser. Whatever applies to you but make sure your eyes are truly open.

[sera300]

Kitten MC:

Have you gone and spoke with anyone regarding the past abuse, specifically to on targeted at helping women? Before you do anything I think it's a good place to start. Forcing a woman to engage in sex is one of the most violent criminal acts which happens to women daily, the majority go unspoken of. It is nothing to be embarrassed about, many times the woman stays in the relationship b/c they actually begin to believe they are worthless as their abusers dictate. What makes it harder when the abuser in one in the relationship (spouse/partner) rather then a stranger or neighbor. Get some help for yourself, then decide if you want the relationship and what he is going to do to fix himself. There are free counselors out there for sexual/physical abuse, talk with one. It will help you regardless of where you end up in life.

[Kitten_McKat]

Well, we have made a lot of progress over the past many months. First, he slowly stopped with the internet porn. He has unsubscribed to many of the magazines (The other that are still sibscribed to, he is waiting out the subscription and is not re-subscribing) and I have not seen any new downloads. I have not even witnessed him searching. He is HUGE on making me happy, as he knows of my past and is very upset that a man could do that to a woman. I have seeked help for my past, and my fiance is help as well. The porn issue has subsided alot since the very beginning, but last night I asked him.. what about the boxes of it downstairs? Why does he still need it if he honestly thinks he wont look at it again? He decided to give it away to a friend (Whoa, close friends is what I thought) and I trust him with it. But.. then he asked if it was okay if he kept a few of them. After I had though tit was allll over, and that he was finally 'cured' in your words, he asks this?

I was hurt, yes.. that he still wanted to give in to the urge, but then I shook my head. I told him it was up to him. I was not going to put any opinions on the matter- and that I was sure he would do the right thing. I KNOW that he knows I dont want him to, and if he keeps it- then there will be an issue, but I feel that he isn't going to. I want to leave it up to him. He is a man- he can make his own decisions.

He has always been big on making sure I am happy, comfortable, etc. I, too, and big on making his life great. I am in love- as I have never felt before. He is the man for me, and I hope we can get over the issue of this before the wedding. We will find out more tonight. I promise to post tomorrow an update on whether or not the -entire- few of the boxes have left the house.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Kitten_McKat

Well, we have made a lot of progress over the past many months. First, he slowly stopped with the internet porn. He has unsubscribed to many of the magazines (The other that are still sibscribed to, he is waiting out the subscription and is not re-subscribing) and I have not seen any new downloads. I have not even witnessed him searching. He is HUGE on making me happy, as he knows of my past and is very upset that a man could do that to a woman. I have seeked help for my past, and my fiance is help as well. The porn issue has subsided alot since the very beginning, but last night I asked him.. what about the boxes of it downstairs? Why does he still need it if he honestly thinks he wont look at it again? He decided to give it away to a friend (Whoa, close friends is what I thought) and I trust him with it. But.. then he asked if it was okay if he kept a few of them. After I had though tit was allll over, and that he was finally 'cured' in your words, he asks this?

I was hurt, yes.. that he still wanted to give in to the urge, but then I shook my head. I told him it was up to him. I was not going to put any opinions on the matter- and that I was sure he would do the right thing. I KNOW that he knows I dont want him to, and if he keeps it- then there will be an issue, but I feel that he isn't going to. I want to leave it up to him. He is a man- he can make his own decisions.

He has always been big on making sure I am happy, comfortable, etc. I, too, and big on making his life great. I am in love- as I have never felt before. He is the man for me, and I hope we can get over the issue of this before the wedding. We will find out more tonight. I promise to post tomorrow an update on whether or not the -entire- few of the boxes have left the house.

One word of advice...be 100% certain with him before you marry. If not postpone the wedding.

[Kitten_McKat]

Okay, so the day has come to near a very grand end.

His two friends came over and UNLOADED the boxes from our house! I even gave him the stash I was told to hide from him a long time ago (He told me himself back when we first started dating) and handed them over. He was very happy about it, never even looked through the boxes himself before putting them in the arms of his friends and I could see in his eyes after they left how greatful it was all gone.

No longer tempted on those nights I have to work late, etc. He handed over ALL of the DVD's and even played with me and the dog outside while his friends picked like scavengers through the boxes of DVDs and Mags on the deck, not seeming to be upset whatsoever to see his 'amazing collection' gone before his eyes. I admit, I was very glad to see it gone as well.

One of his friends kept saying, " Are you sure you want to give this one away? Its worth money!" and my Fiance shook his head and told him to take it all. He didn't want the collecters issues or anything.

And I am very sure he is the man for me, as I have NEVER before in my life had someone of the opposite sex give something up for me that meant so much to them at one time. Not just his porno- but he has sold one of his sportbikes in the last month so that we could afford to buy a family car to suit our future. There are MANY other reasons too, of course!!

We are currently selling my old sporty car, and his old tuner car, which are both two door so that we can afford the car that we purchased (A 2001 Impala) and he doesn't even seem to have that straying eye when other girls walk by. We are keeping two of his sport bikes, and one has already been titled 'mine' as he is doing all he can to make it safe for me to take on the highway beside him on his Honda.

He assures me I am the one for him, and there are no regrets, and never have been. Thank you all for helping me through today- I was very afraid he would make the wrong decision and decide to keep a certain few 'just incase', but he didn't! Thanks so much!

[Brandye]

Intractable problem.

Instant solution.

..... happily ever after.


Right.