Am I ready for marriage?

[bilovely]

Okay, I am only 20 and still in college, but lately I have really been thinking about getting married to my boyfriend of 3 years, I can't imagine loving anyone else the way we do or the things we have shared. We have discussed getting married after we graduate in 2 years, but he does not like to talk about it. Typical guy, I know.

Here's the question: We are both still very young, but I dream of eventually settling down. Is he just staying with me now, just for now? I have tried many times to have a conversation about this and he just says that he is not ready to talk about the future. (always his answer, and I respect that) Is socialization really getting to me?

I just want the promise of one day, not anytime soon!

[nottooblushing]

It is completely dependant on the individuals. I wouldn't have been ready at 20 yet I am marrying a guy who is 21 and is way more mature then I was at his age and probably am now.

Don't ask him to make that promise. Because you are asking him to make a promise that he very well may not be able to keep, At least he isn't just telling you what you want to hear, that's the right thing. So don't push, if he loves you right now that is all you need. Obviously, he is not ready to get married and kudos to him for knowing that, therefor unless you are going to go find someone else, you are not ready to get married either.

[sera300]

Bi:

Many times fleeting thoughts run though our heads regarding marriage. If he is not discussing it and saying he is not ready (nor open to the discussion) let it go. When you meet the right person you are ready, it's not uncommon to start thinking down the lines of wanting to get married.

As far as your personal views of considering wanting to marry; it's a very individual answer. I married when I was 20 (he was 24, completed college, and established in a career), I was full-time in college, worked a full-time job (even before we married), was building a house (literally), and doing all that wonderful stuff which comes with living on your own (housekeeping, laundry, cooking, raising a puppy, paying bills). No I was not pregnant nor did I not come from a "bad" family I was trying to escape (peoples first assumptions); I was just very much in love with him, and ready to settle down, as was he. I have NEVER regretted the choice of marrying early, I have never felt I missed out on life--I had my fun and dated many when I was younger. The reason the marriage split was he was bi, did not tell me prior to marriage, his companion resided out of the state at the time (when we were dating/engaged/first married). The marital split came b/c he said to me "if I had been with you for 8 years (as he was with his s/o), you would understand why I am torn"--his s/o was moving back to NY. His feelings for his s/o were deeper then the ones for me (now 20 years later they are still together), he did not plan on staying monogamous and in fact wanted his s/o to move in with us. This I could not handle. If it was not for this issue I do believe we would have remained married. I was responsible financially, emotionally mature, and really enjoyed being married. Neither of us pressured the other for a marriage.

Saying all of this; I do not think it's odd or too soon to feel you are ready to settle down. It depends on the individual. Many of my friends were still in college and a few were older then myself, some were married. My friends understood as did my family and were supportive.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have mentioned or tried to discuss this topic with him MANY times? What, you think you can NAG him into it? Stop it. Do not mention the topic to him again. He knows what you want. He's thinking about it. Any further action on your part will just drive him away. The next move is his. Shut up and wait.

As to whether you're ready or not - maybe. Focus now on completing college and maintaining your relationship.

[Say Hey]

I think that it is natural for persons to think about marriage especially when thye have been in a comitted relationship for a long period of time, no matter the age. However, if your bf is not ready for marriage or if he doesn't want to discuss marriage it is best that you let the topic go for a while. I dated a girl in colege for 1.5 years and after the first 10-12 months she began talking about marriage and actually planned the wedding out. Even though I "loved" her I was not ready to get married. Maybe if whe had not set the gas to full throttle and waited we may have gotten married. Who knows? All that rambling jsut to say to take it easy and slow. Allow your relationship to develop and grow. Nuture it and do not try to push it too fast.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Of course it is natural to think about marrying the fellow with whom you've been in a committed relationship for a long period of time. You are happy and comfortable and would like that happiness and comfort to continue. By continuing to push this issue, this lady will erase some of that comfort he's feeling and replace it with resentment. He'll feel pushed and obligated and he will resent it. You do not marry a woman you resent.

All she really has to do is finish college and maintain the relationship. When graduation looms - that's the time when he'll either step up and say "Marry me." or will step off and say "Goodbye." If she shuts up and nutures their relationship, which is she more likely to get?

[Invader_Akira]

I married when I was 18 (I'm now 19)... he's 21. I'm going to school full-time and he's working to support both of us... As Sera and Nottooblushing said, it's an individual choice. We were both ready so we married... we may have some problems but that's part of marriage and both of you have got to willing to work through it. We were together for about 3 years before we married. I'm not sure what to say as far "nagging" him since I didn't have that problem. In fact, it was him that kept asking when we were going to married (I didn't take it as nagging either.) Only time will tell whether or not he's willing to marry you. I wish you good luck and hope that these last couple of years aren't going to waste.

[Chino]

My wife and I just married after being together for 8 years. We dated all through college did long distance for 15 months after school and the lived together again until we got married. No pressure from either side to make it happen.

If I had to guess at you situation, these are the clues I would base it on:
1.) Sounds like he is faithful to you while in college - thats tough and shows he's committed on a pretty deep level
2.) Many college students do not like ANY discussion of the future because that conjures up the thoughts of getting a "real" job and student loans and debt and dinner parties instead of keg parties...etc.
3.) As I mentioned with my wife...we kinda settled down before getting married. Thats not for everyone, but we had a lot of time invested in getting our professional lives in order as well. We just knew neither was going anywhere, so no rush on the wedding. Point being, maybe he feels as though he has to be secure in his career before promising to provide for you (obviously such a 1920's statement but many guys still feel it's their duty)

Just don't push too hard. If he is a good guy that loves you, is supportive of all you do and is faithful to you...he'll do right by you one day and make you his wife. Simple as that.

[bilovely]

Thank you everyone for all of your responses. I may have made it sound like I have been nagging him, but in all honesty, I have brought up the subject under 10 times in 3 years, and he has not complained about me bringing it up too much. (In all honesty, it's been when he was drunk because he LOVES to talk when he is drunk, lol) I know that when the time is right, it will be for us. I'm not rushing anything, I want it to be right, I want a job and a stable life. Just wanted to talk to someone else about it.

[Invader_Akira]

I have to agree with Chino... my husband and I lived with each other for about 2 years before we got married. Make sure that you can live with each other without wanting to tear your hair out (if it's not against your religion, that is...)