4 years and now ending

[Venustraphobic]

ive been going out with the same girl since i was an 8th grader to now(senior). it would be 5 years in September but this summer, like early augest, its gong to be all over. shes going to collage up here in the midwest and ill be moving to Arizona. we both know long distance isnt going to work for us. im a really paranoid and jealous person so i couldnt deal with not knowing what shes doing for sure and she is going on with how she needs time to be alone and get to know herself. this is going to be so hard. ive experienced and learned so much with her from us both losing our virginities together to having a long term relationship. i guess i just wanna know if anyone else here has been in a similar situation, how you've delt with it, and any advice. also shes been telling me "if its ment to be, we'll find each other again" but i had to tell her that after we break up i cant talk to her anymore. its not that i dont want to but i couldnt deal with talking to her, knowing what we were, what we could of been, and woundering if shes with someone else, or someone better. i am wrong? she wants to be friends still and says i am her best friend shes ever had, but i dont think i could deal with just being friends.

thanks

[dancingdoc2]

On the surface your post is a warning flag for disturbing human interaction.

Jealousy is a normal human behavior; however, you make yours sound like it is your crutch for controling the relationship and ultimately your girlfriend. Intellectually, you have to know this is distructive.

A relationship is a partnership. A partnership is formed by mutual agreement and the goal should be for the two parties to join forces for the common good. In addition, we do not give up our autonomy or our individuality. We bring our strengths to the relationship as well as our independent and separate lives. To one degree or another, the relationship allows the participants to become better and greater than if they were not in the relationship.
Jealousy is defined by:
1. a lack of trust
2. suspicion or irrational fear of a rival
3. resentment over someone else's success or achievement
4. fear of unfounded unfaithfulness by the partner

Many couples are in long distance relationships. Spouces, sons, and daughters who are away from home serving in the military; your upcoming situation of going across country to attend school; and to a smaller extent--work related travel, or extended stays away from home during the week, are all lifestyles that relationships must manage. Of course, these separations are all very commonplace.

If you have any hope for this or any other relationship to continue, you have to manage your jealousy. One way to do this is to know and understand that a person is in a relationship because s/he wants to be, pure and simple. Question this and there will be a fracture of your own making. The same will be true if you try to control your partner and her activities out of irrational fear. The same will be true if you try to control your partner in a manner that strips them of their uniqueness and their life adjacent to the relationship.

> i couldnt deal with not knowing what shes doing for sure and she is going on with how she needs time to be alone and get to know herself.

Yes, you can learn to deal with this. You will also learn to deal with the breakup of future relationships. It's all part of the process. It is a process you must go through in order to continue your maturation into adulthood. Besides, it is no different than how you interact with other friends. Each has a life separate and apart from yours and when you talk or get together you catch up on what each of you has been doing. The same holds true for you and your girlfriend.

As for her wanting to find herself, I have this to say: The two of you have been childhood friends for a number of years and can continue to remain friends with the proper care and feeding of the relationship. Another part of an individual's process of maturation is to date lots of people and not stop with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. One way of discovering who she is is to sample what humanity has to offer. You owe her this freedom as she must do for you so that each of your characters can grow. To fight this natural process of growing up is to be extremely short-sighted, selfish, and, self centered.

The teen years are a decade long. It takes this long for a human being to transmut from childhood into adulthood. Just because the reproductive aspect of development finishes first does not mean that a person has finished the process. Mental and emotional maturity along with just experiencing life and developing from your experiences along the road all take several more years to complete. The last stage is something you cannot see. It is the development of the brain's frontal lobe that permits a person to see around corners and to predict the consequences of their actions.

So with all this said, I believe you should back off and take stock of how you plan to interact with her in the future. I encourage both of you to date lots of other people so that when the time comes to make a decision about Ms. or Mr. Right, you will be better able to make an informed selection. If it is meant to be that she is your life partner then she will make that choice freely. The same holds true for you. If one or the other of you finds someone else more compatible, then consider continuing your friendship with each other.

What you may not be aware of is that as you grow up, how you see the world and yourself in it changes. Who you like today may not be the person you want to live with in the future. What you place value on today, may change. What interests you today may or may not be what interests you tomorrow. What interests you tomorrow and what you find of importance in the future is probably not even on your radar screen at the moment. So, just enjoy being a teenager and permit the changes to take place that have to in order for you to became a more complete adult.

> i had to tell her that after we break up i cant talk to her anymore.

I fully understand your position on this matter; yet why toss away a friendship like this? Your decision not to talk to someone would be more appropriate after the breakup of a much deeper and more mature relationship such as would be the case of a marriage breakdown or an engagement in which you have a much greater emotional involvement. I am not saying that you do not have strong feelings for her or that they are not as real as with someone older; however, you must understand that both of you have a great deal more growing up to do and must give each other the space to accomplish all this.

You are worried about her developing new friendships. What about you? I'm here to tell you that your college years are very formative in more ways than just the expansion of your mind.

> she wants to be friends still and says i am her best friend shes ever had, but i dont think i could deal with just being friends.

NOTHING VENTURED--NOTHING GAINED.

[Brandye]

Simply stated, it is not jealousy so much as sadness that you will be leaving a significant person in your life. Sweet and sad and no one knows what the future may hold.

[Venustraphobic]

no i am jealous and paranoid. i have been for awhile. i can understand why she doesn't wanna be with me anymore. i wouldnt wanna be with me

[Invader_Akira]

Those type of qualities make relationships go bad and since you realized that you have these qualities, try your best to change them b/c I'm not sure I know many people that would find jealously attractive. Here's to good luck to you in the future.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry but I've had it up to here with people thinking jealousy is a natural or good thing. It isn't. It is FEAR OF LOSS based upon insecurity and a lack of self-worth; and is akin to strangling your rescue swimmer in that you kill what you love/need. Jealousy is destructive behavior. If you ever want to even hope for a decent relationship - GET RID OF IT by directly confronting the fear behind it. She leaves - so what? There are others. Plenty of girls in Arizona. She dates other men - so what? You're not exactly like them and they aren't exactly like you. No big deal. Date some other girls. Each on eis different than the other. Same thing. There is no competition.

Believe it or not, your current anxiety is really your desire to NOT grow up. You are fearing the future instead of running toward it with open arms and a heart full of joy as you should be. Let her go. Look forward to being out of the nest. Courage is all you really need. Grow a set and get on with your life.

[Venustraphobic]

im not ganna be able to get in a relationship for a long time after this. plus i dont even know who would date me now. i know jealousy is bad and ive tried stop it but i haven't been able to, not really the best looking, and i have alot of issues that make me hard to deal with once someone really gets to know me(clinical depression, and all that stuff)

[EvilEvilKitten]

then go and get yourself some professional help.

[Venustraphobic]

i have. i was on prozac for a year and just got off like 2 months ago.

[Venustraphobic]

shes been pushing me away saying ill be easier this way but its just killing me. should i just end it now?