Wife hates to have sex

[hope4fun]

I am in a long term marriage of 21 years. We got married way too young. When we were first married DW was adventuresome and aggressive with sex, but now she doesn't want to have sex at all. She does it anyway, but you can tell she doesn't want to be there and it needs to be regimented. She has placed a number of restrictions on me and will make it almost impossible for me to enjoy it because of her attitude towards any act other than missionary positions. I on the other hand have a very strong desire for sex (maybe too strong). I want sex all the time and can't seem to get enough. Sadly though, I need it to be varied as far as what we do. I have never wanted to have an affair, but that was her suggestion. Even though I have her permission, I feel that that would be a betrayal in trust, and could not forgive her if she would do the same.

[Brandye]

Entirely too many women come to this position because of whatever their past has been. At the point where she is telling you to find an outside relationship, things are pretty bad.

You really need a counselor to help you patch it up or come apart as humans. You are in a position in which whatever you do will feel wrong to you; she is in a position where outsourcing a marital role is easier than dealing with it. Sorry. This is not a do it yourself project.

[hope4fun]

I understand that counseling is in order, but I seriously doubt we could go into a counselor's office together and sort things out. She is carrying a big chip on her shoulder and for some reason, although I can rationally think about it when she isn't around, when I am in the same room with her and the "debate" starts up and the attitudes fly, I take offense. I tried counseling on my own, and it didn't go well. I felt that all the counselor did was have me talk and he didn't say much. (he did take my $$$ though).

I feel like the marriage is over, but neither of us can afford to live separately, and I really hate the idea of being alone.

[sera300]

What if you both begin w/the same therapist but separately? Try a different one? There a many out there, just as any profession, who are not good but there are some really good ones too.

I cannot see her enjoying this state of an unhappy marriage, perhaps discuss it with her and see if she is willing to go. What do you both have to loose? everything. What do you have to gain? a satisfactory relationship, being it married or apart.

[Brandye]

If the marriage is over, you must find a way to live separately. You will slowly and painfully destroy one another.

[Matador]

Does every marriage gets to this point where one of the two starts to hate having sex?

How do you fix this?

It would be great if some one who has gone thru this and found a way out of this problem could share any ideas.

For what I have found so far the actions on a problem like this are:

1. Acceptance. Keep things the way they are, you can continue with boring sex and/or masturbation for a life time and be always on the edge to break your unhappy marriage.

2. Search for what you can't find on your marriage outside of it. In other words ... cheat, with all the consecuences.

3. Counseling, does this realy works? I'm not hearing from anybody who said: Hey my sex life was bad, I went to counseling and now it's great!!!

4. Try fixing things by yourself (the two of you I mean). I don't know why, but I have the feeling most of the couples fix this problems without the need of a third party.

5. Divorce/Separation. Find a new life partner. Same as cheating but doing it legally.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Matador

How do you fix this?

Both parties have to want to change the marriage for the better, both have to identify there are problems which need to be worked out.

For what I have found so far the actions on a problem like this are:

1. Acceptance. Keep things the way they are, you can continue with boring sex and/or masturbation for a life time and be always on the edge to break your unhappy marriage.

2. Search for what you can't find on your marriage outside of it. In other words ... cheat, with all the consecuences.


3. Counseling, does this realy works? I'm not hearing from anybody who said: Hey my sex life was bad, I went to counseling and now it's great!!!

4. Try fixing things by yourself (the two of you I mean). I don't know why, but I have the feeling most of the couples fix this problems without the need of a third party.


5. Divorce/Separation. Find a new life partner. Same as cheating but doing it legally.

Marriages do get to the point where one has no interest in sex, it's generally due to resentment. How do you fix it? Both people have to identify there is a problem and want to make it better. This is the part where the commitment of a marriage comes in, working through everything as a couple, not as two seperate people.

1-Yes, and you both can be absolutely miserable and have an unhappy marriage and raise a child in the misery of the household. And this will reflect in the child in the long run.

2-Yes, and still potentially wind up with a divorce based on adultery & then fight over custody.

3-Counseling does work, it helps open communication and helps individuals change negative behavior which has been learned. Thus, when the emotional bond strengthens & both are aware of the other's needs, sex becomes more welcome and less of a chore.

4-Certainly possible if both are open, honest, and mature enough. Basically it's called both being committed.

5-By far is this cheating, nor is it cheating legally. Sometimes marriages don't work, people make mistakes, and it takes balls to make this decision rather then accepting being miserable for the remainder of both of your lives.

A question; do either of your wives know you are this unhappy? As a woman, if my husband was this unhappy there is nothing I would not do to change it. If it was beyond my control; I would hand him the divorce papers, placing myself at marital "fault" and walk away with nothing. I would be so disappointed knowing my actions were making my love so unhappy and I would never expect my spouse to just "live with it".

There are times where marriage is hell, it's the only war where you sleep with the enemy, but it's how you get through the marriage together that counts and makes your marriage, and yourselves, stronger in the end. It's a partnership.

[Matador]

Originally Posted by sera300

A question; do either of your wives know you are this unhappy? As a woman, if my husband was this unhappy there is nothing I would not do to change it. If it was beyond my control; I would hand him the divorce papers, placing myself at marital "fault" and walk away with nothing. I would be so disappointed knowing my actions were making my love so unhappy and I would never expect my spouse to just "live with it".

I don't know how aware of the unhappyness they are, but I recieved the same "suggestion" than hope4fun to have an affair.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Matador

I don't know how aware of the unhappyness they are, but I recieved the same "suggestion" than hope4fun to have an affair.

So after discussing this w/your wife, this was the best alternative to the problem she had?

I read one of your other posts, it was the one with the couple having g-spot findings. Frankly, in so many of your posts you seems so sad.

What if you approached the issue in a different way? Have you asked her if sex has lived up to be all she expected? Does she feel it's really wonderful? Was it always this way? If her experiences are limited, it may have nothing to do with what you are doing, she just may not understand how good it can be physically and how it keeps a strong bond between couples. Has she ever given herself permission to really enjoy it to the fullest extent?

These are just some thoughts, you sound as if you are backed into a wall. And not happy with the potential outcomes. I know in your other post you said you were at a point where you are not into it w/her anymore; there is an underlying reason, there is resentment for some reason. That is what you have to get to and solve.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Unfortunately there comes a point where there is just too much 'history' in a relationship. I strongly urge you both to do a trial separation from your wives. Perhaps being on their own, including being financially strapped, will bring some enlightenment. Perhaps they need to discover what loneliness is like. It may be 'tough love' but if the wives reject counseling and dealing with the issues, there's not much more you can do other than divorce.