desparate for advice!!!

[red_silk]

Hi guys its my first time to this forum and i really need some advice...
Ok heres a brief summary.. i have been with my current bf for 3 years and always assumed he was 'the one'.
last week he dropped the bombshell and amongst other things said that he is not sure if he sees us being together.. i was totally shocked as we have discussed marriage kids etc and he has always been so enthusiastic about it.

ANYWAYS... it turns out that the big problem he has with our relationship is the lack of sex ... we have a long distance relationship and when we do see each other it doesnt always happen for one reason or another.(we both now live back with our parents after uni). he said that he often doesnt feel like initiating it.. (and im the same) and when we do have sex its often painful for me..so that must frustrate him (although he hasn't said) and often i feel like im doing it cos i know that its whats expected In addition to this i had sex issues which i have only opened up to him about (abuse,and strict religious background) which made things difficult throughout our relationship.
the strange thing is with previous bfs i was like a bunny rabbit and i was never in any pain..


SO im booking us in an expensive hotel this weekend hoping that we can get back to old ways.. cos we are on so many levels good together..

i need some advice to spice up our love life, and get us back to the days when we were so great. i hope all this is repairable and its just a bad phase
please help....

[sera300]

If after 3 years w/this guy he said he wanted kids, marriage, etc. and now tells you he's not sure if it's w/you. Skip the hotel and hit the road. You are just wasting your time.

Sexually, he's not into it and states it's b/c it hurts (or some other reason)? Has not seen a doc for his pain? Sounds like a BS story he's feeding you.

[red_silk]

NO no no!! sorry i didnt make my self clear and i haven't explained the full story..

Its ME who sometimes finds it painful but i know there is a psychological link there...as in my mind I just can't always relax... i had some sex issues in the past and he was the first person i opened up to.. so that meant that we didnt get to go through the fuc##ing like rabbits stage that most couples go through at the start of the relationship..... in all truth i should have spoken 2 a counsellor instead of weighing it all down on him at the start of our relationship.. and on top of that i have had religious issues... so i know this all comes from me but sometimes i can't turn my head off.

when we do have sex its fantastic.. its just the initiation bit that we need to improve on..
reading old threads i noticed people said that the birth control pill makes a difference, i have often thought that as i have been on it for a while.. maybe its time for a change.. as i hate the fact that sex feels like such an effort.

[sera300]

If it's painful for you [intercourse] have you thought of seeing a doctor? As far a libido, yours, BCP's can create issues. Many times it's just changing to a new type of pill. Other medications can also do the same.

As far a religious issues and the effect on sexuality, I would talk to a counselor [no one religious]. There is a balance between what religion states and how we really live our lives. Religion is an institution, like government, to oversee and set rules. How we choose to live is our own personal decisions.
If it's causing such difficulty, talk to someone.

I missed the part about the abuse (until I just re-read), be certain to talk to someone professionally.

Perhaps these two issues (lack of sex & the discomfort) is what is making him question a permanent relationship? I would ask him.

Maybe just using the time away together, over the weekend, will do you both good. Just relax and enjoy the weekend together. I don't think you need a big weekend production, if you are living apart the time together will be a welcomed change. Buy yourself something nice to wear for bed

[red_silk]

Hehe.....yes i will pack something sexy to wear... thanks for your advice sera.. im glad u changed your mind from your 1st reply!!
i do totally understand the way he feels.. but i do feel a little pressured to perform this weekend...almost as if its a test or something! (not that he said that or will be thinking that).... but in my crazy mind i will be worrying about initiating sex and i'll be worrying that he will be worrying....... grrr its a vicious circle..

[sera300]

mis-read, sorry!

Just let your "inner-animal" out and jump his bones! No pressure just let out what's bottled up inside and keep in mind how wonderful sex feels with him! Concentrate on just that! And have fun! Get lots of sleep before you go!

[red_silk]

thanks i'll let u know how it goes!!

[tmps]

ok well you both just need to sit down and talk about it, yes the hotel may work but if your feeling this way you have to open up to him coz the problem will keep arising.

[Imaginativeone]

Perhaps you two could benefit from learning how to pleasure you. Particularly because you're not into it when you two have been seperated for long spells. Many of us (men) have heard the word on the street regarding marriage, after you're married - forget about the sex - it's over. To be sure, for plenty of couples that's not the case; they continue to have an interesting and prolific sex life. However, for far too many married partners, the sex really is over.

Just a little background: with the ex, when she wasn't getting what she wanted at home, no sex for me - yes sex with attractive coworkers. I took the faithfulness thing seriously, so no sex for me. Yikes!

He might be thinking, "we're not even married and she's already blockin'. Screw that." And maybe you really are [just blockin']. If/when you're regularly enjoying tremendous orgasms...perhaps the story between you and your boyfriend might be different.

[Beans518]

Comming from past experience, if a guy tells you staright out that he thinks it should be over;a weekend in a hotel will not change that. He'll take the sex, what guy wouldn't but in the end you'll end up in the same situation you started out in. Save yourself some of the future torture and get out while the gettings good.